Wednesday, April 30, 2008

I heart test cricket

Records are being smashed daily over in India, or so I hear.

But I don't watch it. I have actually lost interest.

It is on very late here, but it's more than that. It's just not interesting.

Twenty20 cricket is fun to watch on a summer afternoon down at the WACA (providing of course you have decent seats and aren't near a bogan hell-bent on making you ashamed to be the nationality you are).

Other than that it's not engaging like test cricket. I love test cricket... test cricket don't die!

It was great having some of the real stuff on the other night. It was like going home after a holiday. Sure the holiday was good, you looked forward to it and for the first few days at least it was novel, but there's nothing quite like home.

Not that I know how that match has progressed, but still.

Anyhoo, back in January I ordered an autographed first edition copy of an 'autobiography' of a certain cricketer. Being the scabby wench I am, I requested surface mail shipping, and after 14 weeks I resigned myself that either the ship had docked on the sub-continent and the package had been opened by an Indian fan and I'd never see it, or that it was lost in a dark corner of some cargo ship and I'll see it when I'm 45.

But today it got here!

Yaaaaay!!!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

And to whoever searched...

"graeme smith girlfriend" to you I say two things.

It's nice to know I'm not the only person out there interested in the job, and

Use Google. Yahoo is so 1990s.

Harbhajan Singh slapped Sreesanth. Or did he?

Oooh aaah Malcolm Speed was given his marching orders.

Interestingly enough, I too am in the market for a new job.

Maybe it's a sign? Maybe I should start a Jrod-style petition to be the next ICC Chief Executive? The big question is, do I have more chance of that than Jrod does of his lovely-but-Aussie blog getting into Wisden? Time will tell.

It's all a bit vague about why though. They're not happy with his handling of 'the Zimbabwe situation' and his comments about the ICL.

To my mind it's a bit like... "Hey everyone, look over there at that big shiny gold, purpose-built distraction while we get rid of this person."

I bet this is India's doing. They started the pushing and now the Zimbabwe thing is just an excuse. And a poor one, why the hell is the ICC covering up corruption in Zimbabwe? I refer to the Full Tosser's post from a few days ago.

Anyway. Did anyone else see Sreesanth cry? IT WAS FUNNY! And one of his man-friends gave him a hug, which was brave, because if I was hugging a distressed Sreesanth I'd half expect him to suddenly go rabid. It's because mum, well see I didn't do nothing, it was his fault, he hit me, in my face, and and and all I did was say 'hard luck' because they lost, that's all, honest!

The thing is, which clown to believe?! As the more astute of you may have come to realise, I really don't like Harbhajan Singh, so I'm more inclined to believe the slightly more credible, albeit manic, Sreesanth.

It's nice to see in-fighting among the Indians (justifies a few things, to my mind at least), and the Australians doing so well.

Carn Kolkata!

EDIT: The highly-evolved Atheist has the video. Watch and laugh.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

Shane Watson does something

As if I ever have holidays.

Woe.

If you haven't seen the video of Shane Watson's bat breaking, check it out. Apparently Brett Lee was involved. Filthy.



I can't make out which brand it is... must be an English one. Shoddy I tell you. I bet the management of whichever company it was cringed when they saw that footage.

I think maybe cricinfo Australia are having a slow news day... I can't think of anything else that could have prompted the headline "Australia too small to host premier league".

Thank you for pointing that out to us.

Australia are going to tour Pakistan twice in two years. Apparently. April '09 and August '10. I guess we committed to two so that when we change our mind about the first one we can say "but lucky we'd planned to come across next year, aren't we brilliant?!"

Anyway, to this news I say... let's go! Miss Field's Extreme Cricket Tours. $4,000,000 will buy your return airfare, 3.5 nights accommodation, one meal, and the opportunity to wave at Andrew Symonds. Bargain in anyone's book.

Also, some ranga made a century against some hokey county team, to which I say.... Chris who?

And here is Ricky Ponting.
Smooth.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Guest blog: Where's Zimbabwe?

A blog by the Full Tosser:

With Miss Field on holidays, sipping Pina Coladas and humming that great 10CC tune, it is left up to me to keep this end up.

Being relatively new to the cricket blogosphere and the fact that every cricket and his ball is talking mostly about the IPL, I would like to turn our attention to the state of Zimbabwean Cricket.

Did you know that Mugabe is a patron of Zimbabwe Cricket!?!
My point is unfortunately made...

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Claimed by me

I need to establish a list of my cricketers.

