Monday, September 7, 2009

An awful goodbye

As I'm sure you have all read, the cricket blogging community has lost one of our own.

No words can adequately convey the sadness of this, but I feel I owe it Amy to try.

Amy was such a passionate, entertaining, engaging and knowledgeable blogger. She shared my inexplicable fascination with Saffers, and laid a claim on Albie from the get-go that I didn't even try to argue with (it's listed down the side of this page and will stay there).

She was also, by all accounts, an amazing person. Hey, anyone who works for K Rudd has my ultimate respect.

Amy was a tremendous ally of this blog, particularly when times were tough earlier this year, and for that I will always be grateful. Her enthusiasm was boundless and her blogs were so much fun.

If any family or 'real-life' friend of Amy's ever happens to read this, please know the thoughts of the worldwide cricket blogging community are with you. Cricket has an extraordinary way of uniting people and Amy was part of our family. We have been robbed of a wonderful contributor to our little world; you have been robbed of so much more. I am so, so sorry.

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Good call, Rudi

Rudi: Hmm. How to make this decision, what to dooo... Aha. I know a way that cannot fail... Hey Andrew, did you catch it?
Andrew: Um. Yes.
Rudi: Excellent. Whatsyername, fuck off.
Whatshisname: Wibble. *fucks off*
Ponting: Pssht.
Andrew: Waahaha Punter.
Daniel Vettori: Fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you all!

Well I'm glad they're good at signing miniature bats

Nothing good on TV?

No. I didn't think so.

Here's an ad to watch.

Maybe if certain people in this ad had spent more time practicing their job instead of poncing around in this ad... no no.

Blame Rudi.

Monday, July 13, 2009

One egg, one world, one Bradman

I received a very interesting email today, from a lad called Josh.

It went something like this...

I have started a unique charity called 1egg1world, based in Melbourne, which aim to raise $1million. What makes the charity particularly unusual apart from being run by three chickens (as the light-hearted face of the charity), is the method in which it aims to raise the money. Rather than donations and fundraisers 1egg1world is raising the mon
ey through ‘uptrading.' Starting out with just an egg, this was traded for a Coneheads CD, the CD for a Boggle boardgame and so forth until the current item. Apart from being an interesting story the current item will be of particular interest to your readers - a signed Sir Donald Bradman Bat, professionally framed with photos, statistics and a certificate of authenticity.

I've looked at the three charities they are going to support. Each targets a different, worthwhile area of need. Environment (, poverty ( and indigenous health (EarInfoNet).

Can you help? Do you have something fantastic to trade for this piece of fabulous?
I think this would be a pretty snazzy thing to own, no matter which country you support. Visit the site here.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

The Year of the Jrod

If you visit any blog other than this one you're sure to know that Jrod of Cricket With Balls has published a book that he's compiled from a year's worth of blog posts.

Buy it. Why? Because the truth is, Jrod is headed for world domination. Don't be fooled by the format, this is blogland's own Jrod, who's well on his way to ensconcing himself in the world of English cricket journalism. He's also linking cricket with fundraising for Everyman, the UK charity for prostate cancer. He's done radio interviews (though not before me, I've got that one over him) and it won't be long before Today Tonight are sending a camera crew to England to get a piece of him. He has even stolen the heart of an English lass - that's right, he's infiltrated enemy lines. In fact I'd go so far as to say that this guy can win the Ashes for us just on his own spin.

Not convinced? Well sure, you can choose to pretend this dude isn't the future of cricket comment, but you'd be wrong. Alternatively, you can jump on the Cricket With Balls bandwagon and, one day soon, be telling your friends and workmates that you possess a first edition copy of Jrod's first book.

I've read the book. There's a shitload of reading there, and it's awfully entertaining. And, cricket aside, you can see how Jrod's writing style evolved over the course of the book and the year in which it was written.

So go here and help buy Jrod some dinner - it's a long way to the top, on his way though he is (it's not like he hasn't been mistaken for a homeless person before). At $20 (including postage) it would be un-Australian not to, and is just the treat for a shitty winter's evening in.

OR you can win one of two signed copies right here. To enter just send an email to with an appropriate reference in the subject line. Please include your name and country of residence. Your chances of winning will be improved if you can somehow prove that you've already purchased a copy of your own.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Live blog wheeeeeeeee!!!

Fuck this, I'm going to watch the game and drink Baileys. Bye!!!

These posts are getting shorter....

32.2. High.... gone for six. This is depressing.

32.1 Straight to keeper, mistimed, was expect it to spin but it didn't.

Bowling change. Hauritz in. Carn Nate.

31.6 AB dances like a girl to get a 4.

31.5 Gibbs paddles it around his body for a single.

31.4 Gibbs gets a full toss and thats six. :( is the only face I got on at the moment ...

31.3 Gibbs pushes down to the mid off boundary for 2.

31.2 Clarke to AB as he defends as it hits him on the pads, Haddin fields and goes for the stumps as he misses. No chance in the end.

31.1 Can they kill the band this is Hobo hearing their tromboning...

Clarke still in as the run rate is still a bit too high as wthe SA run total gets into the Warne IQ as AB digs it for a few.

30.6 Sexy to sexy, one run. Shut up, band. 151-2.

Punter is smiling. Why is this?

30.5 Yorker to AB on off stump, digs it out and back to Mitch. No run.

30.4 Gibbs on the front foot but it goes to mid on. The overs are flying by. Or are they?

30.3 To Gibbs, cut back to the bowleer. South Africa make 150.

30.2 Sexy Mitch to slightly less sexy AB, Mitch chases and fields it.

SA on track for 300.

30.1 AB to mid off. Fielded well. Only one run. One run too many!

Gibbs and AB STILL in. Ugh.

29.6 AB pulls it and takes a single to retain the strike.

29.5 Down to Nathan Bracken down to point one run.

29.4 Defended from Gibbs and is looking good here...

29.3 Back to the bowler no run.

29.2 Gibbs plonks it up trying to sweep. noob.

29.1 Mitch is looking better here as Clarke continues.

Clarke to Gibbs as he plonks it up.

28.6 carn mitchymoo..... swing and a miss. short ball from mitch.

28.5 another bottom edge to johnson. nearly takes the stumps off. almost 142kmh. no run.

28.4 to point. no run.

28.3 hit the bottom of the bat straight to johnson, would have gone for four if hit better.

28.2 Straight through to the keeper.

28.1 Mitch back in the attack. not the best eonomy. 4 overs for 21 runs. to AB, bouncing just above off stump. defended and no run.

Not sure about Clarke being protological son... more like closet case with expensive handbag.

27.6 Clarke finishes on a DOTT ball:)

27.5 AB leaves it to play late as he watchies the spin for a sinngle.

27.4 as Gibbs comes across the line for a single. Its chugging along toooooo much.

