Thursday, October 30, 2008

Running in straight lines

Do the Indians know how to run whilst avoiding objects?

About 3:00 into the video we see the Katich and Gambhir running incident on the 2nd day of Test match cricket in India. Now anyone who knows anything about physics knows that two objects cannot occupy the same space, at the same time. Gambhir obviously needs to go back to school and relearn that he cannot walk, jog or even run through other people at his own will. That would make him some kind of super being and he is definately not that considering he got out.
As the runs continue it makes you wonder if India are attempting to set up Australia a chasing total of around 8 billion runs, and if so, do they expect to win this test match from it.
Only time will tell.

So back to the original question, do the Indians know how to run whilst avoiding objects? No but they know how to run with their elbows out...

Full Tosser

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Better fired than dead

Geoff Lawson has been fired by the Pakistan Cricket Board for not being very good.

Now Pakistan need to find a coach before they play India in January.

And a miracle, if they're going to be expecting to win.

Is it just me or are they a bit pre-emptive? Sure they lost to Sri Lanka in Canada recently, but at least they didn't lose to Canada... or Ireland...

A few months ago a bunch of us applied to coach the BLACKCAPS!!!!!! (hey that's how it's written... nearly), anyone up for this?

If you are - good luck to you, it seems the Pakistanis have higher expectations than the Kiwis!

Adam Gilchrist is still my hero

When I first heard that Adam Gilchrist had been dishing dirt out on the Indians in his new book, my first thought was 'noooo Gilly, don't stir it up'.

But then I thought about it some more.

When Matt Hayden called Harbhajan Singh an obnoxious weed, I said that it was inappropriate for him to make any such comment while he was still playing for Australia.

Adam Gilchrist doesn't play for Australia anymore, quite obviously. And the fact that he didn't make these comments before now again reiterates his character, because I can imagine it was very tempting at times.

I've never had a problem with Sachin Tendulkar, on the contrary I admire him as much as the next person. I also, however, believe Gilly is a man of great integrity, and I don't for one second think he would make things up.

Adam Gilchrist is as about as vindictive as the dolphins at the WA Aquarium that were poisoned a few years ago. And while it re-opens a big can of worms that probably didn't need to be re-opened, why shouldn't he give his side of the story?

After all, everyone else did, just at the wrong time and with all the tact of Prince Philip.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Fight the future!

Yes, this is a call to arms as well as the name of the X-Files movie (mmm... David Duchovny).

Cricket Australia, in conjunction with New Zealand and South Africa, are going to hold a Twenty20 championship and invite international players to compete.


This isn't rugby union people. I'm going to go out on a limb and say NO ONE WILL BE INTERESTED IN OUR OFFERING.

Oh but wait. They're going invite players like Sachin Tendulkar to compete.

"Play in Australia? How much? Wa-ha-ha-ha, bother me not, pleb, I am busy rolling around in my swimming pools of cash. Run along!"

They would be better off initiating a second tournament against England, because that's what draws people in, gets bums on seats and ultimately makes the money.

Plus, the English players would be up for it. They'd do anything for a few minutes of sunshine, poor loves.

Why are we all giving in to Twenty20? Doesn't anyone believe in real cricket anymore?

Twenty20 cricket is not the future. We must fight it.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Bringing emo back

Australian cricket's own Sally Robbins has done it again.

That's right, Shaun Tait has again taken a page from ol Sal's book and made it known he's ready to come back to cricket now. He's all better.

Does anyone else find this a little bit too convenient? The chips are down so it's time to step out of the shadows and save the day. Someone's been watching The Dark Knight on loop, by the sound of it... and missed the ending.

Now, I'm all for giving second chances (except to Sally Robbins. She didn't deserve a second chance.).

And, taking the fella on face value, pleased to hear he has recovered.

And, God knows we need someone who's actually going to take some wickets.

But if he goes back into the side, he has to realise the pressure on him will be far more immense than the pressure that was on him when he buckled underneath it.

Is he up for it? Is he really?

Because I don't believe in going easy on elite sportspeople. If he's there, he gives his pound of flesh or gets dumped.

If he is picked again, but it all gets to be too much for him again, he will never play for Australia again.

And if he's the reason we lose any matches (remember the last Perth Test anyone? Or is it only me, seeing as I was there and have photos of the sunburn to prove it?) people will be a lot less forgiving, and he could forget sympathy.