By mine, I mean the ones I've claimed. The claiming system has been going on for so long now, and with such intricate rules, that I think it's a good idea to start recording it before half of them retire and I forget.

Just in case you wondered.

And yeah yeah, Graeme Smith. Don't ask.

I'm not going fangirl, but it must be done.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Toss under spotlights

Let's do it!

It's here, the moment is upon us. I stayed up rather late to watch it because we we didn't get a live broadcast (bastards).

Actually to be honest I just wanted to see Punter and D Huss. Once an Aussie always an Aussie. And I was dead thrilled that Punter doubled Ganguly's score.

Kiwis, I hope you're suitably proud of your Brendon. Personally I would like to give him a hug, a warm, special hug. You know the sort. He's pretty damn cool. I think I'll have to claim him.

So far, I've only seen the uniforms of these two teams, but bloody hell, did I pick the team with the gaudiest outfit. It's typical I tell you. They couldn't just have a gold strip on their shirt (and and it's not nice gold, it's that 80s gold adored by one hit wonders from that era), no no, the gaudy gold pads, gloves, elbow guards, helmet... saints preserve us. I suppose the outfits were designed by the same clever person who thought Knight Riders was an appropriate name.

The Indians are the (super) kings of telephone marketing. Surely some sort of survey was conducted about outfits? They must have only rung people in India, cos I certainly didn't get a call, and I can't imagine any Aussie/Kiwi/Pom recommending gaudy gold.

Damn Do Not Call Register. I blame Howard.

I kept cracking up as I imagined Ponting, Hussey and McCullum all seeing their new uniforms for the first time and the looks on their faces.

I'm a bit shitted that the IPL fellas are being so precious about their pics. I feel that here would be an appropriate place for a picture in Ricky Ponting dressed in the cricketing equivalent of drag?

It will teach me for throwing my support behind a team before finding out vital info.

Thanks, India. Supposing I wanted to buy the shirt? Now the question is, should I ditch the team and go with the Deccan Chargers? Well, I'll wait and see what they wear. I think the only way they can outdo the Knight Riders is if they turn up dressed like this trend-setter (don't vomit on your keyboard)...

Yeah. Nah.

Is that dude with the sexy pants/mo/quiff (you know who I mean) the guy that owns the team that was prancing around everytime my Brendon hit a six? Or does he own a different team?

Player interaction gets me. Do they players care about anything other than their own performance? Do they laugh and joke and have light moments, or is it nod in acknowledgment and then let's just get on with it? Especially in light of the recent Indian tour of Australia, I just can't see them all sitting around singing Kumbayah. Or however it's spelt. Did Ricky Ponting laugh to himself when Ganguly was out? I wonder.

Oh yeah, Kolkata won.

Friday, April 11, 2008

The life and times of Graeme Smith

For anyone who cares, Shane Warne drove his Mercedes (see previous post) into a tram in Melbourne. Here is the "Channel 9 Exclusive" which was taken from a peeping tom's window. It's worth a look just to hear the guy say "It's Shane Warne!"

Also. Here is one funny photo of Neil McKenzie.
Well it made me laugh, anyway.

Let us see, India conveniently rounded off the day's play with a wicket, which ended South Africa's innings on 265. Graeme's boys started well enough, and were at one point 152/1, but collapsed and lost 9 wickets for 113, which is very crappy.

Does anyone else find it mildly amusing that Graeme Smith was out on 69, considering the poor lad can't get a girlfriend?

For a comprehensive update go here (although there's a pretty good chance you meandered over from there).

If India win the series will be drawn. So... carn South Africa!

Finally, and on an unrelated note, I'd just like to point out that this week the French did something that the English couldn't, although I praise their efforts.

Another reason Michael Clarke shits me

I'm annoyed, and there's a cricket link to the subject of my anger, so damn it, here it is.

Lara Bingle's engagement ring apparently cost $200,000. This is just not cricket.

When I first heard that I thought I would quite like a $200,000 engagement ring myself. But then I realised I'd probably be quite angry if someone proposing to me thought that, in the great scheme of things, I was worth that much. No one is.

30,000 children die every day in the world from preventable causes.

Let's put this into perspective, assuming he actually did spend that sort of sum.

He could have sponsored 388 children for a year.

Or, he could have purchased 77 rainwater tanks for irrigation in Ecuador.

Or, he could have supported environmental protection and sustainable agricultural development for poor communities on three continents.

Or, he could have provided immunisations that we all take for granted to 7407 children in Sudan.

