Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Att: board of selectors

Tonight there was no breaking news that Matthew Hayden is retiring.

Which means he's leaving it in the hands of others.

Here is a step by step guide to show the selectors how it's done... (it's really not that difficult).Step 1. Apply knife.

Step 2. Press.

Easy, and better for everyone.

Hey BlackCaps

Sooooo.

New Zealand.

They've got some issues.

Of the 14 Tests they played this year, they won four. Three against Bangladesh.

Top effort, lads!

Actually I feel a bit sorry for Daniel Vettori. He's alright. It's a bit like seeing Andrew Flintoff treading water during the Ashes (except he's not alright). But you can't carry your team around for ever. Nor should you be expected to.

Actually he's said some pretty amusing things lately (Vettori that is. Historians are still trying to deciper Flintoff's post match media conferences of two years ago. The ones he turned up to.).

"The game is called Twenty20, it's not called one1. We don't want to dilute it too much."

"Getting eased away for four can be a little bit of a heartbreaker."

"What's wrong with a tie, I have no issues with it."

"It's just sometimes the ground is not big enough for Chris Gayle."

Just imagine that in a Kiwi accent.

He sounds a bit upset. See in two Twenty20 matches both were ties, which I think is pretty amazing. But to determine a winner this happened -

Trialled for the first time in an international match, the Super Over has each team nominate three batsmen to face an over against one bowler from the opposing side. If two batsmen are dismissed inside the over, the innings is considered complete.

What?

Sounds kinda lame to me. I agree with the Kiwi, what's wrong with a tie? Though I wonder if he'd said it if they hadn't lost the "Super" over. Somehow it was his fault for not getting 26 runs in the "Super" over. That's funny too... New Zealand lost the match after Vettori failed to chase 26 runs in an over. Love it.

To me this sounds like "If a Twenty20 ends in a tie, we play an over of baseball to see who wins."

And that ain't cricket!

Monday, December 29, 2008

My Joernaal - day 24

Diary -

Had an unacceptable dream last night and woke with an image of Makhaya dressed as Santa Claus in my mind. Sick. Have decided that next summer tour there will be no dressing up as Santa Claus. Dreamt he - Santa Claus - was chasing me around the MCG. I was running away, but then I remembered I am Graeme Smith and I fear no man (he probably just wanted an autograph, maybe a photo), so I stopped and turned around, ready to discuss my cover drive. But he began taking all his clothes off. So I kept running. As fast as I could.

Anyway. If there's one thing that's as fantastic as me my batting me, it's being out on field to watch the Australians choke. At last I can use that word again without having to practice looking contemptuous. Smug takes up so much time. Can't wait to see Hayden's replacement crumble under the expectation to win Sydney for them. This series is ours.

Damn. I am so good.

Girly squeals abound

What could possibly top being caught on 99, at the MCG, Boxing Day Test, when it would have been the fourth time you got two centuries in one Test, and third against South Africa, while also trying to redeem your country from EPIC FAILURE, trying to save your country's number one ranking and your captaincy?

Being caught by Graeme Smith.

Smith took that firmly struck shot and erupted in celebration.

Erupted in celebration, huh.

Wonder if that involved a girly squeal.

Turning the screws

I am so impressed that Brett Lee batted today.

Ok. So he scored 8. But still, 8 more than I'd expected, seeing as I didn't think he would bat.

I tried to find a photo of him batting so I could add the caption "I'm in tremendous pain but I can't move my face", but there are none.

I guess he wasn't in for long enough.

So Australia is 7/185 at lunch on day four. A similar position to South Africa in the first innings, except I can't see us batting the day out. It did seem like we were scoring runs quite quickly, but in a 'shit let's get a move on' as opposed to 'yay let's play a Twenty20'. Which was nice. Makes it seem like we're still trying to win. Just a shame about the 7-for bit.

I'm still trying to work out whether the scales are tipped in the direction of Australia being crap or South Africa being outstanding.

It's like trying to pick between Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. It's always one til I see the other.

I don't think this will be a draw, South Africa will win this.

And probably Sydney too.

And the right to gloat for a while yet.

And England will get their hopes up.

And become a little complacent.

At least Ponting's still out there.

(Did you notice that I didn't mention a certain opening batsman? It's like he's gone already.)

When all else fails...

At least we can laugh at ourselves.

Hahahaaaaaaaa. Oh. Woe.

Courtesy CWB.

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Binga, bad to worse

Brett Lee has buggered his foot and is about to make a statement about his immediate playing future.

Sounds ominous.

Will he retire?

Nah.

Watch this space...

Update
Wow, the Channel 9 team like to outdo themselves from time to time. Like promising me a live press conference with Brett Lee and then spending too long talking to Jiminy about his ice bath so they have to cut the program, because damn we can't miss Fishing Australia, can we?

Feckers.

Saturday, December 27, 2008

My Joernaal - day 22

Not going so well today. Must fix this. Can't have that twat Ponting outsmug me. But how much can a captain achieve on his own? Vaughn Van Jaarsveld is coming to replace Ashwell, who is still whining about his thumb. Serves him right for pre-empting me being ruled out. I hear whispers that he will replace me, but we will see about that.

I bought myself an iPod for Christmas. I had it gift-wrapped and put it under the tree when no one was looking. They all asked me who it was from but it was a good exercise in smugness when I said I couldn't be sure which of my admirers sent it. But then someone stole it and uploaded a bunch of Britney Spears songs onto it. Hilarious. Not impressed, especially when Morne grabbed it off me before I realised what had happened. I will cheerfully murder anyone who utters the words 'hit me Graeme one more time' again.

Caught Brett Lee staring at AB today. Can't help but wonder what AB has going for him that I don't.

Friday, December 26, 2008

Aussies to smash Poms in charity match... right?

Superblogger Jrod has accepted the challenge from The Village Cricketer to play an Poms vs Aussies charity match for an English charity, Everyman.

Held at the end of June, it'll be a sort of curtain raiser to the Ashes, and I predict the country who wins this match will also be hoisting the urn at the end of August (if it's the Poms, complete with tickertape and OBEs).

I will donate $10 for every six that's scored.

Hopefully, I'll also be there to cheer on my captain and his boys.

Visit Cricket With Balls if you'd like to play for Australia. I'm going to try and recruit my friend Ricky.

Please go away!

Phil Jaques
Phillip Hughes
Shaun Marsh
David Hussey
Brad Hodge
Marcus North
Adam Voges
Glenn McGrath
Luke Pomersbach
Chris Rogers

Ten players who could step up and take over from Matthew Hayden with ease.

There are more.

They are talented, capable and lacking only opportunity.

There is no shortage of alternatives, so why haven't we cut the fat already? There's no place for nostalgia in elite sports.

Taxpayer money goes to funding sport in Australia.

I expect Olympic gold medals.

I expect records to be broken.

I also expect cricket selections to be based on merit. For a while now we should have been assisting new, younger players to settle in, not carrying around a dead weight in hope of a miracle.

Sorry it had to be like this Matt, but you've had your chances.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Festivity ahoy

Merry Christmas everyone.

Christmas is the day we lay down out weapons, pause the war, and have lunch together.

Nah, bugger that. There are proteas to be smashed.

Here is my vision of how Ricky Ponting will be looking tomorrow. Forgive the designing, I know it's shit.


Actually, maybe he's staring at someone in a sort of wistful fashion. Brett Lee maybe?

Have a good one.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

My Joernaal - day 18

Diary -

Flew to Melbourne yesterday. I hate journalists who wait at airports. I hate all journalists. Although one was hot. Her face was, at least; she was a bit fat. Saw Ponting. Smirked at him. He looked like he wanted to cry. Never did such a baby have such hairy arms. I had a Lignocaine injection today. It fucking caned but what's pain when there's 11 half-wits waiting to be beaten? I think Ashwell was disappointed. I caught him in front of the mirror, pretending to address the media. Dream on.

Ponting - not the worst

If you, like me, think that although Ricky Ponting needs to lift his game pronto or leave, he is not the worst captain in cricket - then please swing by the grand Republique Cricket and vote here.

If you do think he's the worst captain... maybe don't visit. Stay here and tarry a while, as they said in that Robin Hood game of old.