27.3 Clarke to AB now as he defend for a single. Paying him some R_E_S_P_E_C_T.

27.2 Gibbs paddles down leg for a single.

27.1 This is running away from Australia like Usain Bolt on a good day here... Clarke the Prodological son comes in to bowl.

Clarke to Gibbs as he defends back to the bowler.

26.6 Defended down leg side for a single, just past the umpire. Good over. It must be said, Hauritz bowls a bit girly.

26.5 AB to deep square leg, again no run.

26.4 AB down leg side. No run.

AB 27 from 24 balls. Ugh.

26.3 AB spanks Hauritz for 6. Feck and boohoo.

26.2 Gibbs paddles down leg side for 1.........runs are drying up

26.1 Hauitz to Gibn leg side - no run

25.6 Hopes in for his last ball as its pushed through to point and no run taken.

25.5 Gibbs to Midd off and takes a single, what are they singing in the crowds. Boo to them.

25.4 as AB straigh drive into the air and no catch. Im sensing a wicket here!

25.3 Hopes onto leg side as AB takes a single 129 for 2 and were about half way through the innings.

25.2 Hopes in now as AB hits it back to him, Hopes stops, drops and rolls what was he doing...?

25.1 AB doing not very much. This is looking to be SA game, fark!

25.6 Nope. Same again. For a single. Over.

25.5 Again....

24.4 And again....

24.3 Again. Hit it somewhere else!

24.2 Again, no run, nothing much. Yawny. Front foot, down square leg.

24.1 Hauritz bowls to AB who cuts it down to cover

23.6 Gibbs on strike as he does a french cut near his stumps, 2 runs taken, cheeky bastards.

24.5 120-2 as Gibbs mistimes it as it goes down leg to Haddin.

23.4 Pulled for another few comeon Hopes!

23.3 Pulled along the ground down his body for a few

23.2 And anohter single from Gibbs

23.1 Close to you......

Hopes gets tonked for a few.

22.6 Played across the line to take it from off to on. Single. Overrrrrrrr.

22.5 Tried to paddle, keeper and bowler go for LBW, not given, is it 4, is it leg byes, huh? Huh? Gone to mic... may go to referral... two leg byes.

22.4 Missed that. NOthing interesting. Lalala.

22.3 Again no run.

22.2 No run. Back to the bowlers. Had catching potential.

22.1 Hauritz to AB, who dances down the pitch hits to deep mid on. One run.

Ponting and Hauritz are having a chat. He's only had luck in Durban. Cape Town ugh.

A very fine point about G Smith's pulling there.

21.6 Hopes bleeds some more runs. Oh well next over to Miss Field who is lucky enough to call the next few wickets :)

21.5 AB takes another boring single, cmon guys 6's or wickets!

21.4 Gibbs defends back to the bowler down towads mid on for a single.

21.3 AB pulls it around his body for a single, he is so much more better at pulling than G. Smith:P

21.2 Gibbs on 49 here as the crowd goes silent and there it is, sucess for da baldy head man as he takes a sinlge on leg side. Now get out you bastard.

21.1 Ive been thinkin about Brett Lee, gonna get a wicket... Gonna get a wicket...

Full Tosser here as Hopes comes back into the attack. Bracken is bleeding runs, need a Hatrick here as Hopes comes to AB as he takes a cheeky sinlge to put 49 man on stricke.

20.6 Bracks to AB, thought he was going to break into song, but isntead on the back foot, drive to cover. One run. Over to the tosser.

20.5 Bracks over the wicket, Ab defends, no run. Good speed. 129kmh.

20.4 Bracks to Gibbs, a second slip would have been gone as the ball goes to third man for a single.

20.3 AB mistimes, no run.

20.2 Bracken to AB, lovely shot, pierced the field and gone for 4. The crowd's stoked.

20.1 Gibbs dances down the pitch, couple of runs, saved from 4.

Getting kinda bored. Can't watch when blogging. Wish this was T20.

19.6 Harwood to AB down leg side as it's paddled down for one run as AB retains the strike.

19.5 Harwood to AB as he clobbers it in the form of a cut shot to point. No run.

19.4 Gibbs now gets a full toss and he strickes it back to the bowler who cannot cut it of as mid off comes around to field, and he comes to 49.

19.3 Gibbs on strike on 48 as he doesnt pick up the slower ball as Harwood makes it bounce through to Haddin, well done mate.

19.2 Onto the front foot by Gibbs who takes two runs. Good hit I must admit... now WICKET!

19.1 Balckwoods for all you workplace needs!:P

Harwood into AB as he takes it down leg for a single. I wonder if AB's younger brother is CD and the Younger than that sister is EF...?

Mitch is back with Blackwoods. Oh Mitch.

18.6 On mid stump, defended to point. AB settling in. Boo to that.

18.5 Again, no run.

18.4 Sorry, make that AB. Straight to Clarke. One run.

18.3 Guided down to third man. One run. Gibbs on strike.

18.2 Same again, brought down by Hauritz and almost run out.... but not. If Hauritz's been quicker...

18.1 Or not... Bracken to AB, guided mid on, no run.

Here's my other man, young AB. Hello Abraham. Gonna get you for a duck. Oh yes.

Are we back in business? I hope so...

Hooray for Harwood. Is he related to Gwen? Unlikely! Hooray for Ferguson, a very handy young man. I think I'll claim them both.

17.7 Harwood to Kallis as he cuts fine and its gone! Wicket Ferguson takes a catch, good wicket as Kallis poo poos it again. GO Aussie!

17.6 Harwood to Gibbs who controls it to point, one run.

17.5 Gibbs looking interesting as a bald man, never seen him with hair... no run.

17.4 Harwood to Kallis as he hits him on the gloves, no real threat as they scamper through like rats for a single.

17.3 Ah I can see alchhol affecting me writing wheeeee. Another dot ball:)

17.2 SA are attacking our good bowlers as the ball is missed by the bat and through to Haddin. Good bowling for the old fella here.

17.1 Apparently thi pitch isn't very mosit but a bit on the dry sad, thats no fun! Harwood now as Gibbs pushes for a single onto the off side.

16.6 Straight forward defensive stroke to short extra cover, and yup, it's over.

Wicket time! Or not...

16.5 Again to Kallis, tucked it fine for 4.

16.4 Kallis clubs the ball into the crowd. Club = appropriate terminology.

16.3 . Misfield!! By Hauriz. Probably shouldn't celebrate that. No run.

Bracken Bracken he's our man... if he can't do it...... well let's face it, Mitchell Johnson probably can.

16.2 Again, paddles around but saved from being a four.

16.1 Bracken to Gibbs (I think?) No run.

How will it go from here? Spiral out of control I imagine? Will we win? Umm.

