Monday, August 4, 2008

Don't pretend to be surprised, that's called denial

When I first saw a picture of a teary Michael Vaughan my first thought was that he'd realised how stupid his hair looked and was making an apology to the world. Then I realised what a foolish notion that was - as if he'd think his hair looked stupid.

So I see he's resigned. How shocking. Are you shocked? You shouldn't be. Denial is not just a river in Egypt (hilarious, I know). And now that I've been able to stop laughing at the resignation and apparent surprise, I can write about how Kevin Pietersen should be England's next captain.

If they want the Ashes back, he's their only hope.

So, they will pick Andrew Strauss.

When England won the Ashes in 2005, the good Poms went crazy for cricket. It was great to see.

But the soccer mob was not happy about it. They threatened the ECB, told them if they ever won an Ashes series again they would take their firstborn grandchild (because all the ECB are old) and spin the kid into gold for Australia's one day uniforms. And then hobble the entire cricket team.

The ECB did not want this to happen. They could handle losing the Ashes, but if there was no cricket team to play (because they had no feet), they couldn't even contest the Ashes, and then they would have no jobs. Bugger the grandkids.

If they'd really thought it through they'd have realised that the police would have caught on if every single player was mysteriously hobbled. But they didn't think about it.

So they installed Andrew Flintoff as captain. He didn't let them down. They lost five-nil.

But the public (especially the public who had spent not-so-small fortunes on getting to Australia to watch the series) were not happy, and Flintoff had to go. So they thought they'd get one up on the mob, and attempted to hobble him themselves. It didn't work, but it kept him sidelined for a while.

And then Vaughan returned from injury. England's favourite son, who would lead them to victory once more. Unfortunately, the selectors knew he was a liability if they were to keep their jobs and their teams' feet. So what did they do? They told Vaughan about the threat. And what did he do? He cried and ran away.

Plus he was rubbish. A mediocre-at-best player whose leadership skills made up for his lack of playing ability, who made promises he couldn't keep, saw poor performances as being acceptable and couldn't justify his arrogance with results.

So if you've ever wondered about dodgy selections, suspicious injuries or early retirements, now you know why.

In order to fail again, Strauss is their man. Not their only man, one of ten in fact.

I want KP to be the next captain because he's hot, and I for one would like to see that angsty power struggle of captains that would exist between he and Ricky Ponting/Graeme Smith/Daniel Vettori. Can you imagine Stuart Broad in such a fashion? I thought not.

Also, because he's the only one who really seems to have a winning attitude (and if you hadn't noticed, this lack of winning attitude is what annoys me about England the most, and in a supreme fashion). But, and for the same reason, I don't want him to be captain.

Hands off those Ashes. Flounder away.

This one's for you, Vaughany.


Rob said...

The money seems to be on KP. Not sure it really matters as far as the ashes is concerned, its boys and men at the moment.

Jarpie Saffer said...

KP... hmmmm the Kewl KeeP KP (KKK) club in South Africa are delighted ! For a minute I was like... OK... Strauss for Tests, KP for ODI's and Pattison for 20Twenties... non-pom-mentus whatever KP is non compos mentus...

Jessica said...

Hi Miss Field,

I'm Nightwatchgirl, and I'm new in town. I know we should be enemies on the face of things, given that I am English and all, but I hope we can become friends. I am loving your blog. I have just set up my own, maybe you'd like to check it out... we can start a mutual ashes coutdown. Love Nightwatchgirl

The Atheist said...

I’m loving the conspiracy theories. So, do you think Pattison’s elevation is a Sky-urged effort to create more money during breaks in football coverage?

There seems to be a pattern…

Jarpie Saffer said...

Actually... I think the Pattinson selection was an attempted INTERNATIONALISATION ploy ahead of the India tour... Britain faces fallout for the War in Iraq... so having a Saffer captain (KP), Strauss = Saffer, Pattinson (OZ) and Monty Panesar (Pluto) gives the team a very INTERGALACTIC look ...

Oomby Dave said...

KP will be as effective as a dung beetle landing the Space Shuttle. His style of play wether it be on the field, as a batsman or bowler is one of selfishness. A good and effective capt (Ponting, Waugh, Talyor, Border etc) displays a passion to win with 10 other team mates in mind. England are about to fail big time.

Miss Field said...

Welcome to our little universe Jessica. Have fun! Am definitely up for some Ashes fun, let me know what you reckon. By the way, I don't suppose you're Jessica Taylor?

Yeah The Athiest, what Jarpie Saffer said. Got it?

Well, dear Oomb, you will get to see his failure for yourself in Cardiff! If he's still the captain.

SixSixEight said...

Ah a gal after my own heart!! I have to say I was much heartened on reading this – FB et al seemed to be chocka with the wibbley lipped sobbing along for Vaughny. I have to say I just laughed, [and laughed and laughed], God it’s been a long time a commin.

Shame we are swapping ‘mullet head’ for ‘I’ll keep it short – it keeps me out of worse hair do territory’ man. [We are doomed – Ashes forget it - we cant even get a wicket keeper with hair! And that’s generally the easy bit]

I give KP this – he could [I hope] be gratifyingly moody. That and he is one hell of a lot taller than Punter! Oh yeah….and I know he cannot do anything useful with it but he does have a lot more hair than Ponting too. Actually – I think I could just get into this KP lark if he plays it right?

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