Monday, December 22, 2008

Inadequate solutions to monumental problems

Australia has never won a three-match series after losing the first match.

This means nothing to me - Australia has enough talented cricketers to win this series. But changes have to be made. The current side is dogged by out of form players who are being carried along by that hope that they will re-live former glory. They won't.

And this 'carrying' policy, new to us, will fail. It may cost us our number one ranking. It may cost us the Ashes.

Yes I'm still reeling.

What I want to know is why...

Why Matthew Hayden is still playing and will be allowed to continue until he's ready to go.

Why, as Moses has pointed out, it has escaped our captain's notice that the 56 runs scored between him, Hussey and Hayden, in the entire match, was unacceptable.

Why Brett Lee would be selected if his personal problems clouded his ability to play to form.

Why blaming the pitch is acceptable.

Why Michael Hussey didn't play better at his home ground.

Why it just looked far too easy for South Africa.

This isn't a difficult problem to solve, but it requires some leadership, and I'm thinking that's our biggest problem at the moment.

So what have the powers that be done to address this worsening crisis (that's right, I called it a worsening crisis)? They've dropped Jason Krezja. And what do you know, replaced him with Nathan Hauritz, who meets the primary selection criteria of being from New South Wales.

So now I'm also wondering why the leadership hasn't been fired for being spineless and out of touch. Someone take a stand!

By the way, good work SA. You outplayed us and deserved the win.

There you go, Ricky. I could say it.

My Joernaal - day 17

Diary,

Damn it feels so good to stick it up these revolting Australians. Arrogant fuckers. Yesterday afternoon was fantastic, watching them fail, over after over. What a bunch of useless animals. And then that shit Ponting had the cheek to blame the pitch. Saw Michael Clarke gazing at AB again. He saw me scowling and winked at me. Yuck. Will have to deal with that. Poor AB. He was man of the match... AB, that is, not that little Australian tosser. Should have been me. Might ring Ponting to see if he wants to have a beer. Need to smirk at him some more. Though that means tolerating the stupid man. Maybe he'll bring his wife. Need to catch her alone over Christmas. There's no chance she'll turn me down again this year.

Bye.

Ponting denounces graciousness

Ricky Ponting:

"This wicket here, it looks like the WACA have got what they wanted with another very flat batting wicket and has lasted and probably played better today than right through the course of the game," he said.

"The WACA's like playing in Adelaide now - it's probably the slowest WACA wicket that I've played on, it hasn't cracked up and it hasn't done anything late in the game.

"We've heard a lot about the pace and the bounce being back at the WACA but every time you rock up for a Test match it doesn't seem to be there.

"I think there's certainly an advantage to batting second on this ground."

Get a fucking grip boy.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

One night, a few glasses of Wolf Blass later...

A person this evening searched "Brad Hodge underrated" and got to my blog.

Yes. This person was from Victoria.

Would anyone like to hazard a guess about this?

Sounds like Brad, 5ft10, Victoria, seeks empathy, any kind, from anywhere.

Friday, December 19, 2008

Australia wins again!

You may recall that superblogger Suave declared that his England would finish second in the ICC test rankings by the end of this year.

Well he lost.

Yes, no surprises. Not even Kevin Pietersen could redeem that lot.

More importantly, it struck me that damnit he year has passed rather quickly. It was January, then June, then September, and now Christmas and cricket time. Hurrah. I think there might have been other months in there somewhere. Maybe.

So because he lost, Suave has to humiliate himself in some fashion. This will more than likely involve him wearing a t-shirt of my design to a test match.

I've heard it said that it's a bad reflection upon society today that I'm making him humiliate himself. I say it's fun! Might even be worth a trip to the old grey country for a look myself.

We would like to reopen the suggestion box, and if you can think of a cracker slogan for a shirt for the dear boy, well, good on you. We'll use it and you'll receive... nothing.

So far "Graeme Smith's bitch" is sounding good. Or maybe "I love Matthew Hayden". Got a better idea?

Vive la Republique!

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Bunking off work

Yesterday I went to the cricket. Yes, I took the afternoon off (thanks boss) and lauded it up in the sunshine instead.

The day's play is old news now, but I did take some photos that I will upload tomorrow.

I would, however, like to echo sentiments out and about in both the blogosphere and the realm of proppa churnalism.

Why did Kallis bowl so much? I'm not complaining, but as said on cricinfo, he's about as threatening as a pineapple.

Krezja and Siddle (I'm sure it was Siddle, cbf double checking, if I'm wrong let me know) batted better than I expected (or anyone else for that matter, I imagine), nice work lads, you bat better than Glenn McGrath.

Mitchell Johnson, what a trooper. I bet Brett Lee narrowed his eyes in Mitchell's general direction, maybe with lips pursed, at least once today. "I want what he's having." Good luck, Binga. Seriously though, welcome home Mitchell.

And I would like to reiterate that Ponting's time is up. A double century next innings just MAY redeem him for another match.

Damn, being at the cricket beat being at work.

Graeme Smith update - FOUND HIM. At the WACA, would you believe it? I heard a rumour he might be there on Saturday too, which is lucky, because I'm going to be there. I would like to make a sign but I can't think of a good message. Ideas?

Friday, December 12, 2008

Cricket in sunny Perth

The Warriors wiped their arses with the Proteas yesterday.

AHAHAHHAHA.

South Africa 2/185
Australia 4/215

Adam Voges made 87... fool. Yes I know that's 87 more than what I could make, but to end up with 87 opens an enormous can of cliche that I'm particularly partial to. Yum yum, cliche pie.

And Morne Morkel (hahaha cracker) injured his ankle; tripped over his ego on the run up for his first ball of the match and had to hobble off field. Wish I'd been there just to see that.

Well, they did specifically request the match replicate Test conditions.

I know they played without Smith and Steyn, but nonetheless they should have won. Full kudos to the Warriors. That's my boys.

NB On day one of the second, two-day tour match, South Africa are 8/320. AB, whose full name is not as exciting as you'd think, scored 129.

Doh.

Still no Graeme.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Retired crickets: more interesting than the current ones

The News tonight -

Glenn McGrath:

"I still back our boys any day so my prediction is still three-nil."

He's so funny! Except the time before the last time that happened... well, you know. I don't want to talk about it.

And then Justin Langer says he wishes he was playing in this series to exact his vengeance on Ntini.

And then they showed a shot of Michael Clarke inspecting pink stumps.

And then back to Glenn, saying how proud he is that they're renaming Ladies' Day 'Jane McGrath Day', and his surprise that something at the SCG was named after her instead of him.

Obviously no one cares what current players have to say about things. I guess when it's Michael Clarke on offer, that's no surprise.

And then there was Alastair Cook, complete with eyeliner, saying that the England players would be donating half of their match fees to the families of those attacks in Mumbai.

I'm no England fan.

But that's a cool gesture. Respect.

Therefore Cooky, it would seem, though almost as inarticulate as Freddie, has more to say than any of the current Australian players.

Interesting.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Cricket Etc

I've come across a blog, written by Bridget, a 12-year-old girl in New South Wales. Ok, we'll forgive her the New South Wales bit, but the rest is impressive. When I was 12 I was working out how to avoid cricket at any cost.

I get a lot of requests for blog links. (Does no one attempt to get recognition off their own back anymore? What is this blogosphere coming to?) I don't link them all, but that's more about me being forgetful than not wanting to.

But this young lady has not requested a blog roll. Hence why I'll do it. You can visit Cricket Etc here.

Knowing a 12-year-old is reading my blog kind of makes me want to be a good, clean blogger. Nah, bugger that. But it does make me want to crack out the S Club Seven and pretend to be 12 again.

Welcome aboard, Bridget.

Graeme Smith update: still no sighting.

Monday, December 8, 2008

My first match of the season

Tonight I experiened my first indoor cricket game. Which was also my first cricket for the season at all, so there we go.

Stop laughing. I wasn't actually playing, I was observing. I was watching some blokes I went to high school with, who call themselves the Fine Tuners, against a charmingly named opposition called Team Tnuc. Lovely.

I wasn't familiar with the rules of indoor cricket previously, but I was surprised how fast-paced it was.