Now that I have a drink, I'm sure to make fewer msitakes. Ha!

Drinks break! Which I have taken advantage of, here with my Baileys... mm... smooth. I must say, great to hear a female commentator, she obviously knows her stuff too. I've observed with the commenators during the SA visit that generally they have less to say than the Aussies. Not necessarily a bad thing.

15.6 Harwood to Gibbs and... its.... played to third man who takes a single. and after 16 overs it 70 for 1 loss. Aussies are bring it back but they need to do that by getting wickets, not by slowing the run rate.

Drinks and im gonna get slightly more pissed:)

15.5 Gibbs defends off the backfoot as it runs to point. No run. Well done Harwood. Playing a god role here.

15.4 Harwood to Gibbs as he bottom edges it, it bounces a few timesbefore Haddin takes it and he celebrates.... something... maybe catching it...?

15.3 Kallis plays down past 2nd slip for a single and runs it down to 3rd man.

15.2 Kallis on strike as he swings and misses again, Harwood mixing it up here. DJ Harwood is rockin the the Port!

15.1 And i Noticed the band shut up whilst Miss Field was blogging didn't play its a conspiracy!!! Runs have not really dried up but slowed down. Goodo.

Harwood to Gibbs as he cuts for a single off the backfoot.

14.6 Hopes to Kallis, no run. 1 for 67.

14.5 Again to Kallies, hit off, again no run.

14.4 Hopes to Kallis, no run as one of the players exudes a loud FUCK! discernible to all.

14.3 The band can only be annoying the players.... imagine sitting near them. You'd want to them to shove their....Another swing and a miss as they scamper through for a cheeky single

14.2 Hopes to Gibbs. Mistimed, no run. The Aussies are itching for another wicket here.

14.1 Hopes to Kallis, defended to gully. One run.

Missy back, promise not to miss any balls this over.... doot doot doot...

13.6 Harwood charges in as Gibbs ducks. Chicken shit!

13.5 Harwood to Kallis who listens to that god awful noise byt the band in the staduim, who decided that!?! One pommy one is enough grrr Cut for a run.

13.4 Harwood wafts it down off and its struck to point for nothing.

13.3 Kallis swings down off side and misses through to Haddin.

13.2 Gibbs takes it down leg side with a tap and takes a single.

Were up to Smith's IQ in SA runs of 64.

13.1 Full tosser here as Harwood comes into Gibbs who again clubs the ball, this guy should be in baseball. Esp with his head shaved :P

12.5 Straight down the ground, one run.

12.4 Paddled onto leg. Boring.

12.3 Dances down the pitch, guides it down mid off for four. ALMOST caught. Carn laddies, get that wicket.

Close up of Ponting and his mullet.

12.2 Edged to first slip where there wasn't one, for one run. Cameron White is playing. Any fans out there?

12.1 Hopes to Gibbs (ideal wicket in my opinion), bit of a delay with the sightscreen, ok now he's happy, Hopes to Gibbs, direct onto the stumps, pulled, shouldn't have been, mistimed the ball as it bounced over his wicket... agaaaain. Almost a wicket. Do iiiit!!

K well.... another wicket or two would be well timed about now~

11.7 Harwood not look as good, now damn, Kallis defends o the front foot to short extra cover. Good pace by Harwood, needs a rocket ball into his stumps. Carn Aussie!

11.6 Harwood good of a length pulled to make 3 runs. Saffas chugging along here.

11.5 Harwood into Gibbs as he sticks his bat up as the ball goes over his head. Wide given. Damn umps being paid by the Saffas.

11.4 Harwood is looking good here direct onto the stumps but Kallis takes it down leg side. and thats the 50 up. boooooo.

11.3 Field change now Ponting works something, hopfully magic as Gibbs clubs it down the ground for 1 run. Gibbs wanted two :)

11.2 Harwood to Kallis directs it to 3rd slip and takes a run as there is no thrid slip. What is ponting doing?!> not sitting in 3rd slip.

11.1 This is getting interesting, runs and wickets, who will get the upper edge? Australia of course, Kallis on 1 and Gibbs on lots :( Harwood to Kallis who shoulders arms and watches it go down off side.

10.6 Kallis walks across his stumps, fielded, overthrows, stumps flying, one run.... quite exciting.... but no wicket....

10.5 Defended to short extra cover. No running or anything.

10.4 Hopes to Kallis, defended to point.

10.3. TImes two. C'mon Jaques... do something....

10.2 Ball left, straight through to the keeper.

Smith trudges off lookin sooky. Here comes the other chunker, Mr Kallis.

Yes Amy, he is truly not very important.

10.1 SMIITTTHY byebye! Hopes to Smith, caught Hadin. Goodbye my love!! WAHAHaaaaaa.

Bowling powerplay being taken which means field restrictions. This could be baaaaad.

Put the wrong score up before now, 46-0.

Thanks for the comment - knew you could!

9.6 Harwood to Gibbs as he cuts it fine, well controlled. 49 with no loss and Over to Miss Field:)

9.5 Harwood to Gibbs and its wide as they take no run.

9.4 Harwood says North on the back oh dear, into Gibbs who defends back to the bowler, THey arent taking him on like the did McGain. Goody!

9.3 Harwood from Vic to Gibbs who stuffs up, TYPICAL! no run.

9.2 Harwood to Smith who cuts fine and picks up a single. Good bowling thus far.

9.1 Hopes brings no luck the last over. Harwood the new guy into the attack. Right arm over fast Smith defends back to Mid on. Looks pretty dedicated.

Kudos to Micheal for getting me a drink.

8.6 Edged to deep third slip. Over to the Full Tosser.

0-49. Boo. How'd they add up so quick?

8.5 Gibbs pulled hard for 4. Yuck, on so many levels.

8.4 Ran down the pitch, mistimed the ball and looked all like a small kid smacking at a butterfly. Clumsy.

8.3 Again no run.

8.2 To Gibbs, big swing, no run.

Graeme Smith... cutting fine since 1981.

8.1 Hopes to noe one as he changed his mind.... run up mk 2... Hopes to Smithy, cut fine, one run, still boring.

woo bowling changes. James Hopes, carn laddie you can do it. get us a wicket or ten.