Or, he could have
purchased 14,814 mosquito nets to help prevent malaria, a disease that kills 3,000 children below the age of five every day.

Here's the cracker... he could have paid for the purchase and construction of 1,400 homes for war widows and their children in the Congo. 1,400 homes!

There are thousands of ways this money would have been better spent.

Does it mean he loves her more? Does it means their marriage will be more happy? No. All it means is that Michael Clarke earns too much money and maybe a visit to Udayan is in order for him, next time he's in India. Steve Waugh is a great supporter of Udayan, I'm sure he would show him around.

The people who have nothing have no voice, and I believe those people in the worldwide community who are in the position to be heard, such as Michael Clarke, do have a responsibility to do their bit for the global village, whether it's on a national or international level.

Not for the kudos, but because people will listen to him, and although the difference may only be small, it would still make a difference to someone, somewhere.

If this example of shallow, self-serving behaviour becomes a pattern among our cricketers, I'm off to New Zealand.

Festy. Lads, is she actually attractive? Or is it only because she looks good in bathers? Not that it's really relevant of course, I'm sure it was her intellect, wit and sparkling personality which was what instantly attracted him.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Chris Rogers is going to hel-

-p Victoria out.

Young Alicia confirmed on the news tonight that the pillock's off to Victoria. I narrow my eyes in his general direction, I tell you.

While I get that he has to do what he can to further his career, I'm not convinced he's taken a step in the right direction, especially as now he's been dropped from ze list of Cricket Australia's centrally-contracted kids.

HAHAHAHA. Better luck next time lad!

On the ABC news page, someone commented this in response:
"So Chris Rogers lost his contract? What did he expect? Had an average summer, got into the Aussie side by default, then blames the WA selectors for limiting his chances of getting back into the Aussie side. BATTING WHERE EXACTLY? No. 9 in the one-day team?
He should've followed the other whingers such as Katich & Casson over to NSW to play soft cricket to bedazzle the eyes of the dopey national selectors.

Good on SOS ("Son of Swampy Marsh"), Shaun Marsh, on receiving his contract. Rogers should learn a thing or two about guts, peserverance & humility from him."

You tell him, sir!

Well, as our talent seems to be jumping ship, I think it's time my brother, Oomby Dave got the call-up. He's a talented all-rounder with a particular flair for middle-order batting and off-spin bowling, who nearly concussed our poor cousin with a stunning beamer not too long ago. It's great that he didn't, my Aunty might have killed him.

Here he is, having just 'tonked' a pom for six.

And here he is getting a feel for his new uniform at a match earlier in the year.

So, on yer bike Chris Rogers. We don't need you anymore. We've got a new Warrior.

Alastair Cook naked

Salutations, and welcome to my blog!

The world of cricket has been alive and well this last week. Except for Chris Rogers, who effectively buried his future when he announced he was leaving WA to go 'elsewhere'.

It was confirmed that next year we will see him in the navy blue as he's going to play for Carlton, I mean, Victoria. More on that later. . .

Over the last few days I've had a bit of correspondence, which has, quite frankly, amazed me. It's nice knowing my readership goes beyond you five, even if it's not much further.

Firstly, a nice fellow sent me the link for a cricket quiz website. It's pretty good Flash I tell you (infinitely better than my attempt at a Flash assignment at uni... heh heh).

I wasn't very good at it because well, it would seem I don't know as much about the lovely game as I flatter myself, but still, you can register for free or just 'play in the nets' and get a feel for it.
You can play here.

Next up, I was alerted to the latest issue of English Cosmopolitan by these chaps. Now Cosmopolitan is not usually a mag I would read, in fact I'd probably rather... do a lot of other things that I'm not at all inclined to do, however this particular edition features a 'charity special' with of course, semi-naked cricketers.

Miss Wicket (?!!) commented that they look gorgeous. Mmm. They look more like pegs to me, but each to their own. You all know how I feel about Stuart Broad and I think Alastair Cook is definitely wearing eyeliner.

At least now I can jump on the bandwagon inspired by the title of this post. Still, yes yes it's all very worthwhile... I just think it could have been done better... using real men, for starters... who said that?

Congrats to AYALAC for being the Wisden Cricketer magazine's second favourite blog. I would just like to say here and now, that if all participants are willing (and if they're not I'll just ask my mate Gilly to step in) I intend to make a cricket blog calendar for 2009.