For anyone who's wondered, it's like a cross between backyard cricket and conventional cricket played in a big shed with a net around the players so the ball doesn't get far.

Tip and run? Yes. If you get out, you lose five runs. If you hit the back net, you get six. If the ball hits the net and then is caught, that's out.

I'm not really sure how the overs worked. I'll figure that out next time.

The oddest thing was that that non-striker's crease is in the middle of the 'pitch'. Which, presumably, is because the net means the ball doesn't get very far. It looked strange.

There was also lots of diving, swearing and sweat. And some dodgy umpiring. So all essential cricket components were present!

The team I went to see lost by six runs (lame!) but I believe at one point they were getting thrashed in a way Daniel Vettori would be proud of, so they came back pretty well.

It almost made me want to pick up a bat.

Almost.

Graeme Smith update: No sighting yet.

Sunday, December 7, 2008

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD THE PROTEAS ARE HERE

Yeah. It's a sleepy town. You should have seen the reaction when Michael Jackson was here, a decade or so ago (not my reaction, bleurgh).

Anyway, after the confidence fuck that was New Zealand (thanks for that, lads), and after seeing this...


...I think all is not lost.

Perhaps it is only blind faith. But those South Africans think this is their best shot at winning in Australia since they were taken off the after-school detention list.

This makes me think about my list of Evils. Is it worse to lose to India in India, or South Africa in Australia? That's like asking me to pick between Abbey Road and the white album.

People love to hate South Africa because they're arrogant bastards. It's part of the deal with the Proteas.

But the Indians seem to have this relatively newfound arrogance that I don't like. It's more than just their skill, it's about the power of their cricket board as well. Power that, in my opinion, is spiralling out of control... couldn't possibly upset the BCCI now, could we? Fuck that. And down with Twenty20 cricket, too.

Therefore, I decree, losing to South Africa in Australia is not as humiliating as the Indian series was. I reserve the right to change my mind on this. And seeing as I'll probably be there on the last day of the first test, it may well happen.

So. Captain Can't-get-a-girlfriend is in town. I'm off to the Llama Bar. I'm sure that's where I'll find him.

I'll be sure to let him know how enamoured the blogging world is with him.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Miss Field is A-Ok

Hello everyone from Full Tosser,

Now I know this doesn't have much to do with cricket and is a bit personal but here's just a quick update, with the recent bombings in India and Miss Field having landed there only hours before hand some of you might be worried about her. Fear not as she is safe and sound. She is actually currently in Kolkatta and will depart for Mumbai in a weeks time.

I do hope that all of our fellow Indian Bloggers are safe aswell and let us keep in mind the victims that are being affected by this attack, and secondly let us hope that things become stable enough so that cricket may resume (CA have pulled out of players going over there I believe)

Anyway, to make this at least a bit of a cricket post can I finish by saying that England suck. Our 2 nil defeat over there doesn't seem so bad after seeing the poms get a 5-0 shalacking.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Matthew Hayden: overstaying his welcome, one run-out at a time

I'm off on holidays for a few weeks tomorrow.

Before I go I just thought I'd share some parting wisdom in the form of... *drum roll*

My Solution to Australian Cricket Failure

1. Dump Shane Watson (been done, and not before time)
2. Dump Matthew Hayden (Ricky Ponting said today that Hayden has a place on the side for as long as he wishes to - bollocks to that I say)
3. Dump Ricky Ponting. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. But it's just not working out anymore. And well, we have bigger fish to fry than New Zealand. And if we lose the Ashes because he's being kind to Matthew Hayden, he will have a power greater than me to answer to.

Finally, seeing as we played in a terribly shitty fashion and still managed to beat the crap out of New Zealand, I recommend that New Zealand dump ALL their players, and pick up Watson, Hayden, Ponting... it would be a start.

For anyone interested in the 3 Mobile 'Men of Cricket' calendar, it's on sale now.

I also got to be on Hair of the Blog in Darwin last weekend, I will post the link up upon my return. I may or may have defined manliness as how good one looks in a cricket uniform.

Monday, November 17, 2008

A new blog

My brother, Oomby Dave, who refers to himself as the Full Tosser on this blog, has decided to combine his two main interests and write a blog about them.

Women's cricket.

In his own words "This blog is dedicated to raising awareness of women's cricket around the world."

A truly noble mission.

Visit No Ballz here.

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Cricket + Women = :O

Isn't it great to see so many women cricket fans popping up and telling the world of their adoration for the men that play cricket, even the ones that do semi-nude photo calendar shoots. I don't know about you other men but i'm quite happy to see the likes of Ian Bell, Shane Watson or indeed anyone who plays cricket with 2 testicles (and 1 testicle so that KP can be included in this) wearing their full batting armour and showing as little skin as possible. Traditionally cricket has been followed by men, there's no doubting that and I fully support Miss Field and the others getting involved, but what's in it for the men you ask?

Well the Full Tosser answers. Womens Cricket. It's been around for a while, has no coverage what so ever and has some gorgeous women attached to the game. Currently I am peeling my chin off the floor after seeing some of the beauties from around the world play my most beloved game, why haven't I discovered this before? Who cares i've discovered it now! For all ye fellow 2 testicled men out there prepare to be amazed:

Our Aussie Southern Stars recently found out they will get paid to play for their country... about time!


Lauren Ebsary fundraising. Nice in pink eh?


Delissa Kimmince showing us she can fling herself around like our fellas!


English rose Katherine Brunt accepting player of the series.


Charlotte Edwards and Claire Tayor somewhere in England thrying their best to brighten up surroundings, go for it girls:)


Charlotte Edwards and Katherine Brunt about to unleash their fury against the Indians...


Isa Guha appealing... very appealing...


Appealing and a Chem Graduate? mmmmm



Ebony Rainford-Brent just chillin' cos' that's what she likes doin'.


Shashikala Siriwardene about to pounce, allow your imagination to run wild here.


Isa Guha needing no caption.


Lotte Egging from Holland, I have this strange attraction to the dutch and i'm sure you can see why :)


Finally we come to her, Ellyse Perry, 17, RHB, Medium Pacers, wearing a Baggy Green for her country and stunningly beautiful. So beautiful infact she has now inspiried me to take up the Womens Cricket cause, c'mon fellas and ladies, don't just think about the men, let's give cricket a go for both sexes, get out there to your local, state or international game and cheer on these beautiful women. I for one (once I get out of the outback) will be going to ask many womens games as I can over the school holidays, I hope to see you there too.

Full Tosser

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Brad Hodge - self-fulfilling prophecy

I'm not intending to turn this blog into blind fangirl adoration, but it has to be said here at the outset of this post that Brad Hodge is gorgeous.

He is also a dickhead.

"I prove myself so often and tonight I just did it again, DID ANYONE SEE?!?!?!?!"

This behaviour annoys me, and if the young fool stopped and thought about it he might realise that talk like that might impact his selection chances.

Here are some more quotes (real) from this pillock. My favourite bit is in bold.

"I'm not really sure where I stand at the moment but all I can do is the same thing which I've done for a good decade now and that's make runs and continue to do what I do best and help Victoria."

"(But Andrew Symonds) hasn't set the world on fire in the short (time) since he's been playing domestic cricket. I suppose that's the criteria for getting selected to represent your country."

"We've always been in similar situations, myself and Simon (Katich). Opportunities have been scarce and I'm happy for him he's finally got a run at it over a decent period of time, something I've never got an opportunity at I guess."

"Probably time's not on my side but there are other forms of the game which come around and as you can see my skills are still high."

"I don't think you ever really give up the dream or ambition until you get a tap on the shoulder, sometimes the writing is on the wall."

"I don't necessarily see it that way but as long as I'm playing good cricket and continuing to strive hard, you never know."

Bloody Victorians.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Ho ho ho

On the subject of sexy, I got an email from a fellow she-sandgroper, Jane, who referred me here.

If you'd like to know where that link will take you, I'll give you a clue.
If you would like to know what to purchase your favourite girly blogger for Christmas (I'm not limiting this to myself here - I'm sure neither Miriam, Nightwatchgirl or Dinnie would return this present!), here it is.