Maybe he should wait for a bit, so it doesn't just look like he's trying to be a hero. Because then he will most certainly be a candidate for EPIC CRICKET FAILURE.

"I can't remember the last time I felt so happy."

Yes I took the bait

I received an email recently from a lady who has the same name as one of my best friends.

I was hugely confused because the email was all about cricket. And this friend don't like cricket (nor does she love it).

Then I realised it was from someone else, a marketing rep, writing to tell me that Cricket NSW have a new website, inauspiciously named Cocky bastards.

Now, this name is all well and good if you're from NSW, but actually some of us aren't. And the fact that the national team is picked from the NSW players on offer (and one Tasmanian captain, how's that for an outlier?)

And WA have 'bred' our fair share of big names, thanks.

But the site is worth a visit because it has the craziest video gimmick on it. By crazy I mean scary. Cricketers with giant plastic heads. Seriously. I'm not sure who thought it was a good idea but they missed the mark a bit because I couldn't work out who was supposed to be who. I don't think Brett Lee is going to be very impressed with his!

I heard the Tasmanians are trialing something similar for their new website, but theirs will have two heads.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Conspiracy theory

Warriors play well.

Australia plays crap.

Australia calls up key Warriors player(s).

Australia plays well.

Warriors play crap.

New South Wales continues reign.

So fine, take Shaun Marsh. Whatever helps. But I'm onto you.

Screw you, ABC Perth

Over the weekend I was asked to be on a radio show that's broadcast to ABC local radio stations in Darwin and Alice Springs. The programme is called the Hair of the Blog and last week they chatted to an Indian blogger about Harbhajan Singh and racism. You can listen to that here, it's about halfway in. Mr India had some pretty interesting insight on what really happened with Harbhajan Singh last summer...

Anyway, they also quoted a highly articulate passage or two from this humblest of cricket blogs, and had the audacity to label me a 'rabid fan'... and suggest that these pages are littered with profanity. Like, what the fuck?

Stoked to be noticed (I guess they haven't seen Cricket With Balls and well, I wasn't going to say anything, though if you listen there was a little salute to the Caesar Augustus of cricket blogging) I went on the show last weekend, and it was awesome fun, though I didn't get asked for my opinion on racism in cricket, which was kinda disappointing. In case you are wondering what these views might be, take a look here.

BUT, and I am going somewhere here, Michelle, who is the programme's presenter, thinks that cricket is the least sexy of all sports. I know, crazy.

Which made me think, hmmm. How can people not say that in fact cricket is the sexiest of all sports! Those cute cable knit jumpers and the lads who wear them, I could write a book on it!

I would refer Michelle to the following...

Mmm. Very sexy.

While on the other hand these...

...are disgusting!

If you want to hear me on the radio, do so here. At about -50 minutes. Just know this. I don't usually laugh so much.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

On a hat-trick

We're 8/144.

Ground, open up and swallow them.

Tasmania. Full of Tasmanians.

Last week I was critical of Tasmania, for having Queensland at a ridiculously low score and still managing to lose.

Let's just reflect on that again.


Right, but we bowled them out for 187 and then they had us at 4/33. And then Adam Voges and SJ Magoffin (wtf is he? but whoever he is he also bowled 3/31!) went to town and the next fall of wicket was at 5/140.

Did I mention we claimed first innings points for the second consectutive match. Yes, that's right, the tables might finally be turning (and then the good ones will be Baggy Greened and we'll be crap again!)

At stumps on day two, Tasmania, in their second innings, were 1/59.

A thing or two extra to note. Theo Doropoulos made 34 and bowled 1/24.

Luke Ronchi made 40 of 33... that's a strike rate of 121 kids... a score that Michael Vaughan would have made off 250 MAYBE and therefore about eight times the strike rate.

Shhhhh... can you hear that? That's the sound of India calling...

Monday, October 20, 2008


We're a bit shit aren't we?!

Five for 58, that's a score I even give permission to England to laugh at us for. What's going on? And why were Brett and Ricky arguing? Punter didn't let Binga bowl, and why not? We can't crumble from within too!

This is what happens when the likes of Michael Clarke become a senior player! ARGH! "Men" like him are not to be trusted!

Aside from Princess Pup though, it's time to get tough and cut some of the fat.

