It can’t be denied that the Black Caps’ performance of late has been seriously lacking, and I propose two remedies for this situation:
- Hire an Australian coach (the recent appointment of a NZer to coach our rugby team seems to be going very well - thanks for that)
- Hire a female coach (hasn't been tried, haven't got much left to lose really, have you?)
Fortunately for both of us, I happen to be both these things, and so please accept my application for the position.
Firstly, there is a serious flaw in your medium-term objectives for the Black Caps – aiming to be number two is unacceptable. If you’re not going to aim to be the best, why bother? This attitude might be ok when you’re playing England, but to beat the teams worth beating, Australia, South Africa, Canada, you have to be number one.
My style of leadership will be reminiscent of Phil Jackson, coach of the successful LA Lakers basketball team, who utilises an holistic approach to coaching.
However, my approach will differ somewhat. I will use the principles of Taoism to propel the Black Caps to the top of the rankings. Taoist propriety and ethics emphasise the Three Jewels of the Tao: compassion, moderation, and humility. As an example of how this would function, I would ask the players to imagine the person they love most in the world being clubbed with a metal bar by Matthew Hayden. I would describe this situation to them vividly and with the aim of causing distress. I would then ask them to think about what compassion, moderation and humility means to them. And then send them out to face Australia.
My reference text will be The Tao of Pooh, and copies will be distributed to each player. It will become their bible.
I will be committed to maintaining close working relationships with all players, most significantly the captain, with whom I will engage in intense one-to-one brainstorming sessions on a regular basis.
Finally, I also possess the rare skill of being able to recognise players and opponents by their backsides, an ability that could potentially come in very handy.
My staff would be as follows:
My assistant coach will be Miriam, a very successful person. Although she is not Australian, she is female, and this would be suitable for an assistant coaching role. Considering the prowess of her country (England)’s cricket team, this move may be deemed contradictory, however Miriam is an extraordinarily resilient and patient person - two attributes that will be essential in fixing the Black Caps.
Physiotherapist – I happen to be a qualified physiotherapist, and so will take on this role myself.
Media adviser – Jrod, and to prove why, I will not explain. Because you already know.
Psychologist – I happen to be a qualified clinical sports psychologist and so will take on this role myself.
Below I have addressed the selection criteria. I look forward to hearing from you for an interview.
• Level 3 Cricket Coaching Qualification or International equivalent - Attained from Joondalup TAFE, completed 2004.
• Drivers License – No, have a drivers licence though.
• Must be legally entitled to work in New Zealand - I’m Australian, even better than the real thing.
• Tertiary qualification in a related discipline – Communications degree (Edith Cowan University) majoring in scriptwriting and journalism. I can write the ending.
Is passionate about cricket – Played Kanga cricket when I was seven.
Commitment to NZC values and culture - Not even, ow.
Is a good judge of talent – Propositioned Daniel Vettori from the perimeter, within days he was made captain.
Works on compensating for personal weaknesses and limits – Cadbury Milk Tray has a chocolate for every weakness.
Seeks feedback – in C Minor, to the tune of Love Game from the Mighty Boosh.
Pursues everything with energy and drive and a need to win – I have learnt these valuable lessons from England: Energy – Red Bull (thanks KP), Drive – Jaguar (thanks MV), a need to win – watching England inspires this.
Treats all players equitably, doesn’t give preferential treatment – All players will be treated. My door is always open.
Keeps confidences – to give an example would be breaking a confidence.
Is viewed as bright and intelligent – My mum said so.
Practices what they preach – Jandals.
Requires excellence, does not expect perfection – there is no such thing as giving 110 per cent and I won’t accept any bullshit of this manner.
Creates trust and commands respect – In place of a Dark Lord you will have a Queen. All shall love me and despair.
Motivational and inspiring - Wake up calls will consist of the Numa Numa song at 0530hrs each morning.
Thinks before talking to the media, knows that journalists are looking for a story that will sell - I AM the New Zealand media.
Listens and pays attention to players – one on one or the whole team.
Delivers thoughts in a clear, concise manner - “!”
Presents body language that represents enthusiasm, class and character - If the boys are sad I will square dance to cheer them up. They can join in.
Provides consistent messages to players – Losing is not an option.
Is honest with the team and always in a positive way – Australia crapped on you but in some cultures that’s good luck.
Can manoeuvre through complex political situations effectively and quietly - I have it on good authority that I will be the 31st prime minister of Australia. Politics is my middle name.
Positive and enthusiastic attitude - Ooh aah, Glenn McGrath!
Has a sense of humour – Don’t ask me, ask Jeff, he’s a Maori.
Has a high work ethic - not sure about high, definitely strong though.
Committed to succeed – I’m Australian, it’s in my blood.
Willing to be judged on results - an exciting prospect, my unequivocal greatness is for all to see.
Shows selflessness and understands that the ‘game’ is bigger than themS - Jesse Ryder, who is the game, certainly is bigger than me. I have no qualms here.
Willing and able to work in the best interest of NZ Cricket - Ricky who?
Ability to multi task and complete projects in diverse international environments - Am female.
Must be able to travel domestically and balance work/life priorities - Travel domestically in New Zealand? Good one.
A flexible attitude to working, willing to work evenings and weekends, understands cricket is a seasonal sport – Happy to whore myself for New Zealand Cricket.