7.6 Johnson to Gibbs, cut and great fielding by Clarke, but we need a wicket!

7.5 Johnson, the handsome man to Gibbs, left alone. Like him at school.

7.4 Johnson to smith and he cuts it down near his stumps. Maybe this needs a bowling change...?

7.3 Johnson wider and its almost feilded but didn't... Another 4. This is beginning to suck.

7.2 Johnson direct on off stump, smith defending down the ground.

7.1 An average of just over 4 so far from SA. Johnson to smith and thats four, straight drive. THe crowd goes wild.

6.6 WICKET NOW PLEASE!!! Bracks to Gibbs, onto the backfoot, defended down to deep square leg. Picks up two runs. Ovuh!

6.5 Almost a full toss wide of the stumps, defended to short extra cover.

6.4 Inside edge to his pads. Still no run though he looked like he was in pain for a second. I'll take that.

6.3Again Bracks to Gibbs, went v high and went for six, but only got as far as a four. Suffer in yer jocks.

6.2 Try again ..... now he's defending on the front foot.

6.1 wicket this over pleeease. Bracken to Gibbs for 4. The south africans are pleased. enjoy it while it lasts... i say with false confidence.

5.6 Johnson looking good here Wide doen the off stump and a swing and a miss. 19 for nothing. Bit boring from the South Africans, give us a wicket!

5.5 On middle and Smith works it leg side to deep square leg. Only a few runs.

5.4 Smiith, cut it into his stumps again, keep goin Mithc soon.... very soon.....

5.3 Johnson to Smith wide down the off side left alone, so it should be!

5.2 Johnson stright onti leg stump full toss and SMeeth tangles himself up, dick:P

5.1 Johnson in again youker to Smeeth who digs it out, good batting, damn!

4.6 Bracks to my fella, who walked into the line of it and hit it to leg side. Come on, ramp it up!

4.5 16-0, Bracken to Smith, defended to point, no run. yawn!!

4.4 Bracken to Smith, straight bat, not gonna get through that.

4.3 Cutting into Smeethy, no run.

4.2 Gibbs runs forward, cheeky single. He needs a new uniform, the number on the back is peeling.

4.1 Bracken to Gibbs, defended to short cover, no run.

Right, well let us know if you're here, chuck us a comment. That's you kiks, I know you're out there!

3.7 Making up for the wide here, Gibbs defends to backward point, 15 without loss, which is a shame really the Aussies deserve a wicket :)

3.6 Gibbs defends, doesnt knwo what he's doin now, attack one ball defend the next wha?

3.5 Johnson on leg goin down to the keeper on off, what did I just see, must be the alchol:P

3.4 Swing and a miss, Gibbs tries to take him down the leg side from off and misses.

3.3 Gibbs takes him for 4, full of a length. 14 for nothing atmo!

3.2 Wide from Johnson, whats he doin? Gibbs looks unsettled, and so he should!

3.1 Johnson in and Smeeth pulls to take just one run, wow not cool for the saffas, Carn mitch aim for his 8 other fingers you havent hit.

Hi team, Miss Field and the Full Tosser here.

Our man Ponting has won the toss and sending the Saffers out to bat. And there's Graeme, with his uber massive glove... here we go...

Bracken to Smith, nudged to second slip. Try again laddie. It's high.... bah.

0.3 Bracken to Smith, wide! down the leg side. Shake of the shaggy mans hair

0.4 Bracken, good of a length, left alone

0.5 Bracken around the wicket, left alone.... shoulders arms... yawn... I don't like the Aussies uniforms?

0.6 Bracken to Gibbs left alone. One run off the over. YAY MITCH IS HERE!!!

1.1 Johnson on now, man he's lookin good. Can he break Smeeeths head this time? Johnson in full length defended, the crowd cheers as it goes nowhere near Smeeths hand.

1.2 Johnson back in for the second delivery. On to the off stump, bit of inswing onto the leg side and gets 2 runs! Wow

1.3 Good bouncy delivery straight through to the keeper.

1.4 A swing and a miss, damn shame there. Good speed and well taken but the wickie.

1.5 A defensive shot, GIbbs defending looking for the inswing and it went past his bat. Dumbass, wont last long here.

1.6 Another dombass shot and thats over. Gibbs is lookin unsteady, from an aussie fan boy POV ;)

Over to miss Field for the third over.

WOW Mitch is advertising Blackwoods. DUnno what it is but I'm gonna go there.

2.1 Bracken to Smithy, went to leg slip.

2.2 Smith Cut into his stumps but missed. Fool!!

There's a delay here. Tick tock lads.

2.3 Bracken to Gibbs, nearly took off a single before he realised the ball was almost at his stumps. A shame, the Aussies scrambed around.

2.4 Bracken to Gibbs... damn I got distracted. There might have been something there. nothing exciting.

2.5 Quick single, Hauritz went sliding. Fuck Ponting needs a haircut.

2.6 Another run. Boo clowns.

Live blogging tonight!

Right, well, I have decided that I am going to attempt a live blog of the One Dayer this evening. There may be shots of Tequila involved. I may also have to duck off for an hour or so to play tennis. I might even change my mind between now and then. But we will see.

Til then!

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Shane Warne The Musical

I saw Shane Warne the Musical recently. The tickets were $75, which I thought was a bit steep for what it is, but I heard from a lot of people that it was hilarious, so thought I'd take a look.

I read that the man himself was quite worried about how his mum would be portrayed. He really didn't have much to worry about on any level, I think they were very kind to him. Very forgiving of his off-field indiscretions. Why? Because all that matters is cricket, the Baggy Green, the Ashes. Right?

That said, there's not much about cricket at all in the story really.

It is very funny and the songs are catchy, though I found it difficult to visualise Eddie Perfect as Shane Warne, because he's infinitely more attractive. Some bits seem a bit rushed, and I think that maybe if the writing had been refined a bit in some places the jokes could have been maximised, but it's definitely not bad.

The creator said he'd like to take the show to England, but I'm just not convinced it would be appreciated there. The humour is very Australian, and I know English people therefore think that means 'not funny', but that's not the case. The ex-pats would like it though.

There wasn't a huge audience, which was disappointing, so if you get the chance to see it, go along and support the team. It's cool.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

New blog

I just noticed a new blog being written from Sydney by Amy S.

She's a bit on the treacherous side - Australian, with a thing for South Africans. Imagine that!? AND she claimed Albie Morkel off me. Just like that. The cheek!

She ranks the top cricket nations and why she likes or loathes them. My favourite -

8. New Zealand should float by on the back of Dan Vettori's success. Only, Jesse Ryder would need a flotation device. I'm not sure Dan would do.

She also got this comment that she proudly displays at the top of the page "why dont u piss off Amy S!!!!!! u dont know about australia!!!! go back to your sh1thole!!!". I love people.

Amy S Talks Cricket here.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

"South African" Premier League

I'm choosing to ignore Australia's dismal performance for now.

Let's talk Indian Premier League.

Insert obligatory comment about the passage of time: it really doesn't seem like a whole year ago we first saw a cricket in such a... dazzling... light.

