Saturday, July 26, 2008

A new Ponting

Cricketers have girl babies and the captain of Australia is no exception.

For years I thought he already had a few girls, but when Mrs P announced she had a bun in the oven, at the AB Medal night back in January, it was revealed the child would be their first.

The captain's firstborn is a girl.

Said child popped out this morning, and they have named her Emmy Charlotte. Emmy Ponting. Pretty enough, but wouldn't Emily or Emma have sufficed? Still. Beats Apple.

When Michael Vaughan's wife had their first child, Talullah, the air force did a flyover during a match, as a salute to the captain's firstborn. Pretentious rubbish that I hope we're spared.

Let's also hope they spare her the indignity of a "welcome to the world" magazine photo shoot.

Congrats, Punter.

Friday, July 25, 2008

A win for WA

The third best bum in cricket is moving to Western Australia. That's right, Mitchell Johnson is going to play for the Warriors.

His girlfriend, Jessica Bratich (here you go, lads), who, remarkably, is not blonde, plays some sport or other at elite level and is based here. Karate, I think.

He wanted to continue to play for Queensland while living in Perth, but it wasn't to be.

We get them any way we can. Any ideas who we should honey trap next? God knows the Warriors need some help.

What was the name of that ranga who defected to some other state? Chris someone? Meh.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

My application to coach New Zealand

Dear Mr Vaughan,

It can’t be denied that the Black Caps’ performance of late has been seriously lacking, and I propose two remedies for this situation:

  1. Hire an Australian coach (the recent appointment of a NZer to coach our rugby team seems to be going very well - thanks for that)
  2. Hire a female coach (hasn't been tried, haven't got much left to lose really, have you?)

Fortunately for both of us, I happen to be both these things, and so please accept my application for the position.

Firstly, there is a serious flaw in your medium-term objectives for the Black Caps – aiming to be number two is unacceptable. If you’re not going to aim to be the best, why bother? This attitude might be ok when you’re playing England, but to beat the teams worth beating, Australia, South Africa, Canada, you have to be number one.

My style of leadership will be reminiscent of Phil Jackson, coach of the successful LA Lakers basketball team, who utilises an holistic approach to coaching.

However, my approach will differ somewhat. I will use the principles of Taoism to propel the Black Caps to the top of the rankings. Taoist propriety and ethics emphasise the Three Jewels of the Tao: compassion, moderation, and humility. As an example of how this would function, I would ask the players to imagine the person they love most in the world being clubbed with a metal bar by Matthew Hayden. I would describe this situation to them vividly and with the aim of causing distress. I would then ask them to think about what compassion, moderation and humility means to them. And then send them out to face Australia.

My reference text will be The Tao of Pooh, and copies will be distributed to each player. It will become their bible.

I will be committed to maintaining close working relationships with all players, most significantly the captain, with whom I will engage in intense one-to-one brainstorming sessions on a regular basis.

Finally, I also possess the rare skill of being able to recognise players and opponents by their backsides, an ability that could potentially come in very handy.

My staff would be as follows:
My assistant coach will be Miriam, a very successful person. Although she is not Australian, she is female, and this would be suitable for an assistant coaching role. Considering the prowess of her country (England)’s cricket team, this move may be deemed contradictory, however Miriam is an extraordinarily resilient and patient person - two attributes that will be essential in fixing the Black Caps.

Physiotherapist – I happen to be a qualified physiotherapist, and so will take on this role myself.

Media adviser – Jrod, and to prove why, I will not explain. Because you already know.

Psychologist – I happen to be a qualified clinical sports psychologist and so will take on this role myself.

Below I have addressed the selection criteria. I look forward to hearing from you for an interview.


Field (Miss)

• Level 3 Cricket Coaching Qualification or International equivalent - Attained from Joondalup TAFE, completed 2004.
• Drivers License – No, have a drivers licence though.
• Must be legally entitled to work in New Zealand - I’m Australian, even better than the real thing.

• Tertiary qualification in a related discipline – Communications degree (Edith Cowan University) majoring in scriptwriting and journalism. I can write the ending.