I do however have two concerns about this - that Shane Watson will be in it and Ricky Ponting won't be. Hmm. Sounds like I could be talking about the Ashes next year. But really, who wants to see Shane Watson in this calendar? What's the bet his photo would have been taken in front of a mirror?

It's a fundraiser for Glenn "My heart is broken and I'm grief personified, but did someone say book tour?" McGrath's charity, the McGrath Foundation. So a worthwhile investment from you to... me.

Speaking of good causes, Jrod is going all out for Movember. Let's get behind him in the fashion of the IPL. Except without gaudy gold or Harbhajan Singh. Thanks. If you're Australian and would like to claim the donation back on your tax, you can donate to the Full Tosser here.

Thursday, November 13, 2008

Crack out the zinc

Does anyone else find it an amazing coincidence that Andrew Symonds has been recalled now that the tour of India is over?

He was sent to club cricket, so heinous was crime fishing in work time. CLUB CRICKET. And then he played for Queensland. And not particularly well, yet he's still been recalled to the Test squad.

Don't get me wrong. We need something. Something has to help. And personally, I think Andrew Symonds cures all. But I think, if he was going to get banished, fishing in work time shouldn't have been the cover story.

He should have hit a woman. Except Ricky Ponting did that, and his punishment wasn't anywhere what near this one.

So, he should have hit a woman during work time.

Anyway, it'll be nice to see sexy back. Red just isn't his colour.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Running in straight lines

Do the Indians know how to run whilst avoiding objects?

About 3:00 into the video we see the Katich and Gambhir running incident on the 2nd day of Test match cricket in India. Now anyone who knows anything about physics knows that two objects cannot occupy the same space, at the same time. Gambhir obviously needs to go back to school and relearn that he cannot walk, jog or even run through other people at his own will. That would make him some kind of super being and he is definately not that considering he got out.
As the runs continue it makes you wonder if India are attempting to set up Australia a chasing total of around 8 billion runs, and if so, do they expect to win this test match from it.
Only time will tell.

So back to the original question, do the Indians know how to run whilst avoiding objects? No but they know how to run with their elbows out...

Full Tosser

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Better fired than dead

Geoff Lawson has been fired by the Pakistan Cricket Board for not being very good.

Now Pakistan need to find a coach before they play India in January.

And a miracle, if they're going to be expecting to win.

Is it just me or are they a bit pre-emptive? Sure they lost to Sri Lanka in Canada recently, but at least they didn't lose to Canada... or Ireland...

A few months ago a bunch of us applied to coach the BLACKCAPS!!!!!! (hey that's how it's written... nearly), anyone up for this?

If you are - good luck to you, it seems the Pakistanis have higher expectations than the Kiwis!

Adam Gilchrist is still my hero

When I first heard that Adam Gilchrist had been dishing dirt out on the Indians in his new book, my first thought was 'noooo Gilly, don't stir it up'.

But then I thought about it some more.

When Matt Hayden called Harbhajan Singh an obnoxious weed, I said that it was inappropriate for him to make any such comment while he was still playing for Australia.

Adam Gilchrist doesn't play for Australia anymore, quite obviously. And the fact that he didn't make these comments before now again reiterates his character, because I can imagine it was very tempting at times.

I've never had a problem with Sachin Tendulkar, on the contrary I admire him as much as the next person. I also, however, believe Gilly is a man of great integrity, and I don't for one second think he would make things up.

Adam Gilchrist is as about as vindictive as the dolphins at the WA Aquarium that were poisoned a few years ago. And while it re-opens a big can of worms that probably didn't need to be re-opened, why shouldn't he give his side of the story?

After all, everyone else did, just at the wrong time and with all the tact of Prince Philip.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Fight the future!

Yes, this is a call to arms as well as the name of the X-Files movie (mmm... David Duchovny).

Cricket Australia, in conjunction with New Zealand and South Africa, are going to hold a Twenty20 championship and invite international players to compete.

Yawn.

This isn't rugby union people. I'm going to go out on a limb and say NO ONE WILL BE INTERESTED IN OUR OFFERING.

Oh but wait. They're going invite players like Sachin Tendulkar to compete.

"Play in Australia? How much? Wa-ha-ha-ha, bother me not, pleb, I am busy rolling around in my swimming pools of cash. Run along!"

They would be better off initiating a second tournament against England, because that's what draws people in, gets bums on seats and ultimately makes the money.

Plus, the English players would be up for it. They'd do anything for a few minutes of sunshine, poor loves.

Why are we all giving in to Twenty20? Doesn't anyone believe in real cricket anymore?

Twenty20 cricket is not the future. We must fight it.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Bringing emo back

Australian cricket's own Sally Robbins has done it again.

That's right, Shaun Tait has again taken a page from ol Sal's book and made it known he's ready to come back to cricket now. He's all better.

Does anyone else find this a little bit too convenient? The chips are down so it's time to step out of the shadows and save the day. Someone's been watching The Dark Knight on loop, by the sound of it... and missed the ending.

Now, I'm all for giving second chances (except to Sally Robbins. She didn't deserve a second chance.).

And, taking the fella on face value, pleased to hear he has recovered.

And, God knows we need someone who's actually going to take some wickets.

But if he goes back into the side, he has to realise the pressure on him will be far more immense than the pressure that was on him when he buckled underneath it.

Is he up for it? Is he really?

Because I don't believe in going easy on elite sportspeople. If he's there, he gives his pound of flesh or gets dumped.

If he is picked again, but it all gets to be too much for him again, he will never play for Australia again.

And if he's the reason we lose any matches (remember the last Perth Test anyone? Or is it only me, seeing as I was there and have photos of the sunburn to prove it?) people will be a lot less forgiving, and he could forget sympathy.

Maybe he should wait for a bit, so it doesn't just look like he's trying to be a hero. Because then he will most certainly be a candidate for EPIC CRICKET FAILURE.

"I can't remember the last time I felt so happy."

Yes I took the bait

I received an email recently from a lady who has the same name as one of my best friends.

I was hugely confused because the email was all about cricket. And this friend don't like cricket (nor does she love it).

Then I realised it was from someone else, a marketing rep, writing to tell me that Cricket NSW have a new website, inauspiciously named breedingthebignames.com. Cocky bastards.

Now, this name is all well and good if you're from NSW, but actually some of us aren't. And the fact that the national team is picked from the NSW players on offer (and one Tasmanian captain, how's that for an outlier?)

And WA have 'bred' our fair share of big names, thanks.

But the site is worth a visit because it has the craziest video gimmick on it. By crazy I mean scary. Cricketers with giant plastic heads. Seriously. I'm not sure who thought it was a good idea but they missed the mark a bit because I couldn't work out who was supposed to be who. I don't think Brett Lee is going to be very impressed with his!

I heard the Tasmanians are trialing something similar for their new website, but theirs will have two heads.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Conspiracy theory

Warriors play well.

Australia plays crap.

Australia calls up key Warriors player(s).

Australia plays well.

Warriors play crap.

New South Wales continues reign.

So fine, take Shaun Marsh. Whatever helps. But I'm onto you.

Screw you, ABC Perth

Over the weekend I was asked to be on a radio show that's broadcast to ABC local radio stations in Darwin and Alice Springs. The programme is called the Hair of the Blog and last week they chatted to an Indian blogger about Harbhajan Singh and racism. You can listen to that here, it's about halfway in. Mr India had some pretty interesting insight on what really happened with Harbhajan Singh last summer...

Anyway, they also quoted a highly articulate passage or two from this humblest of cricket blogs, and had the audacity to label me a 'rabid fan'... and suggest that these pages are littered with profanity. Like, what the fuck?

Stoked to be noticed (I guess they haven't seen Cricket With Balls and well, I wasn't going to say anything, though if you listen there was a little salute to the Caesar Augustus of cricket blogging) I went on the show last weekend, and it was awesome fun, though I didn't get asked for my opinion on racism in cricket, which was kinda disappointing. In case you are wondering what these views might be, take a look here.

BUT, and I am going somewhere here, Michelle, who is the programme's presenter, thinks that cricket is the least sexy of all sports. I know, crazy.

Which made me think, hmmm. How can people not say that in fact cricket is the sexiest of all sports! Those cute cable knit jumpers and the lads who wear them, I could write a book on it!

I would refer Michelle to the following...