It was amusing but it didn't take long to lose interest. Sure, Ricky Ponting wore a black and gold costume (uniform doesn't say enough) and Shane Warne proved he's still ace, but it's only Twenty20, and the whole thing went for too long.

It really was a tournament of very little substance.

The best part of it, in my opinion, was seeing the likes of Ponting and Ganguly playing side by side; something county cricket followers would be familiar with, but we haven't got an Australian equivalent.

But a lot of things have changed in the last twelve months.

India has been subjected to a horrific terrorist attack.

The recent attack in Pakistan saw made us realise that our beloved sportsmen are not immune to the instability of the world.

The 2009 IPL will coincide with federal elections in India.

If I was a cricketer I wouldn't want to go. As it is several Australians have pulled out of the competition. Though citing other reasons, security must have been a factor and a big one.

The Indian government have said they cannot provide extra security because of the elections.

"Due to the attitude of the government that it cannot provide security for the tournament, we are forced to take a decision to move the IPL out of India," the country's cricket chief Shashank Manohar told reporters.

I commend the BCCI for this. It would have been easy to turn a blind eye and reap the reward and profit, despite the risk of attack.

South Africa is the likely host for the IPL, with England a second alternative.

I wonder what implications this will have for the league's profits.

An integral part of this tournament is interpellation - Indians identify with the IPL, it's their tournament. Their celebrities own the teams, those celebrities are often filmed in the crowd celebrating or lamenting the performance of their team. The spectacle and the glamour, from the player auction to the season launch to the costumes; it is India.

In turn, atmosphere at Indian cricket matches is something to behold, and I believe assist to sustain the interest in this event. They are an immensely lively bunch and it goes hand in hand with the extravaganza of the IPL. Again, it is their tournament. Will it be mimicked in South Africa? No.

There is a 3.5 hour time difference between the two countries. Granted this is not as big as if it was being held in England, but it will still affect prime time viewing in India (and make no mistake, this tournament is held to be broadcast in India).

Take away these patriotism factors - will the Indians lose interest if tournament seems to become South Africa's? My Indian blogger friends are far more qualified to comment on this than me, but it makes me wonder.

While all these factors are interesting to consider, none of it really matters. What matters is the safety of the cricketers and subsequently the safety of the people around them who may in turn be affected (security guards, by-standers etc).

There can be no doubt the BCCI are doing the right thing here. If that means the IPL dies, which is unlikely even if this season goes badly, so be it.

I also commend South Africa for being ready to mobilise with this.

It's cricket. We're there for each other.

Ponting's wicket

Michael Hussey really needs to find some form.

In the next two minutes.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Test matches and OBEs and Engerland. And South Africa.

The third Test starts tomorrow.

I know. I too am struggling to contain my excitement.

To mark this occasion, here is a post written by my esteemed friend Angus on his most excellent blog, which he has kindly let me re-post here.

It's about an incident back in 2005. Something happened back then, now what was it... oh yes, that's right.

We lost the Ashes.


I think I speak for all of us when I say that beating South Africa in sporting contests is one of Australia's three most solemn duties (the other two are beating New Zealand at Rugby Union, and preserving the memory of Gallipoli).

Beating England is not solemn - it's a raucous affair. But beating South Africa is important, it is crucial, and it is satisfying.

I was speaking to Miss Field a while ago - who has been keeping another blog hidden in plain sight - about why losing to South Africa in Australia was less painful than losing to England in 2005 (in England).

Here are my top reasons why losing to England in 2005 was so hard to take:

1) The series of coincidences that went England's way

2) Australia could not have played ANY worse, we were lacking our best fast bowler (we dominated the one Test he played), and we still only lost the series by two runs.

3) England's team was full of crap players who played much better than they ever had or ever would again to fluke wickets and runs.

4) They treated a marginal 2-1 series victory as if THEY HAD RE-WON WORLD WAR II.

5) The English players went back to being crap within 24 hours of the final Test.

But one of the hardest things to take was something Miss Field pointed out: that any time an Australian mentioned that perhaps the English were over-reacting by giving their players OBEs for winning two Test matches, we were accused of being sore losers.

Ashley Giles. Useless cricketer. OBE.

It was not a great time to be an Australian cricket fan. Just like this past summer against South Africa. However, here are the key reasons why losing to South Africa is not as painful as that horrible 2005:

1) South Africa were the better team. Australia played badly again, but we had our chances to win it and we bottled it. We can acknowledge better teams.

2) The Proteas' performances were not flukes, and their players were not in some kind of never-to-be-repeated Indian summer. They had built their form up over the past few years.

3) They didn't carry on like flamin' galahs after they won two Test matches. Whatever the equivalent of the South African OBE is, they didn't give it to a bunch of blokes who did the job they're paid large amounts of money just to get done.

4) We recognise that our team is in transition and we're willing to cut them some more slack.

5) We've just gone and handed them a defeat on their home soil with three of our blokes playing their first Test.

The Ashes in 2005 will always be a bad memory, but hopefully, one day, Flintoff and Vaughan and co will come out and say "you know what, I probably didn't deserve to be made a member of the Order of the British Empire for barely winning two cricket matches." And I'd like to think that I will be around to say "EXACTLY!"

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

"I love weddings... drinks all 'round!"

Adam Voges is not allowed to get married while being a cricketer.

So he is not going to be a cricketer... for the One Dayers in South Africa, at least.

Apparently he asked if he could fly home to marry his girl, and Cricket Australia said no because it will mean the team will be short a batsman.

Andrew Hilditch said he understands Adam's position but cannot put the team at risk.

(Read: except when Matthew Hayden is involved.)

I hope this doesn't have too great an impact on his future selection chances. He is fab and worthy.

I can understand CA's point of view, though on the surface it does seem a little harsh. Surely he could have planned his wedding better.

BUT weddings have to be planned often a year plus ahead. A friend of mine who tried to place an order for a wedding dress eleven months in advance was told she was an 'emergency bride'. I assume it's a WA thing, but I could be wrong.

And obviously Adam hasn't been keeping up with the Upcoming Tours listed here to notice the terrible timing.

Or maybe, as he is from WA and not NSW, he wasn't expecting to be selected. That said, Marcus North is going to replace him. And that's good.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Domestic season closing


Love 'em or hate 'em they are about to win the Sheffield Shield against Queensland.

Yup. The coolest named team in Australia are 392 runs in front of the Bulls at stumps on day four. So they'd better declare and do their thing so that Brad Hodge can have some joy in this cold, callous world.

Good stats - Chris Rogers (still not forgiven) 105; D Hussey 103; Cam White 135. Andrew Symonds 4/48. Dirk Nannes 4/65, Clint McKay 3/35. It's Victoria's game; none of the Bulls' batsmen even deserve a mention!