Matthew Hayden, time to go.

Ricky Ponting... you're next.

I don't like having to bestow this cruelty upon my boys but we need to think of the bigger picture here.

1. Australia + cricket ≠ losing.
2. The Ashes.

I've always had faith and we've turned some pretty rough situations around before. Obviously that won't be the case here, but there is a lesson to be learnt. Complacency kills. As does alliteration, on occasion. As well as assonance.

I don't mind us losing when we're clearly doing our best. But this... to my eyes we're playing carelessly and I don't like it.

Buck up, lads. You're embarrassing us.

It's five for a hundred-and-something now. Gee. I feel so much better.

Not to add insult to injury or anything (much), but you'll notice I've added Amit Mishra to my list of claimed players.

Positive thinking

No one would have believed, that in the last few decades, that Australian Cricket was being watched from the over populated subcontinent.
No one could have dreamed that we were being scrutinised, like Tony Grieg hunched over a dry wicket, with a key in the pitch.
Few men even considered talented life in that other ‘world’, and yet from across the Indian Ocean, minds incredibly different to ours regarded our success with envious eyes, and slowly, and surely, they drew their plans against us…

…the crowds wailing took possession of me. I was intensely weary, footsore, hungry and thirsty. Why was I fielding alone in this city of the punjab? Why was I alive, when Aussie pride was lying in state in its black shroud? I felt intolerably lonely, drifting from over to wicketless over, drawn inexorablytowards Ponting’s cry. I saw, over the stumps, the Little Master from whichthe roaring crowds cheered. I crossed towards second slip. There stood a Laxman, upright, but as still as his partner.

Abruptly, the sound ceased.

Suddenly, the desolation, the solitude, became unendurable. While the chants sounded, India still seemed alive. Now suddenly, there was a change, the passing of something - and all that remained was thisgaunt quiet. I looked up and saw that obnoxious weed in the stands, he was erect and motionless, like the others. An insane resolve possessed me I would give my best to Australia Here and Now.
I marched recklessly towards our captain and saw that a multitude of dark expressions were on his face under his Baggy Green.

I began debating my bowling with him. I felt no fear, only a wild, trembling exultation, as I ran down towards the stumps towards the motionless Master. Out of my hands came the red ball, at which the hungry run machine now watched and swung…I scrambled to my left and took the catch the first wickets of many, Dhoni’s camp took a double hat-trick beating. A mighty silence came forth, and scattered about it, in their overturned smiles, were the Indian crowds - soundless... defeated, after all BCCI devices had failed, by the humblest things in Australia, Spirit. Good ole’, digger, Spirit!Directly when the tourists arrived and played and started losing, our microscopic allies kicked in. From that moment - they were doomed!The tournament was ended. The people scattered over the country, desperate, hero less, starving for a win... the thousands who had come to see - including the one most dear to me - all would believe. The pulse of life Down Under growing stronger and stronger, would beat again. As life returns to normal, the question of another attack from India causes universal concern. Is our country safe? Or is this time of peace merely a reprieve? It may be that, across the immensity of the Ocean, they have learned their lessons and even now await their opportunity. Perhaps the future belongs not to us - but to the Indians...

From Full Tosser

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Warriors huzah

Let's have a little look at how the start of the Australian domestic season is going. Read: Take that New South Wales!

Oh, what's that? Western Australia defeated New South Wales by eight wickets? AND first innings points? Goodness we are off to a fine start. Emphatic, did I hear you say? Indeed.

Bowling a grand total of six overs, 0/17, scoring a duck and 2 respectively, as well as being injured, would be enough to condemn any non-NSW player to the depths of ... hell. Beau Casson, on the other hand, is probably en route to India as I write.

Really, it was all thanks to Luke Pomersbach, who scored 78 off 74 in the second innings, and Shaun Marsh, who was 74 not out.

Until the name change in the late 90s, WA didn't do too badly in the Sheffield Shield for a few years. Let's hope this good start is a sign of things to come. And by 'let's' I know I'm talking about me and only me.

This weekend - WA vs Tasmania. I'm there.

The Warriors are on the march... one match at a time.

Monday, October 13, 2008

BCCI - still evil

Did you know that Reuters can get a reporter anywhere in the world, with the exception of the two poles, within eight hours. I thought that was quite impressive when I first heard it, and that was a few years ago now.