Mmm. Very sexy.


While on the other hand these...

...are disgusting!

If you want to hear me on the radio, do so here. At about -50 minutes. Just know this. I don't usually laugh so much.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

On a hat-trick

We're 8/144.

Ground, open up and swallow them.

Tasmania. Full of Tasmanians.

Last week I was critical of Tasmania, for having Queensland at a ridiculously low score and still managing to lose.

Let's just reflect on that again.

BAHAHAHAHAHA.

Right, but we bowled them out for 187 and then they had us at 4/33. And then Adam Voges and SJ Magoffin (wtf is he? but whoever he is he also bowled 3/31!) went to town and the next fall of wicket was at 5/140.

Did I mention we claimed first innings points for the second consectutive match. Yes, that's right, the tables might finally be turning (and then the good ones will be Baggy Greened and we'll be crap again!)

At stumps on day two, Tasmania, in their second innings, were 1/59.

A thing or two extra to note. Theo Doropoulos made 34 and bowled 1/24.

Luke Ronchi made 40 of 33... that's a strike rate of 121 kids... a score that Michael Vaughan would have made off 250 MAYBE and therefore about eight times the strike rate.

Shhhhh... can you hear that? That's the sound of India calling...

Monday, October 20, 2008

Hark!

We're a bit shit aren't we?!

Five for 58, that's a score I even give permission to England to laugh at us for. What's going on? And why were Brett and Ricky arguing? Punter didn't let Binga bowl, and why not? We can't crumble from within too!

This is what happens when the likes of Michael Clarke become a senior player! ARGH! "Men" like him are not to be trusted!

Aside from Princess Pup though, it's time to get tough and cut some of the fat.

Matthew Hayden, time to go.

Ricky Ponting... you're next.

I don't like having to bestow this cruelty upon my boys but we need to think of the bigger picture here.

1. Australia + cricket ≠ losing.
2. The Ashes.

I've always had faith and we've turned some pretty rough situations around before. Obviously that won't be the case here, but there is a lesson to be learnt. Complacency kills. As does alliteration, on occasion. As well as assonance.

I don't mind us losing when we're clearly doing our best. But this... to my eyes we're playing carelessly and I don't like it.

Buck up, lads. You're embarrassing us.

It's five for a hundred-and-something now. Gee. I feel so much better.

Not to add insult to injury or anything (much), but you'll notice I've added Amit Mishra to my list of claimed players.

Positive thinking

No one would have believed, that in the last few decades, that Australian Cricket was being watched from the over populated subcontinent.
No one could have dreamed that we were being scrutinised, like Tony Grieg hunched over a dry wicket, with a key in the pitch.
Few men even considered talented life in that other ‘world’, and yet from across the Indian Ocean, minds incredibly different to ours regarded our success with envious eyes, and slowly, and surely, they drew their plans against us…

…the crowds wailing took possession of me. I was intensely weary, footsore, hungry and thirsty. Why was I fielding alone in this city of the punjab? Why was I alive, when Aussie pride was lying in state in its black shroud? I felt intolerably lonely, drifting from over to wicketless over, drawn inexorablytowards Ponting’s cry. I saw, over the stumps, the Little Master from whichthe roaring crowds cheered. I crossed towards second slip. There stood a Laxman, upright, but as still as his partner.

Abruptly, the sound ceased.

Suddenly, the desolation, the solitude, became unendurable. While the chants sounded, India still seemed alive. Now suddenly, there was a change, the passing of something - and all that remained was thisgaunt quiet. I looked up and saw that obnoxious weed in the stands, he was erect and motionless, like the others. An insane resolve possessed me I would give my best to Australia Here and Now.
I marched recklessly towards our captain and saw that a multitude of dark expressions were on his face under his Baggy Green.

I began debating my bowling with him. I felt no fear, only a wild, trembling exultation, as I ran down towards the stumps towards the motionless Master. Out of my hands came the red ball, at which the hungry run machine now watched and swung…I scrambled to my left and took the catch the first wickets of many, Dhoni’s camp took a double hat-trick beating. A mighty silence came forth, and scattered about it, in their overturned smiles, were the Indian crowds - soundless... defeated, after all BCCI devices had failed, by the humblest things in Australia, Spirit. Good ole’, digger, Spirit!Directly when the tourists arrived and played and started losing, our microscopic allies kicked in. From that moment - they were doomed!The tournament was ended. The people scattered over the country, desperate, hero less, starving for a win... the thousands who had come to see - including the one most dear to me - all would believe. The pulse of life Down Under growing stronger and stronger, would beat again. As life returns to normal, the question of another attack from India causes universal concern. Is our country safe? Or is this time of peace merely a reprieve? It may be that, across the immensity of the Ocean, they have learned their lessons and even now await their opportunity. Perhaps the future belongs not to us - but to the Indians...

From Full Tosser

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Warriors huzah

Let's have a little look at how the start of the Australian domestic season is going. Read: Take that New South Wales!

Oh, what's that? Western Australia defeated New South Wales by eight wickets? AND first innings points? Goodness we are off to a fine start. Emphatic, did I hear you say? Indeed.

Bowling a grand total of six overs, 0/17, scoring a duck and 2 respectively, as well as being injured, would be enough to condemn any non-NSW player to the depths of ... hell. Beau Casson, on the other hand, is probably en route to India as I write.

Really, it was all thanks to Luke Pomersbach, who scored 78 off 74 in the second innings, and Shaun Marsh, who was 74 not out.

Until the name change in the late 90s, WA didn't do too badly in the Sheffield Shield for a few years. Let's hope this good start is a sign of things to come. And by 'let's' I know I'm talking about me and only me.

This weekend - WA vs Tasmania. I'm there.

The Warriors are on the march... one match at a time.

Monday, October 13, 2008

BCCI - still evil

Did you know that Reuters can get a reporter anywhere in the world, with the exception of the two poles, within eight hours. I thought that was quite impressive when I first heard it, and that was a few years ago now.

In a particularly confusing news story, the very same organisation were last week said to be both boycotting and working towards an agreement for their coverage of the Australia-India series with the Almighty BCCI.

The Almighty BCCI really are a bunch of lamoes. Or is it lamos? Either way, they're lame and annoying and should stop being so precious about the conditions they put on news agencies sharing photos and coverage with the great unwashed.

But Reuters have now resumed their coverage. There was a statement.

"We are grateful to the BCCI for taking such a fair and reasonable approach in this matter and are delighted to be able to resume coverage of the current series in India," Christoph Pleitgen, global head of news agency for Thomson Reuters, said.

Using Altavista's Babelfish, my contact within the organisation and my innate journalistic skills, I translated it thus: "The BCCI are a bunch of corrupt, supercilious wankers. But we all knew that. They probably didn't want us covering the series in case one of our journalists exposes the true extent of their corruption. Reuters will not be denied. Fuckers. We'll get 'em."

Did I mention I got a cease and desist letter from them over some image I used months ago? Haha.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Queenslanders, funny buggers

Let's have a look at how the early wickets fell in Queenland's second innings against Tassie.

1-8 , 2-9, 3-13, 4-14, 5-14, 6-16, 7-22, 8-34.

They were all out for 62. Tasmania needed 193 to win, but in the end they were 48 runs short and Queensland won the match.

To me this says more about Tasmania's ineffectuality than Queensland's ability, even if Queensland did have Andrew Symonds playing. It's good to see Roy playing at state level. It was so depressing to hear he was playing at club level a week or so back. And SO wrong. And, you know, imagine being the poor bastard who had to face him, batting or bowling. I'd have run for the hills.

If someone could tell me what Tasmania is good at... or for, please go ahead!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

It's Miss Field, bitch

Ok ok so my comeback was worse that Britney's MTV effort, apparently. But in case you wondered -- I fell. Through fire. And water. From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak. Until at last, I threw down my enemy and some his ruin upon the mountainside. Darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead, and every day was as long as the life age of the earth. But it was not the end, I felt light in me again.

I've been sent back until my task is done.

And if you've emailed me or requested anything in the last few weeks, I know there have been a couple, link swaps and all, please re-request. I didn't mean to forget but I did.

September was a shit month for cricket. But who'd have thought it would take an email from New Zealand Cricket to get me motivated. Especially one that looks like this.