Two questions spring to mind... what the fuck happened to New South Wales? And will Jrod be able to cope with the Bushrangers actually winning the Shield?

I vaguely remember saying this last year, but it's the Warriors' turn next summer... just you wait and see.


You wouldn't know the Women's World Cup is going on at the moment.

And not just because I haven't written about it yet.

But because on Cricinfo the only mention of it is down the left hand menu.

And then, the first sentence of the lead story isn't about cricket at all.

During the second World War, a secret bunker in Bankstown was used as the base for Australia's air-force operations.

Cricinfo. For all your wartime history needs.

I flicked onto Fox Sports 2, whose programme listed said "ICC Women's World Cup". But instead they were showing the last Test between Australia and South Africa. Men.

Who's going to win this series? I do not know. My tip is England though. I'd rather it was New Zealand. Or Bangladesh. Or, you know, Australia, though that's nigh impossible now.

I am, however, hanging out to see the Aussies take on the Poms on Thursday.

If it gets shown.

The England flogged us during the Ashes, so I hope it's time for the World Cup defenders to exact some vengeance. Though, yeah. Unlikely.

The whole thing is about five weeks shorter than the last men's World Cup. I think the lads need to take a leaf.

Incidentally... Fox Sports 2 is now showing a Geelong v Collingwood game. Hmm.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Good luck Binga

Watching the last Test match against South Africa made me think... Brett Lee and Stuart Clark will have their work cut out for them getting back into this team.

Brett Lee has different ideas.

"I'm not embarrassed to say that I expect to lead the pace attack and take that brand new ball again for Australia," Lee told Cricinfo.

Sounds a bit too big for his boots. Like someone else we just managed to get rid of. It would be different if Australia had lost the first two Tests. But we didn't. Should a winning formula be changed? I don't think so. Does Mitchell Johnson secretly want to punch him? Perhaps.

Also, er, I bet Matt Hayden's feeling a bit small. Because if he had gone when he was supposed to (as decreed by me), well, let's just say there might not have been so much losing going on during the summer, eh?

Saturday, March 14, 2009


Over at Cricket With Balls, Jrod has decided that Cricket Australia actually does have the right idea, and sought out some super feline bloggers to raise his profile among the laydeez.

Introducing Nimby and Mizzy.

And don't question Mizzy's hair. It is most certainly not a Cherry Ripe wig. K?

Friday, March 13, 2009

Kiki and Sassy ruin cricket

It has come to my attention through Jrod of The Balls, that Cricket Australia have recently implemented two females to blog on cricket.

I'm insulted.

I'm not claiming to be the only woman to blog about cricket. There are other female cricket bloggers out there. To the best of my knowledge, the only other from Australia is 12 years old. She knows a lot more about it than these two.

In fact, what does make these women qualified to write about cricket? It doesn't say they are former players, and I certainly haven't seen them doing the hard yards around the cricket blogging circles.

No. They are generic bloggers HIRED TO WRITE ABOUT CRICKET.

It would be fairer to have a male cricket blogger PRETEND TO BE A WOMAN writing about cricket. Jrod would give it a damn good go, for one. Plus he'd look fine in that afro wig you get in Cadbury showbags, the one that genetic-woman is wearing.

I may write a lot of fluff. Sure, I have a crush on Graeme Smith. But at least I know what I'm talking about. In fact my friend Kirstie, who has to be dragged head-first to a cricket match, knows more about it than these two clowns.

So I guess Sakky and Kisi, or whatever their names are, are the nieces of James Sutherland or something.

I would very much like to spend more time writing about cricket. I can write nice. I can write stupid. If you've read what I wrote in Whingeing Pom you'll know I can twist the knife in the heart of my own team if I have to. I'll even assume a retarded name. Sassbo.

If you need me to write my own comments too, I'm on it, for shizzle. Sehwag knows I can create better characters than the morons with no interest in cricket whatsoever, who apparently ended up in the Cricket Australia blog page to declare their newfound interest.

This blog is an insult to any woman who likes cricket for more than the "Maddona microphones" and because "what other game gives you an excuse to park yourself on the lounge for five days straight?".

By their own admission they don't know what they're doing.

Please do me a favour and don't visit their stupid blog. Just take my word for it. It sucks. If you feel even a twinge of annoyance, I encourage you to write and tell Cricket Australia so. Here's a link for you.

And while you're online, visit Crikey and support our Jrod.

A jihad on these charlatans. A jihad on Cricket Australia. In the words of Daniel Vettori: Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you all.

Not that Kisi and Sakky have any idea who he is.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

I need your help

On a rather less serious note, I have been meaning to ask all of you who live in Australia to acquire a copy of the February edition of the award winning Whingeing Pom magazine. Your local newsagent would have it, and don't worry, it's bi-monthly, so it's still around.

And then check out the 2,000 word story I wrote on page 54. That's right. This may come as a surprise to you, but my name is actually not Miss Field.

So. Whether or not I get another gig with this magazine depends on the reaction to what I wrote. Love it or hate it, I encourage you to write in and tell the team what you think.

If you feel betrayed by any of those 2,000 words, email the editor and tell him. He's a top fella. For a pom.

Thank you.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

We're all in this together

When I was at uni, there was a terrorist attack in Indonesia.

Not the sort that changes the world, but one in which people died, and it was significant if for no other reason but that.

The university sent an email out to all students saying that a certain number of people had died, but fortunately, no Australians were among the dead.

A lot of people, students and teachers alike, were angry about this, but it's a common attitude in the face of accidents and disasters. We are ok and sod the others.

It's a displaced sense of patriotism that skews the value of human life.

Even leading on from this, watching the SBS World News you can see the tragedies that occur around the world every single day that don't stand a chance of being reported on the six o'clock commercial news.

The sort that make you thankful for the life you have and the country you live in.

Why isn't it reported? Because it happened so far away, in a poor country where English is not the first language. It doesn't matter that 300 people died. Ben Cousins takes drugs. Ben Cousins had a coffee in Leederville. Ben Cousins flew to Melbourne.

In light of the attack in Pakistan, a similar attitude has emerged, this time not in a patriotic sense, but an elitest sense.

The terrorists struck but the cricketers survived*. Phew. The end.

I am as happy as anyone that the Sri Lankan cricket team and their entourage were not killed in this awful attack.

But it bothers me that in the media this sentiment largely outweighs the tragedy at the lives that were lost, even if it was in the line of duty. And this doesn't help the poor bus driver.

Sure, analyse the consequences for our sport. Validate your point of view on the future of cricket in the region. But don't let the loss of life pale into insignificance because of who was and wasn't killed. Rome is not worth one good man's life.

Maybe I'm just naive to think we should all be equal. Australian, Indonesian, cricketer, bus driver.

