Dear "The England",
Here in Australia, the summer of cricket needs a bit of refreshing. No I'm not asking you to mail any Hugo Boss products across, I am hoping you can find time in between beating the crap out of the Black Caps to visit. I know of 11 blokes who'd be pleased to see you.
You see, India bring controversy, Sri Lanka bring rain. You bring good sport. Think the Colosseum. Think Romans and Christians and gladiators and lions. Imagine the possibilities!
I propose at least one test match. India couldn't possibly have played five and so we have been denied the full lifeblood of our summer. If you can't find a spare five days (although I'm confident you'll only need to commit to three) between your rounds of golf and visiting Lord of the Rings sights, how about a one dayer?
At least it would let Gilly have one last chance of smashing sixes everywhere, and don't you want do your bit in giving him the fine send-off he deserves? For the purpose of making it a truly worthwhile exercise, please bring Andrew Flintoff. No one has perfected the gape in quite the manner he has (as demonstrated in December 2006). I'm sure Gilly would love it.
When I can't get home in time to watch Today Tonight, you help me see the funny side of life. Think Fawlty Towers... there's always someone worse off... oh really, I'd like to meet him, I could do with a laugh. Indeed. Sleep well knowing you are that laugh. New Zealand clearly don't get the joke. So come to Australia, where you're fully appreciated.
We can even pass the hat around for a collection to buy you all some soap. And in a similar fashion, you can recycle all that charming convict rhetoric. The prospect of such gaiety is surely irresistible.
Aren't you up for the challenge? Surely your seasonal 'secret weapon' hasn't injured himself yet. In fact your secret weapon is yet to reveal who he is. Perhaps you've been saving him, waiting for an offer like this. Well, bring it on.
Miss Field for Cricket Australia
- ► 2009 (51)
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