I mean please, who's going to take that seriously? Nonetheless, BLACKCAPS.com is back too. Contain that excitement, at once! I bet Dan Vettori was thrilled that they used that photo. In fact, with such exciting CAPITALISATION, you'd think they'd have an EXCLAMATION MARK. Oh, wait...

In an in-depth analysis of this new look with a friend from across the ditch, it was suggested that maybe New Zealand Cricket are trying to make him seem a little bit, well, tougher.

I'm not convinced. I think he looks more like he won $200 on Deal or No Deal than got Ricky Ponting out for a golden duck.

ANYWAY, cricket.

Australia in India. Look. We're gonna lose.

But the thing is, the most important thing of all, is not until next year. We can lose all the matches between now and then - though I'd prefer we didn't - and if it meant we retain the Ashes five-nil, it would be well worth it.

However, my goodness India shit me off. There's Ganguly ranting about how they'll clean sweep the series for sure (prove me wrong boys, I beseech thee).

There's some other prick accusing us of cheating. Sehwag. How dare he. What's that expression about stones and glass houses... or kettles and black pots. Eh? EH? Like we lower our standards to your standards.

Then there's Kumble pressing his hands over his ears and pretending he can't hear, instead of leading from the front and saying "OY VIRENDER, AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL THE MATCH HAS STARTED." Or maybe he's just a little embarassed to hear his own comments echoed months down the track, mmm?

Did I mention I'm going to India in November?

And they "dropped" Andrew Symonds, yeah very likely. I think "attitude problem" might be code for "protect him from deranged Indians", which I'm all for. Anyway it's worked out quite well really, he's had a fishing lure named after him. Seriously, what more could he want from life?

Finally, let's hope someone has had the foresight to tape Harbhajan Singh's mouth shut.

It's not the Ashes. But damn it would be good to kick butt.


Oh. And if you're an Irish engineer who's a 'follower' of this page, can I have your number?

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Return of the... well, me

I am back.

I have missed writing on here, although in the last couple of weeks I almost forgot about it, but I'm glad that life might now soon get back to normal.

As far as cricket goes, all I know is that Australia beat Bangladesh and Brett Lee has left his wife, and seeing as only one of those things is cricket related I imagine I have a lot to catch up on.

Whose blog should I read to catch up?

There's always CWB, but I'll have to go through about thirty thousand pages to start from where I left off.

Republique Cricket, though there might be more expletives than cricket.

King Cricket, but it's all about County Cricket, not high on my list of priorities... yawn.

Hmmm.

It's nice to be back.

Monday, August 25, 2008

On a slightly different note...

...I just had to share this with y'll. I bolded my favourite bits. Hooray for sport.

Gloating British celebrate rare success

After 20 years of Olympic humiliation, the British have celebrated beating Australia's gold medal tally with all the restraint and good taste that you'd expect.

Tabloid UK newspaper The Sun hired tray-top trucks in both Sydney and London that were mounted with giant signs comparing Britain's (19) and Australia's (14) gold medal counts and driven around the respective cities.

Emblazoned across a Union Jack background was the question "Where the bloody hell were you?", referencing the Lara Bingle-led tourism ad campaign.

The signs also hint at Australia's relative "failure" in cycling, rowing and other sports in which the contestants sit down — events with obvious appeal to the British and where they accumulated the bulk of their gold.

The Sun even scoured London for an Australian called Bruce, finally cornering 48-year-old Bruce Howes in what they termed a "posh Kensington High Street" and confronting him with the rare defeat.

"We'll get you next time," he warned.

British expat Suzie O'Carroll, who forwarded a mobile phone photo of the truck driving along George St this morning to ninemsn, said she thought the Sun had been "pretty darn quick" in setting up the prank.

"I've heard that the bookies are offering odds of 4/7 on Britain getting more medals next time and the same odds of us beating Australia," she said.

"I'm sure the Aussies will pour everything into avoid that, but I think the GB will still come out on top."

Asked if she might rub in another victory for the motherland amongst Antipodean colleagues, Ms O'Carroll said: "Well, maybe just a little bit."

British excitement is understandable: it is the first time since the 1988 Seoul Olympics that the country has topped Australia's medal count.

The fervour has been further increased by the prospect of federal sports minister Kate Ellis wearing red, white and blue clothing to a sporting event involving the two countries as a result of a bet with her British equivalent Gerry Sutcliffe.

A spokesman for Ms Ellis said she had not yet decided when she would meet the obligation but "would be looking at the calendar in the coming months to see in which events the two nations clash".

Surely, as their population is three times ours, they should have collected three times as many gold medals? Logic? What is this logic?

Sunday, August 24, 2008

What's all this philosophy crap...?

Isn't it great when we see KP (or KCrap as I call him) getting his boys geared up for the upcoming Ashes series by saying that Australia is beatable in the form England is in at the moment. 9 months is a long way off fellas, remember it took less than a second for us Aussies to lose the Ashes in 05 when McGrath stepped on a ball conveniently placed there by Bell, he was so small we didn't even see him put it there!

Pietersen obviously full of himself will not hesitate to tell you how he wants to captain this holey ship called England. That's all well and good for the enemy, let them banter about their little strategies to overcome the mammoth run scoring machine called the Australian Batsmen, and the gargantuan wicket taking cyborg called the Australian Bowlers. All of it will come to no avail.

Which leads me to the point i'm laborously trying to get to.
Michael Clarke has come out recently and told us how he wants to captian the Aussie side. Talking abit about being positive blah blah blah. Now being a die hard Aussie fan I can't critisise him all that much but just to say, c'mon Pup, all you need to do is win. We don't care how you do it! Australians hate losing, especially to them unwashable english who suprisingly enough have an abundance of rain.

Anyhow the Full Tosser will be in Darwin for the last game of the series out there and I hope to hear Pup under his breath willing the team to "Win, win,win".

By the Full Tosser

Monday, August 11, 2008

Fare thee well

Last week a snap election was called here in WA.

You might be wondering why you care, and you probably don't, but for me in my current job, well, my feet haven't touched the ground since it was announced.

This does have relevance to cricket, because I had to cancel my trip to Darwin to see Australia play Bangladesh. The match was on the same day as the election. Dedicated, am I not?

It also means that posts, if any, will be few and far between.

So, if not before, I will be back after the election night hangover has subsided.

Go Australia! Boo England!

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Blogroll this, kids

Jumping on the female cricket blogger bandwagon, say hello to Nightwatchgirl.

Her blog looks quite a bit like mine - but don't be fooled. She is English.

She touts her blog as being the Non-Expert Expert's Guide to the Greatest Game of All.

She's clearly displeased with the appointment of KP and is on the hunt for someone to captain England (I think my brother applied - a far better candidate).

She's pretty cool. For English.

Welcome to the indefatigable world of cricket blogging.

Shoosh y'all, Gilly speaks

There was a picture of Gilly in today's West Australian (look, I have to read it for work. I don't enjoy it).

Gilly thinks Twenty20 cricket should be introduced to the Olympics in, er, 2020.

"Cricket was part of the 1900 Olympics, when Great Britain beat France," he said.

Was that the last time Great Britain beat France at anything? Probably because they got to utilise the services of Irish, Scottish, Welsh players.

"I believe the Olympic Games is the vehicle the sport should use to aggressively sell the message of our sport to all 202 competing Olympic nations, so our sport is strong and robust in countries where it is currently played, and exciting and groundbreaking in countries who haven't yet caught the cricket bug."

I'm up for that, I'm sure Warney would still be an option, bring it on! Our lads can add Olympic gold medals to their mantles... they'll just have to nudge a little space between the urn and the world cup, plenty of room.

Monday, August 4, 2008

Don't pretend to be surprised, that's called denial

When I first saw a picture of a teary Michael Vaughan my first thought was that he'd realised how stupid his hair looked and was making an apology to the world. Then I realised what a foolish notion that was - as if he'd think his hair looked stupid.

So I see he's resigned. How shocking. Are you shocked? You shouldn't be. Denial is not just a river in Egypt (hilarious, I know). And now that I've been able to stop laughing at the resignation and apparent surprise, I can write about how Kevin Pietersen should be England's next captain.