Is passionate about cricket – Played Kanga cricket when I was seven.
Commitment to NZC values and culture - Not even, ow.
Is a good judge of talent – Propositioned Daniel Vettori from the perimeter, within days he was made captain.
Works on compensating for personal weaknesses and limits – Cadbury Milk Tray has a chocolate for every weakness.
Seeks feedback – in C Minor, to the tune of Love Game from the Mighty Boosh.
Pursues everything with energy and drive and a need to win – I have learnt these valuable lessons from England: Energy – Red Bull (thanks KP), Drive – Jaguar (thanks MV), a need to win – watching England inspires this.
Treats all players equitably, doesn’t give preferential treatment – All players will be treated. My door is always open.
Keeps confidences – to give an example would be breaking a confidence.
Is viewed as bright and intelligent – My mum said so.
Practices what they preach – Jandals.
Requires excellence, does not expect perfection – there is no such thing as giving 110 per cent and I won’t accept any bullshit of this manner.
Creates trust and commands respect – In place of a Dark Lord you will have a Queen. All shall love me and despair.
Motivational and inspiring - Wake up calls will consist of the Numa Numa song at 0530hrs each morning.
Thinks before talking to the media, knows that journalists are looking for a story that will sell - I AM the New Zealand media.
Listens and pays attention to players – one on one or the whole team.
Delivers thoughts in a clear, concise manner - “!”
Presents body language that represents enthusiasm, class and character - If the boys are sad I will square dance to cheer them up. They can join in.
Provides consistent messages to players – Losing is not an option.
Is honest with the team and always in a positive way – Australia crapped on you but in some cultures that’s good luck.
Can manoeuvre through complex political situations effectively and quietly - I have it on good authority that I will be the 31st prime minister of Australia. Politics is my middle name.
Positive and enthusiastic attitude - Ooh aah, Glenn McGrath!
Has a sense of humour – Don’t ask me, ask Jeff, he’s a Maori.
Has a high work ethic - not sure about high, definitely strong though.
Committed to succeed – I’m Australian, it’s in my blood.
Willing to be judged on results - an exciting prospect, my unequivocal greatness is for all to see.
Shows selflessness and understands that the ‘game’ is bigger than themS - Jesse Ryder, who is the game, certainly is bigger than me. I have no qualms here.
Willing and able to work in the best interest of NZ Cricket - Ricky who?
Ability to multi task and complete projects in diverse international environments - Am female.
Must be able to travel domestically and balance work/life priorities - Travel domestically in New Zealand? Good one.
A flexible attitude to working, willing to work evenings and weekends, understands cricket is a seasonal sport – Happy to whore myself for New Zealand Cricket.

Monday, July 21, 2008

When cricket bloggers go crazy...

As I'm sure you've all read, Jrod has started a new blog, for all things movies, music and books.

My suspicion that he is actually a Time Lord with amazing time and space manipulation skills still stands. All he needs is a Time Lord name. I will call him... The Blogger.


Some would say that being such a hillbilly, I'm not qualified to write for such a beacon of pop culture, but judge for yourself.

You'll not only find Jrod at his best, Sportsfreak's evil twin Leg Break made an appearance, and it also looks like someone is regretting a certain bet, and looking to get out of it. I don't think so somehow!

It's like The Brady Bunch meets The War of the Worlds.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Not quite Billy No-mates

In light of recent declarations of lurve, I had a little search to see if Facebook loves Billeh as much as Suave does.

Billy Bowden Is a God - 269 members - it's pretty up to date, the most recent post was three hours ago. It is quite generic fandom though, they think he's great, they don't worship his ears. Or his arms. Or whatever it was those crazy Ian Bell fangirls (and boys) were worshipping.

There's a group called FREE BILLY BOWDEN - with 64 members, but the members all look like American bogans (or whatever America call their bogans) and the three most recent wall posts are:
"Not Guilty"
"best of luck to you bro, and I hope your out on the streets veryy soon player, take care homie and keep ur head up....."
"Fuck the police!Stop setting honest buisness men up!"