In a particularly confusing news story, the very same organisation were last week said to be both boycotting and working towards an agreement for their coverage of the Australia-India series with the Almighty BCCI.

The Almighty BCCI really are a bunch of lamoes. Or is it lamos? Either way, they're lame and annoying and should stop being so precious about the conditions they put on news agencies sharing photos and coverage with the great unwashed.

But Reuters have now resumed their coverage. There was a statement.

"We are grateful to the BCCI for taking such a fair and reasonable approach in this matter and are delighted to be able to resume coverage of the current series in India," Christoph Pleitgen, global head of news agency for Thomson Reuters, said.

Using Altavista's Babelfish, my contact within the organisation and my innate journalistic skills, I translated it thus: "The BCCI are a bunch of corrupt, supercilious wankers. But we all knew that. They probably didn't want us covering the series in case one of our journalists exposes the true extent of their corruption. Reuters will not be denied. Fuckers. We'll get 'em."

Did I mention I got a cease and desist letter from them over some image I used months ago? Haha.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Queenslanders, funny buggers

Let's have a look at how the early wickets fell in Queenland's second innings against Tassie.

1-8 , 2-9, 3-13, 4-14, 5-14, 6-16, 7-22, 8-34.

They were all out for 62. Tasmania needed 193 to win, but in the end they were 48 runs short and Queensland won the match.

To me this says more about Tasmania's ineffectuality than Queensland's ability, even if Queensland did have Andrew Symonds playing. It's good to see Roy playing at state level. It was so depressing to hear he was playing at club level a week or so back. And SO wrong. And, you know, imagine being the poor bastard who had to face him, batting or bowling. I'd have run for the hills.

If someone could tell me what Tasmania is good at... or for, please go ahead!

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

It's Miss Field, bitch

Ok ok so my comeback was worse that Britney's MTV effort, apparently. But in case you wondered -- I fell. Through fire. And water. From the lowest dungeon to the highest peak. Until at last, I threw down my enemy and some his ruin upon the mountainside. Darkness took me, and I strayed out of thought and time. Stars wheeled overhead, and every day was as long as the life age of the earth. But it was not the end, I felt light in me again.

I've been sent back until my task is done.

And if you've emailed me or requested anything in the last few weeks, I know there have been a couple, link swaps and all, please re-request. I didn't mean to forget but I did.

September was a shit month for cricket. But who'd have thought it would take an email from New Zealand Cricket to get me motivated. Especially one that looks like this.

I mean please, who's going to take that seriously? Nonetheless, is back too. Contain that excitement, at once! I bet Dan Vettori was thrilled that they used that photo. In fact, with such exciting CAPITALISATION, you'd think they'd have an EXCLAMATION MARK. Oh, wait...

In an in-depth analysis of this new look with a friend from across the ditch, it was suggested that maybe New Zealand Cricket are trying to make him seem a little bit, well, tougher.

I'm not convinced. I think he looks more like he won $200 on Deal or No Deal than got Ricky Ponting out for a golden duck.

ANYWAY, cricket.

Australia in India. Look. We're gonna lose.

But the thing is, the most important thing of all, is not until next year. We can lose all the matches between now and then - though I'd prefer we didn't - and if it meant we retain the Ashes five-nil, it would be well worth it.

However, my goodness India shit me off. There's Ganguly ranting about how they'll clean sweep the series for sure (prove me wrong boys, I beseech thee).

There's some other prick accusing us of cheating. Sehwag. How dare he. What's that expression about stones and glass houses... or kettles and black pots. Eh? EH? Like we lower our standards to your standards.

Then there's Kumble pressing his hands over his ears and pretending he can't hear, instead of leading from the front and saying "OY VIRENDER, AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL THE MATCH HAS STARTED." Or maybe he's just a little embarassed to hear his own comments echoed months down the track, mmm?

Did I mention I'm going to India in November?

And they "dropped" Andrew Symonds, yeah very likely. I think "attitude problem" might be code for "protect him from deranged Indians", which I'm all for. Anyway it's worked out quite well really, he's had a fishing lure named after him. Seriously, what more could he want from life?

Finally, let's hope someone has had the foresight to tape Harbhajan Singh's mouth shut.

It's not the Ashes. But damn it would be good to kick butt.

Oh. And if you're an Irish engineer who's a 'follower' of this page, can I have your number?