If they want the Ashes back, he's their only hope.

So, they will pick Andrew Strauss.

When England won the Ashes in 2005, the good Poms went crazy for cricket. It was great to see.

But the soccer mob was not happy about it. They threatened the ECB, told them if they ever won an Ashes series again they would take their firstborn grandchild (because all the ECB are old) and spin the kid into gold for Australia's one day uniforms. And then hobble the entire cricket team.

The ECB did not want this to happen. They could handle losing the Ashes, but if there was no cricket team to play (because they had no feet), they couldn't even contest the Ashes, and then they would have no jobs. Bugger the grandkids.

If they'd really thought it through they'd have realised that the police would have caught on if every single player was mysteriously hobbled. But they didn't think about it.

So they installed Andrew Flintoff as captain. He didn't let them down. They lost five-nil.

But the public (especially the public who had spent not-so-small fortunes on getting to Australia to watch the series) were not happy, and Flintoff had to go. So they thought they'd get one up on the mob, and attempted to hobble him themselves. It didn't work, but it kept him sidelined for a while.

And then Vaughan returned from injury. England's favourite son, who would lead them to victory once more. Unfortunately, the selectors knew he was a liability if they were to keep their jobs and their teams' feet. So what did they do? They told Vaughan about the threat. And what did he do? He cried and ran away.

Plus he was rubbish. A mediocre-at-best player whose leadership skills made up for his lack of playing ability, who made promises he couldn't keep, saw poor performances as being acceptable and couldn't justify his arrogance with results.

So if you've ever wondered about dodgy selections, suspicious injuries or early retirements, now you know why.

In order to fail again, Strauss is their man. Not their only man, one of ten in fact.

I want KP to be the next captain because he's hot, and I for one would like to see that angsty power struggle of captains that would exist between he and Ricky Ponting/Graeme Smith/Daniel Vettori. Can you imagine Stuart Broad in such a fashion? I thought not.

Also, because he's the only one who really seems to have a winning attitude (and if you hadn't noticed, this lack of winning attitude is what annoys me about England the most, and in a supreme fashion). But, and for the same reason, I don't want him to be captain.

Hands off those Ashes. Flounder away.

This one's for you, Vaughany.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Newsflash

England captain's run total exceeds his IQ.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

A new Ponting

Cricketers have girl babies and the captain of Australia is no exception.

For years I thought he already had a few girls, but when Mrs P announced she had a bun in the oven, at the AB Medal night back in January, it was revealed the child would be their first.

The captain's firstborn is a girl.

Said child popped out this morning, and they have named her Emmy Charlotte. Emmy Ponting. Pretty enough, but wouldn't Emily or Emma have sufficed? Still. Beats Apple.

When Michael Vaughan's wife had their first child, Talullah, the air force did a flyover during a match, as a salute to the captain's firstborn. Pretentious rubbish that I hope we're spared.

Let's also hope they spare her the indignity of a "welcome to the world" magazine photo shoot.

Congrats, Punter.

Friday, July 25, 2008

A win for WA

The third best bum in cricket is moving to Western Australia. That's right, Mitchell Johnson is going to play for the Warriors.

His girlfriend, Jessica Bratich (here you go, lads), who, remarkably, is not blonde, plays some sport or other at elite level and is based here. Karate, I think.

He wanted to continue to play for Queensland while living in Perth, but it wasn't to be.

We get them any way we can. Any ideas who we should honey trap next? God knows the Warriors need some help.

What was the name of that ranga who defected to some other state? Chris someone? Meh.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

My application to coach New Zealand

Dear Mr Vaughan,

It can’t be denied that the Black Caps’ performance of late has been seriously lacking, and I propose two remedies for this situation:

  1. Hire an Australian coach (the recent appointment of a NZer to coach our rugby team seems to be going very well - thanks for that)
  2. Hire a female coach (hasn't been tried, haven't got much left to lose really, have you?)

Fortunately for both of us, I happen to be both these things, and so please accept my application for the position.

Firstly, there is a serious flaw in your medium-term objectives for the Black Caps – aiming to be number two is unacceptable. If you’re not going to aim to be the best, why bother? This attitude might be ok when you’re playing England, but to beat the teams worth beating, Australia, South Africa, Canada, you have to be number one.

My style of leadership will be reminiscent of Phil Jackson, coach of the successful LA Lakers basketball team, who utilises an holistic approach to coaching.

However, my approach will differ somewhat. I will use the principles of Taoism to propel the Black Caps to the top of the rankings. Taoist propriety and ethics emphasise the Three Jewels of the Tao: compassion, moderation, and humility. As an example of how this would function, I would ask the players to imagine the person they love most in the world being clubbed with a metal bar by Matthew Hayden. I would describe this situation to them vividly and with the aim of causing distress. I would then ask them to think about what compassion, moderation and humility means to them. And then send them out to face Australia.

My reference text will be The Tao of Pooh, and copies will be distributed to each player. It will become their bible.

I will be committed to maintaining close working relationships with all players, most significantly the captain, with whom I will engage in intense one-to-one brainstorming sessions on a regular basis.

Finally, I also possess the rare skill of being able to recognise players and opponents by their backsides, an ability that could potentially come in very handy.

My staff would be as follows:
My assistant coach will be Miriam, a very successful person. Although she is not Australian, she is female, and this would be suitable for an assistant coaching role. Considering the prowess of her country (England)’s cricket team, this move may be deemed contradictory, however Miriam is an extraordinarily resilient and patient person - two attributes that will be essential in fixing the Black Caps.

Physiotherapist – I happen to be a qualified physiotherapist, and so will take on this role myself.

Media adviser – Jrod, and to prove why, I will not explain. Because you already know.

Psychologist – I happen to be a qualified clinical sports psychologist and so will take on this role myself.

Below I have addressed the selection criteria. I look forward to hearing from you for an interview.

Sincerely,

Field (Miss)


QUALIFICATIONS ESSENTIAL:
• Level 3 Cricket Coaching Qualification or International equivalent - Attained from Joondalup TAFE, completed 2004.
• Drivers License – No, have a drivers licence though.
• Must be legally entitled to work in New Zealand - I’m Australian, even better than the real thing.

PREFERRED:
• Tertiary qualification in a related discipline – Communications degree (Edith Cowan University) majoring in scriptwriting and journalism. I can write the ending.

PERSONAL ATTRIBUTES:
Is passionate about cricket – Played Kanga cricket when I was seven.
Commitment to NZC values and culture - Not even, ow.
Is a good judge of talent – Propositioned Daniel Vettori from the perimeter, within days he was made captain.
Works on compensating for personal weaknesses and limits – Cadbury Milk Tray has a chocolate for every weakness.
Seeks feedback – in C Minor, to the tune of Love Game from the Mighty Boosh.
Pursues everything with energy and drive and a need to win – I have learnt these valuable lessons from England: Energy – Red Bull (thanks KP), Drive – Jaguar (thanks MV), a need to win – watching England inspires this.
Treats all players equitably, doesn’t give preferential treatment – All players will be treated. My door is always open.
Keeps confidences – to give an example would be breaking a confidence.
Is viewed as bright and intelligent – My mum said so.
Practices what they preach – Jandals.
Requires excellence, does not expect perfection – there is no such thing as giving 110 per cent and I won’t accept any bullshit of this manner.
Creates trust and commands respect – In place of a Dark Lord you will have a Queen. All shall love me and despair.
Motivational and inspiring - Wake up calls will consist of the Numa Numa song at 0530hrs each morning.
Thinks before talking to the media, knows that journalists are looking for a story that will sell - I AM the New Zealand media.
Listens and pays attention to players – one on one or the whole team.
Delivers thoughts in a clear, concise manner - “!”
Presents body language that represents enthusiasm, class and character - If the boys are sad I will square dance to cheer them up. They can join in.
Provides consistent messages to players – Losing is not an option.
Is honest with the team and always in a positive way – Australia crapped on you but in some cultures that’s good luck.
Can manoeuvre through complex political situations effectively and quietly - I have it on good authority that I will be the 31st prime minister of Australia. Politics is my middle name.
Positive and enthusiastic attitude - Ooh aah, Glenn McGrath!
Has a sense of humour – Don’t ask me, ask Jeff, he’s a Maori.
Has a high work ethic - not sure about high, definitely strong though.
Committed to succeed – I’m Australian, it’s in my blood.
Willing to be judged on results - an exciting prospect, my unequivocal greatness is for all to see.
Shows selflessness and understands that the ‘game’ is bigger than themS - Jesse Ryder, who is the game, certainly is bigger than me. I have no qualms here.
Willing and able to work in the best interest of NZ Cricket - Ricky who?
Ability to multi task and complete projects in diverse international environments - Am female.
Must be able to travel domestically and balance work/life priorities - Travel domestically in New Zealand? Good one.
A flexible attitude to working, willing to work evenings and weekends, understands cricket is a seasonal sport – Happy to whore myself for New Zealand Cricket.