I will sell it to anyone who wants to buy it (I'm expecing a sell out, naturally) and then donate the profits to a very worthwhile cause. So, step up to the plate lads, and get into Wisden. In fact I know someone who deserves to be in Wisden, you can help him out here.

Finally, I have been admonished (a little) for my poor (read: lack of) mention of the test matches happening between the West Indies and Sri Lanka. As we speak I can hear the highlights of the second test on the TV elsewhere in the house. I will endeavour to rectify this... soon.

Until then... go the Windies!!

Monday, April 7, 2008

Anger, hurt, desertion, it's all here

SO... sooo...

Gather your mates and find the rustiest pitchforks in your neighbourhood...

Chris Rogers is defecting to Victoria.

This is what cricinfo are saying, however a commercial radio station as just announced that although he has said he is deserting the Warriors, he's not yet sure where he's going.

"It's true, I'm a tosser," he said, stopping short of admitting that he is moving to Victoria to be with his people.

I liked this charlie. He has style, potential, he's got a future. I even thought he was cute for imitating Daniel Vettori with his onfield fashion, despite being a ranga, but no.

He takes my support and the support of every West Aussie launches it back at us from a monster-sized trebuchet.

The knives are out now.

Bastard.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

India suck

I was delighted to hear that India crashed and burned against South Africa today.

Would I go so far as to say that it made my day? Yes, yes I would. And to think I was horrified when we were all out for less than one hundred against South Africa... in a one dayer.

Here is a lovely photograph.
The illustrious world of cricket blogging has reacted beautifully.

One called it humiliating carnage.

Someone else suggested yelping like demented puppies was involved.

Ouch!! was another reaction.

One is even hailing it as full blown rape and pillaging and the ultimate epic fail (although he's a Pom, so he would, wouldn't he?)

So it would seem the concensus is that today's cricket in India was a violent and unpleasant affair.

I am not so sure. I think it's a crack up. Thanks, South Africa!

Still, my violent interpretation of day one is thus...

It's like South Africa are at this point (Grond and all)...
While India are still here...
A bit of catching up to do!

Elsewhere, Jrod has given up on Bryce McGain. Poor Bryce is becoming more and more undesirable. Or less and less desirable, depending on how you look at it. Either way, Jrod has burnt him off like a plantarwart.

This re-enactment of Bryce's reaction to the severing of apparently very loyal ties is interpreted here by an Uruk Hai playing the role of Jrod and a small child playing the role of Bryce.
It's a cruel world.

More more more cricket demons

By request here is Matthew Hayden's daemon, Maisie.

If he ate this thing, well, I'd be impressed.
Matt and Maisie like to spend their spare time on muddy embankments, he fishes and she swims. She used to play games with Matt's kids in which she pretended to be the crocodile chasing Captain Hook, until a nasty accident involving weed killer, a shovel and a particularly large fishing hook nearly ended in tragedy.

Steph Broad and Sisinelli are as vain as KP and Tiessa are arrogant. They constantly reassure each other that they are lookin' gorgeous, but it's all a bit pointless because neither of them ever doubted it for a minute. In fact, Sisinelli's paws have never touched the ground. One day, when Steph shaves for the first time, the pair are planning to splash out on a day spa. Their favourite TV shows include America's Next Top Model and Project Runway.

Haha I found that photo of Steph on a page called When Only Hot Will Do. God help us!

Michael and Torin enjoy long walks on the beach and dinners in small restaurants. Torin is unusual as he can travel quite far from Michael. When he wanders off on his own up the sand dunes, Michael can often be heard shouting "where the bloody hell are you?" Torin has, on occasion, been mistaken for Naomi Watts' daemon, Bristan, who is also a wallaby.

More subcontinental bewilderment

Mumbai went to the opposite extreme of Chennai and Bangalore when they named their team the...

Indians. With a name like that, the line "I'm glad you're here to tell us these things" springs to mind. They may as well be called the Mumbai Tautology.

Some of the teams were over-zealous but I can't determine whether this lot were aiming for irony, mockery, helpfulness or unoriginality.

Maybe they were aiming for something else entirely and missed the mark. In this case I would suggest they should be re-named the "Red Indians".

Alternatively, maybe the good folk of Bombay are having an identity crisis. Mumbai. Bombay. Mumbai. Bombay. Mumbai.

Whatever it is, I think Mumbai, like Kolkata, need my help. Five seconds' thinking gave me a better name, and so they shall henceforth be referred to as the Mumbai Dragonflies.
Isn't he a cutie?