Riiiiiight! So let's just roll on by that one.

The Billy Bowden Appreciation Society - 11 members. As well as the cartoon on the right, there's also a link a certain video, yes you know the one...

Love the commentary.

"He wasn't happy..." I wonder why.

"It probably could have gone for four..." How sensitive of you.

We Hate Billy Bowden - 4 members - So popular, even the admins have left. Actually, looking at it, the remaining members are called Suave, Suave Republique, Republique Suave and Tell Me I'm Fucking Suave Or I'll Fucking Rip Your Throat Out. Hmm. Bit of a giveaway!

Dancing whilst being a cricket umpire is great - 8 members - is An ode to those of who love being a bit silly whilst pretending to be Billy Bowden or Steve Bucknor.

And my favourite - Billy Bowden would be the best wedding guest ever - 13 members.

"A mate of mine is getting married and we want this great man on the top table, to declare the bar and buffet open in his flamboyant and unique fashion."

Definitely something to bear in mind if tying the knot, lovers of cricket.

There's also a link to a video - "New Zealand umpire Billy Bowden almost gave a heart attack to Ponting when he raised his finger actually to scratch his nose."

On a different note, on NZ's trademe (you know it's from NZ if there's a silhouette of a kiwi) site, I remember last year he was part of a charity auction in which bidders were vying for the chance to have ol' Billy mow their lawn.

What would you pay, considering it would go to charity, for this service? No excuses if ya got no garden.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Bad light, as one would say

Hi kids.

I am crook as a gook.

Only, what is a gook?

While I leave you to ponder such mysteries, here is a thought from Ian Bell (apparently he does that occasionally - think).

Monday, July 14, 2008

Vaughan: Men... AND cricket. No, wait...

It has come to my attention that a person in England recently Google-searched the following and ended up at this blog:

graeme smith michael vaughan gay

It is beyond me how anyone can look at this uber-masculine hunk of bemulleted manmeat (here pictured performing his best impersonation of Eva Peron, and making a fair go of it too) and think 'gay'?

Graeme Smith, on the other hand, camp as a row of tents.

The many faces of Graeme Smith

He's an emotional minefield.

"I'm happy."

"I'm sad."

"I'm excited."

"I'm pensive."

"I'm disappointed."

"I'm better than Kevin Pietersen. Fuck you, Kevin Pietersen."

"I'm angry."

"I'm in the mood."

"I'm in love."

"I'm dumped?"

Missing in action

According to my own list of upcoming tours, we're expecting Bangladesh.

Has anyone told Bangladesh?

Are they on their way? Are they already here? Has it already happened?

Mmm. Controversial.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

"I'm sorry, I thought you said you were deaf..."

We have a deaf cricket team.

So do England.

The natural progression for this is... an Ashes series!

Being held in sunny England, the tour is consisting of two Tests, four one dayers, and a Twenty20.

The first Test, played last week, was drawn, because of the weather. Not that it was bad, just that instead they decided to chase butterflies in the sunshine. No, it rained. Prior to this unlikely occurrence, however, the deaf Aussies had scored 334 in their first innings, and dismissed the deaf Poms for 252. We were then 8-137 but the buckets of rain meant it was a draw. Boo.

The second Test is getting underway today, in Wales. And, as my familiar, Ruth, pointed out, the deaf cricketers will probably get better coverage than the female cricketers, and that's not a dig at the deaf cricketers getting coverage.

However, I always thought deaf people found being called deaf insulting and preferred hearing impaired (not that they could hear it being said anyway. Shit, I am funny). I'd like to see a hearing imparied Australian cricketer good enough to make the national squad. Er. The national non-hearing impaired squad. The national non-hearing impaired male squad. You know. The one that Ricky Ponting captains.

And maybe KP should be transferred to the England hearing impaired squad. He seemed not to hear Andrew Flintoff a lot during the last Ashes series. Actually, maybe not. They'd probably win. Be hell funny if they didn't... and maybe worth it to see KP's frustration at having to communicate in means other than speech.

ANYWAY. Hearing impaired cricket. Coming to a closed caption TV near you.