Monday, July 21, 2008

When cricket bloggers go crazy...

As I'm sure you've all read, Jrod has started a new blog, for all things movies, music and books.

My suspicion that he is actually a Time Lord with amazing time and space manipulation skills still stands. All he needs is a Time Lord name. I will call him... The Blogger.

Anyway.

Some would say that being such a hillbilly, I'm not qualified to write for such a beacon of pop culture, but judge for yourself.

You'll not only find Jrod at his best, Sportsfreak's evil twin Leg Break made an appearance, and it also looks like someone is regretting a certain bet, and looking to get out of it. I don't think so somehow!

It's like The Brady Bunch meets The War of the Worlds.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Not quite Billy No-mates

In light of recent declarations of lurve, I had a little search to see if Facebook loves Billeh as much as Suave does.

Billy Bowden Is a God - 269 members - it's pretty up to date, the most recent post was three hours ago. It is quite generic fandom though, they think he's great, they don't worship his ears. Or his arms. Or whatever it was those crazy Ian Bell fangirls (and boys) were worshipping.

There's a group called FREE BILLY BOWDEN - with 64 members, but the members all look like American bogans (or whatever America call their bogans) and the three most recent wall posts are:
"Not Guilty"
"best of luck to you bro, and I hope your out on the streets veryy soon player, take care homie and keep ur head up....."
"Fuck the police!Stop setting honest buisness men up!"

Riiiiiight! So let's just roll on by that one.

The Billy Bowden Appreciation Society - 11 members. As well as the cartoon on the right, there's also a link a certain video, yes you know the one...

Love the commentary.

"He wasn't happy..." I wonder why.

"It probably could have gone for four..." How sensitive of you.

We Hate Billy Bowden - 4 members - So popular, even the admins have left. Actually, looking at it, the remaining members are called Suave, Suave Republique, Republique Suave and Tell Me I'm Fucking Suave Or I'll Fucking Rip Your Throat Out. Hmm. Bit of a giveaway!

Dancing whilst being a cricket umpire is great - 8 members - is An ode to those of who love being a bit silly whilst pretending to be Billy Bowden or Steve Bucknor.

And my favourite - Billy Bowden would be the best wedding guest ever - 13 members.

"A mate of mine is getting married and we want this great man on the top table, to declare the bar and buffet open in his flamboyant and unique fashion."


Definitely something to bear in mind if tying the knot, lovers of cricket.

There's also a link to a video - "New Zealand umpire Billy Bowden almost gave a heart attack to Ponting when he raised his finger actually to scratch his nose."

On a different note, on NZ's trademe (you know it's from NZ if there's a silhouette of a kiwi) site, I remember last year he was part of a charity auction in which bidders were vying for the chance to have ol' Billy mow their lawn.

What would you pay, considering it would go to charity, for this service? No excuses if ya got no garden.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Bad light, as one would say

Hi kids.

I am crook as a gook.

Only, what is a gook?

While I leave you to ponder such mysteries, here is a thought from Ian Bell (apparently he does that occasionally - think).

Monday, July 14, 2008

Vaughan: Men... AND cricket. No, wait...

It has come to my attention that a person in England recently Google-searched the following and ended up at this blog:

graeme smith michael vaughan gay

It is beyond me how anyone can look at this uber-masculine hunk of bemulleted manmeat (here pictured performing his best impersonation of Eva Peron, and making a fair go of it too) and think 'gay'?

Graeme Smith, on the other hand, camp as a row of tents.

The many faces of Graeme Smith

He's an emotional minefield.

"I'm happy."

"I'm sad."

"I'm excited."

"I'm pensive."

"I'm disappointed."

"I'm better than Kevin Pietersen. Fuck you, Kevin Pietersen."

"I'm angry."

"I'm in the mood."

"I'm in love."

"I'm dumped?"

Missing in action

According to my own list of upcoming tours, we're expecting Bangladesh.

Has anyone told Bangladesh?

Are they on their way? Are they already here? Has it already happened?

Mmm. Controversial.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

"I'm sorry, I thought you said you were deaf..."

We have a deaf cricket team.

So do England.

The natural progression for this is... an Ashes series!

Being held in sunny England, the tour is consisting of two Tests, four one dayers, and a Twenty20.

The first Test, played last week, was drawn, because of the weather. Not that it was bad, just that instead they decided to chase butterflies in the sunshine. No, it rained. Prior to this unlikely occurrence, however, the deaf Aussies had scored 334 in their first innings, and dismissed the deaf Poms for 252. We were then 8-137 but the buckets of rain meant it was a draw. Boo.

The second Test is getting underway today, in Wales. And, as my familiar, Ruth, pointed out, the deaf cricketers will probably get better coverage than the female cricketers, and that's not a dig at the deaf cricketers getting coverage.

However, I always thought deaf people found being called deaf insulting and preferred hearing impaired (not that they could hear it being said anyway. Shit, I am funny). I'd like to see a hearing imparied Australian cricketer good enough to make the national squad. Er. The national non-hearing impaired squad. The national non-hearing impaired male squad. You know. The one that Ricky Ponting captains.

And maybe KP should be transferred to the England hearing impaired squad. He seemed not to hear Andrew Flintoff a lot during the last Ashes series. Actually, maybe not. They'd probably win. Be hell funny if they didn't... and maybe worth it to see KP's frustration at having to communicate in means other than speech.

ANYWAY. Hearing impaired cricket. Coming to a closed caption TV near you.

"!"

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Life on Mars?

I had this idea to write a post about how England, upon having reached an impressive score, would launch their strategy, trialled in a previous match, of tripping batsmen over and running them out.

This tactic would see them win for sure. And Vaughan would be responsible, so we wouldn't have to endure Paul Collingwood sooking it up at a press conference ("Mummy!").

However it would seem that contrary to, well, my belief, they might just have the skill to bowl Graeme and his boys out.

Upon reflection of this last sentence, I think it's all a bit generous, especially my use of the word 'skill', which is often bandied around. Let's be honest; South Africa are just useless.

Somewhere along the wall the wheels fell off, rolled into a pool of ethanol and caught fire. The consequences were not only disastrous for Ian Bell, who was standing nearby at the time, but also for Graeme Smith who needs to bloody retrieve and repair them.

But watching this match has been like opening a brand new bag of previously unknown cricket emotions.

The joy of watching South Africa humiliate themselves.

The horror of watching England doing well.

The surprise that England aren't playing as defensively as usual.

The amusement in seeing Ian Bell dismissed on 199.

The hope that England are being lured by flukes into a false sense of security, as opposed to actually, er, bothering.

Further to this, the wonder of whether they're serious about winning for once or would take the light without hesitation as usual.

It's a world gone topsy-turvy.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Cricket... AND men...

Tell me, good folks, do you automatically assume that female cricket fans are gay? I'm sure many are, but no greater percentage than other other sport. And I mean genuine fans, not the tarts who accompany their menfolk to the matches in hope of being filmed half-dressed.

Two weekends ago I was at a political party conference.

I found myself sitting at a table of six where I was the only straight person.

One of the others asked me if I was gay, and I said no.

A bit later, during a particularly boring speech, I pulled my Wisden mag out of my bag.

"Are you sure you're not gay?"

Quite sure.

"I like cricket AND men," I explained, flicking through the mag to find a picture of Daniel Vettori.

The best I could do was Kevin Pietersen.

He doesn't do much for the argument of heterosexuality.

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