*Six police officers died protecting them, and two civilians.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Cricket in Pakistan

Being on the Pakistan Cricket Board can't be an easy job at the best of times.

And when Wasim Bari says things like this: "At a time when terrorist attacks are taking place all over the world Pakistan cricket should not be abandoned or isolated. We can still hold international matches."

It's impossible not to feel sorry for him.

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Terrorism 'n' stuff

Here in Australia, the story of what's happened today in Pakistan is being used to validate the actions of Cricket Australia in continually 'postponing' Australia's tours of the country.

Sure, they were right.

But let's stop thinking about ourselves for a second and look at this from a different angle.

I am not sure whether I have mentioned this here previously, but I generally think the word brave is bandied around too liberally.

I won't go into where I think it's inappropriate, because you'll be queuing up to call me nasty names, also it's not really relevant, so let's move on.

The Sri Lankans were brave to play in Pakistan.

Sure, you could call them foolish, but that doesn't mean they deserved this attack.

On the flip side, I doubt they have the same 'get-out-of-jail' options available as countries like Australia and England.

They really were brave to be there, and I respect them for it.

Sri Lankans should be angry. Really, really angry.

If they were my boys over there, I would be livid. As it is I am angry on their behalf.

For a long time people have viewed cricketers as somewhat untouchable, because of the point of view that the love of cricket by people in cricketing countries outweighs their potential desire to inflict carnage and destruction, as it would a) do their cause no good and b) affect a major source of entertainment. I guess this is not the case.

I wonder what motivates someone to do something like this, what makes them think they have the right. These weren't politicians. But then I give up because it's not something I will ever understand.

It's a sad day for cricket in Pakistan. It's yet another sad day for Pakistan.

Got a beef with Sri Lanka?

So the Sri Lankan cricket team has been attacked in Pakistan, and while there are casualties and the act is totally reprehensible, four possibilities spring to mind:

1. coincidence
2. deliberately targeted by the 'terrorists' Cricket Australia want to avoid by not letting the Aussies tour there
3. deliberately targeted by 'terrorists' hired by Cricket Australia (and maybe pitched in for by other cricket boards who don't let their teams tour there) to make their point
4. Roy did it

Will we ever know the truth? Will Roy ever be sobre enough to own up? Will Australia ever tour Pakistan?

I think the answer is clear to at least one of those questions.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

BlackCaps regroup!

I have noticed that whoever designs the BlackCaps' uniforms is getting a little adventurous.

A little too adventurous.
What's wrong with a silver fern? Ok you could say it's overused, but it looks a damn sight better than these. And baby blue? What's that about?

And everytime I see it I think maybe it's a sign of things to come.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

My Joernaal - The Wanderers, day three


Bloody AB. Always upstaging me. If the stupid man hadn't given me out, that would have been me, in my rightful place as century maker. Little shit.

Other than that I'm not too fazed. We will win. I will make a hundred this innings. We will be number one. And when we are I will be the first in line to give Ponting that patronising handshake. Oh yes. And AB will know his place.

I don't need to get revenge on Johnson now either. 96 n.o. is punishment enough for any bowler. It'll never happen again. I laughed for hours.

I got a letter from Minki on Wednesday, a postcard from Norway.

Deer Graem,
I hope your feelng beterr after ur surjerry en I hope u beet those Ossies.
I think of u sumtimes. Alle voorspoed.

Damn I miss her.

I had a ham sandwich for lunch. It was delicious.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Not the one

The head of SBS has told a senate estimates hearing it will pay back a $15-million loan to broadcast the Ashes over the next five years.
SBS secured the rights to the cricket series to be held later this year, to ensure it can be viewed on free-to-air television.
But the broadcaster does not have the cash to pay for the rights up-front.

The most important fact that can be gleamed from this information is that SBS showing the cricket means Channel 9 won't be.

Praise be to Sehwag!

Hell, I'd pass the hat around to raise $15 million for this cause.

I wonder, seeing as they're doing it on the cheap, if they are looking for commentators.

Will commentate for seat in media spaceship. And food. And an audience with Michael Vaughan Brendon McCullum Mitchell Johnson. And one photo with a Baggy Green.


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

That's our boy

I thought, prior to extolling the virtues of Adam Voges, I should check that he's not actually a closet Kiwi or something (especially seeing as I almost accused Graeme Smith of having no fans in my last post).

As it turns out, he was born in the very suburb I'm writing this in.

Western Australians. Is there anything we can't do?*

*Rhetorical question, please do not answer.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Got fans?

These numbers are a few weeks old, but if you've ever wondered how the Facebook community rallies around certain players, wonder no more.

Kevin Pietersen - 6,689
Daniel Vettori - 1, 049
Ricky Ponting - 4,922
Dale Steyn - 1,587
Anil Kumble - 1,633
Andrew Flintoff - 4,496
Brian Lara - 11,429
AB De Villiers - 3,344
Sachin Tendulkar - 24,440
Michael Clarke - 2,183
Shivnarine Chanderpaul - 5,614
Mitchell Johnson - 3,854
Graeme Smith - 257

I saved the best until last. I'd say "let's all have a chuckle," except that in the interest of some sort of accuracy I decided to double-check.

In the five weeks since I compiled this list the dude has gained some 4,000 fans. Way to spoil my fun.

Genuine respect or the greatest Facebook stack of all time? You be the judge.

Too much cricket?

I have immersed myself in reading about the finer points of cricket over the last few days.

And then this happened (psychoanalyse me, do what you will. I already know I am mad):

I turned up at the WACA and realised I was wearing sandals. Oops.

I made call after call trying to get through to my parents to ask them to bring my joggers.

But no one was answering. I managed to get through to my cousin at the same time I saw an old primary school friend with feet as big as mine, who agreed to lend me her shoes.

Then I had race back to my car, which I'd hastily parked illegally, to try and find somewhere to park it properly, but of course all the carparks were full. I really didn't want to get a parking ticket - surely Ricky Ponting didn't have this problem?

All the while I was thinking what the fuck am I doing here? Surely there was someone else, thousands of someone elses, hundreds of thousand in fact, who should be doing this.

Sure I had had some insignificant role in a couple of Twenty20 matches recently, but this was a One Dayer. Didn't they know how horribly unfit I am? I'd struggle to run from one end of the field to the other, and I was meant to stay out there all friggin day?

And why was I wearing my own One Day shirt? It wasn't the right uniform and not even the right colour. And was it ok to wear a skirt? No one had told me otherwise.

I was frantically searching the internet on my phone, looking for an official squad list, looking for confirmation that this was all a joke. But Google failed me.

I was doomed to make a complete arse of myself in front of the cricketing world.