Saturday, July 12, 2008

Life on Mars?

I had this idea to write a post about how England, upon having reached an impressive score, would launch their strategy, trialled in a previous match, of tripping batsmen over and running them out.

This tactic would see them win for sure. And Vaughan would be responsible, so we wouldn't have to endure Paul Collingwood sooking it up at a press conference ("Mummy!").

However it would seem that contrary to, well, my belief, they might just have the skill to bowl Graeme and his boys out.

Upon reflection of this last sentence, I think it's all a bit generous, especially my use of the word 'skill', which is often bandied around. Let's be honest; South Africa are just useless.

Somewhere along the wall the wheels fell off, rolled into a pool of ethanol and caught fire. The consequences were not only disastrous for Ian Bell, who was standing nearby at the time, but also for Graeme Smith who needs to bloody retrieve and repair them.

But watching this match has been like opening a brand new bag of previously unknown cricket emotions.

The joy of watching South Africa humiliate themselves.

The horror of watching England doing well.

The surprise that England aren't playing as defensively as usual.

The amusement in seeing Ian Bell dismissed on 199.

The hope that England are being lured by flukes into a false sense of security, as opposed to actually, er, bothering.

Further to this, the wonder of whether they're serious about winning for once or would take the light without hesitation as usual.

It's a world gone topsy-turvy.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Cricket... AND men...

Tell me, good folks, do you automatically assume that female cricket fans are gay? I'm sure many are, but no greater percentage than other other sport. And I mean genuine fans, not the tarts who accompany their menfolk to the matches in hope of being filmed half-dressed.

Two weekends ago I was at a political party conference.

I found myself sitting at a table of six where I was the only straight person.

One of the others asked me if I was gay, and I said no.

A bit later, during a particularly boring speech, I pulled my Wisden mag out of my bag.

"Are you sure you're not gay?"

Quite sure.

"I like cricket AND men," I explained, flicking through the mag to find a picture of Daniel Vettori.

The best I could do was Kevin Pietersen.

He doesn't do much for the argument of heterosexuality.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

A token post

I seem to have missed Australia's tour of the West Indies.

Michael Clarke got an award.

It went well. Five-nil in fact. Sound familiar? But this is only one dayers. Imagine a Test five-nil whitewash. Imagine that. Can you? Go on.

So in the ICC Test rankings, England are only third to India by 1 point.

This worries me. If England are ranked second at the end of the year I will have to humiliate myself in some fashion.

So, I'm going to say something I never dreamt I would... I'm relying on South Africa not to let me down. Go South Africa!

Right now they are playing England.

Unfortunately, England are 0-71. Yuck. And like, wtf South Africa?

Also, David Lloyd has a particularly annoying voice. I wish he would stop talking. But no.

Graeme Smith is still single.

Monday, July 7, 2008

The English Stratagem (By The Full Tosser)

The climate is fluctuating like Marilyn Munroe's skirt, Gas prices soar as the world economy looks shaky and England gains 3rd spot in the ICC test rankings? What is the world coming to?

Although this news is old (last month) I feel it important to write about (Miss Field also seems to have fallen off the radar again!). With a few rare wins under their belt from an obviously depleted Kiwi side the England side has slided into third spot, with their points accrument now at 5285 from 48 matches. The team in second spot being India on 4642 from 42 matches and on top spot is of course Australia on 4650 on 33 matches. Say what you might ask, we've played less than a third of the England games and still we're classed as better than them? Yes would be the inevitable answer, and answer given with a wry smile if you're a pom. Now the ICC does have a way of determining how each team ranks with regards to their performance however that isn't the point of this post. The point is England is 3rd! Are there dancing in the streets? IS there a knighthood for the team that got them there? A multimillion dollar parade down 'ole London town? No because who cares.

A question we should be asking is why after almost decades is this current team of socially retarded morons winning a few games? I have a theory, so please indulge me. Before each game, before each day and before each session, the team is made to watch something inspiring, something they can all relate to, something they find funny, and something that could be argued is close to their team strategy:

Next up the African Repellant Spray: South Africa