Rajasthan Royals... now that's a fine name - although they'd better watch out, Bangalore are challengers, specifically royal challengers. Conspiracy? But at least the name is not insane, nor is it an example of the English rhetoric my Year 11 chemistry teacher thought he was the oracle of.

I wonder if the IPL hype will convert to success.

I'm looking forward to it. Is that so wrong of me?

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

More from the realm of recent happenings

I thought it was hilarious that last night on the news, when Beau Casson was being interviewed (and there was the little caption under on the bottom of the screen"Beau Casson - Australian spinner") and someone asked him how he felt when he got the phone call, he said...

"Spun out."

He's a comedian!

And closet case Michael Clarke was named vice captain, yesterday or the day before or whenever it was. It's amazing to watch this young man jump on his team mates. Here he is, doing just that.
"Hey Lara!"

Given the chance I would do the same thing to Ricky Ponting... in a second, but... you know. Stop it Pup, you're embarrassing yourself.

The selections for this tour have been rather interesting because of who's been excluded. The absence of truck monkey has been pondered elsewhere in the country tonight. It's nice that someone remembers truck monkey. I assumed he was living in a hippie commune somewhere in the proximity of Byron Bay. I'm not sure why, but he could be.

Personally, I'm pretty pleased that our boy Shaun has been picked. He thanked the WA Cricket folk for suspending him after below par behaviour last year, and he said it was a wake up call. How many people would admit that?! What a champ. I know of a swimmer and an Olympic committee who could learn something from this situation.

Don't worry Theo, your time will come.

Anyway, it gets me thinking about who of the current international alumni may have offspring who will be successful cricketers. Probably not Justin Langer.

But more importantly, will Archie Gilchrist make the winning runs in the Ashes test that means we retain them for 26 years running? And will Corey Flintoff, the captain who was destined to work magic, shed tears for the Ashes that were always miles from his reach?

Ricky Ponting and Adam Gilchrist will be watching from somewhere I can't afford, sharing a beer (hopefully not the same one) and reminiscing. And somewhere across the field, Andrew and Rachael will be sitting (not together, no no that ended years ago) watching their boy's soul crumble like bits of wet cake. Andrew will feel guilty because, if it wasn't for him, Corey wouldn't have been under quite so much pressure and wouldn't be enduring this soul destroying moment.

But as he watches, Australia's captain (the youngest in a good long while too) Preston Lee jogs up to Corey and puts his arm around him, and although Andrew's brain may now resemble soup from years of too much alcohol, a memory stirs...
...and he glances across a few rows at his former wife, who understands, and smiles.

Is this the future? Only time will tell, but it's fun to speculate.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

Blog demons

I don't know why this has taken as long as it has, but it's exhausting making stuff up for real people. Because Graeme Smith and co are not actually real, didn't you know? I'm going to bed before I start raving like some mad lunatic.


Suave and Brenyth have their photo with Santa at Christmas every year. They love West End musicals, especially Dirty Dancing, and imitating politicians, especially Mags Thatcher. Occasionally Brenyth will tell Suave that he swears too much on his blog, to which he replies "fuck off, Bren" in a very suave manner. Brenyth adores the Gris.


The next daemon is from Victoria, of a very rare breed, and of course is nocturnal. At first may seem a bit scary but only to pretty poor judges of character. I'm talking of course about Cantabrigian, a leadbeater's possum, the fauna emblem of Victoria and Jrod's daemon. The pair are creative geniuses on the road to global domination.


David Barry and Cyri, a green tree frog. When overseas, David often gets stopped in the streets by people commenting on how beautiful Cyri is. She is possibly the most calm creature on the planet and would need to be, with David often away in a parallel universe that involves calculus and other such horrid things, she's one patient frog. Lately she has taken up sodoku.


Here is Ashrai, the daemon of ©hinaman. Ashrai is peaceful and quite the healer. She is a wanderer. The pair don't say much to each other because they don't need to, they can read each other's thoughts. Quite often they wish they had more jalebies.


Then there's Miriam, who's so cool she doesn't even need a blog to be a blogger. Political parties will be recruiting her for her infiltration techniques, just you wait. Miriam and Sabian are leaders of their world, poised, dignified and talented.


And last but by no means least, Bronte, the coolest badger in Britain. If you've ever wondered who's really behind the viddy-blogs, now you know. Bronte and The Atheist are as loyal to England cricket as Hester and Lee were to Lyra. Bronte knows The Atheist has the best blog in the world, but all she really wants is a herb garden to amuse herself in while he works on the madness.