It was worse than the dream where you turn up to school sans pants, because I didn't like most of the people I went to school with. This was a nightmare.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

A song for Andrew

Hello everyone, Full Tosser here. Whilst driving along and listening to Flight of the Conchords (in particular: Cheer Up Murray) I had this idea, why not match the sadness that must be being felt by Andrew Strauss to this song, and here is what was produced. The clip is the song, with the lyrics changed for poor ole Straussy underneath. Enjoy :)

Cheer up Andrew , don’t let it get you down,

Pick yourself up, off the ground,

It’s gonna be…. Alright :)

Cheer up Andrew; you look a little sad,

Your life ain’t so bad, just think of all the good times.
Remember your thirty first birthday; you threw a great big party.

And all of your friends were there for you: Bell, Vaughn and Freddie.

They brought you a cake in the shape of lions by three,

‘cos they all thought you were pommy…
You’ve got some runs, didn’t you Andrew

You got lots of runs, a couple of years ago.

You’ve got some kids, don’t you Andrew

Best thing you’ve produced in years

(and you didn’t do it on your own)

And you’ve got a job,

you’ve got all of your limbs,
you’ve got a shit house team,

that you’re expected to lead

You’re good at bein’ fucked, by the ECB

You’ve got good form, but it mostly goes….

KP doesn’t return your calls, he doesn’t return your calls.

The ECB will call you softy balls, they call you softy balls.

Those people don’t know what they see, they just see softy balls.

Softy balls.
Cheer up Andrew, it’s time to forget,

Your team scored 51 outta the nets,

Let’s go train on an esky…

Cheer up Andrew so nothing goes your way, it’s the same everyday

Well tomorrow is another day….

Monday, February 9, 2009

Snippet of gold

You'd all be aware of England's gorgeous 51-run innings in Jamaica over the weekend.

Don't be mean.

They were just doing their bit for comic relief. Lord knows we could all do with it at the moment, whether it's flood, snow or fire. So don't hold it against them.

In fact, I for one am thankful.

Something did grab my attention today though.

The front page of The Australian's sport section. It goes through the details of England's loss in the West Indies, but one paragraph stood out, and made my day.

Strauss took over from South African-born egomaniac Kevin Pietersen, whose three-Test reign ended in forced resignation when he discovered, much to his surprise, that he wasn't the only person in English cricket who mattered.

It wasn't an opinion piece, it wasn't a letter to the editor. It was editorial - sardonic to the brim, and a brilliant summing up of the situation in less than fifty words.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Allan Border Medal 2009

Michael Clarke and Ricky Ponting have tied to win the Allan Border Medal.

I can't believe that.

Actually I can.

Australian cricket has made so many poor choices over the last few months that nothing surprises me anymore.

It should have been Mitch. And not just because he looks good in boardies.

Nathan Bracken was the One Day player and Michael Clarke the Test player.

I want to know who Brett Lee turned up with. It was not me.

But Ponting? Ponting? He has lead us to so many critical defeats, he is jumping ship, he isn't accountable, he's not the Punter he used to be, and the clock is definitely ticking for him.

He should not have accepted it. He should have said "no way man, this isn't cool, I don't deserve this, I've played like shit." Don't encourage the man's mediocrity.

Who's living in the past? Oh, we are.

And Rianna Ponting is too, it would seem. She turned up in a toga.

Thanks to Moses for keeping me posted.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

In which I am angry and ranty

Right. Yes. Well. Losing to New Zealand... that's something that's going to take a little getting used to.

Though, after our pitiful innings, I thought it would be over very quickly and I could go home and watch the Oz Open final. But I forgot it was New Zealand we were playing, so the whole thing was long and drawn out and nearly painful, until it came down to the wire.

Australia looked utterly half-arsed from the outset. Like they were batting in a Test match but running like a Twenty20.

To their credit, they seemed to get themselves together a bit in the field. But their batting SUCKED. Ponting and Clarke were both run out. Ponting wasn't even stretched or have his bat pushed far in front of him or LEAP to make it across the line. He didn't look like he was even trying!

And then with our early bowling breakthroughs it was clear that they are no South Africa, but was it the proverbial park walk? No.

And somehow, somehow, they crept up and home.

Did we deserve to lose? Absolutely.

Are we screwed? I think so.

Is New Zealand better than England? I doubt it.

So we are really screwed? Potentially, uber-screwed.

And what is with our uniforms? What possessed the designers to take every shit idea since 1981 and combine them and then make it multi-coloured?

Feckin hell.

Friday, January 30, 2009

A Little Golden Book Classic Tale

One hot and sticky Friday afternoon, an avid cricket fan and two of her friends went to the local park to watch her team take on a great challenger.

Australia versus South Africa

South Africa won the toss and batted. Here is Jiminy.
The South Africans made an impressive 288. Jiminy made 60 not out.

They stopped for a while to let some idiots run around on-field. The Australians cheated (yes, they are wearing dresses).

Then it was Australia's turn. Marsh failed. Ponting braved the field, ready to save his team, self, the game.

He stretched.

He swung and missed.

He got out.

And they fell like the ASX200.

So this blogger went home to watch the tennis.

Friday, January 9, 2009

And now for something completely different...

My 2009 mission -

My dear friend Miss Field, allowed me to guest write for her cricket blog, which took me by surprise because 1) I have no appreciation for the sport whatsoever and 2) I have no understanding of the game itself. Having played a few games of drunken beach cricket with a beer in my hand and a traumatising game of French cricket in the 6th Grade I am what most would regard as cricket’s worst nightmare.

It was with this in mind that Miss Field decided to take it upon herself to educate me in the ways of cricket greatness. An opportunity to educate the cricket philistine I am to become the crème de la crème of cricket commentator. Having only written in the past about boyfriends, the city I live in and an occasional letter to my Grandparents, I welcomed the opportunity with open arms.

Miss Field wanted this to be a progressive education that would see me go from Cricket Ladette to Cricket Lady without the messy television show. It is why I am here writing to you in my cricket ignorance.

My first taste you could say of cricket bliss was a photo of Graeme Smith. Having been advised though that digging the opposition is a BIG no-no, I couldn’t stop myself from wondering how any one man can draw so much appeal? A “fat” cricketer with freckles and no lips with a tendency to date skinny blonde models (with names longer than my first published piece) would be enough to turn any straight woman gay (or drive any other “fat” cricketer with freckles and no lips to tears), but for some strange reason the man has appeal (though not hard when you're in a field that includes Shane Warne).

So I leave you pondering the thought that, Mr Graeme “I play with a broken hand because I’m totally hardcore” (and what I would think, completely insane) Smith, could possibly be the hottest cricketer of all time… maybe a close second to Brendon Julian (until he discovered the beauty that is Dunsborough and the wealth that is the Wylie Family)….I suspect though that Miss Field is going to certainly have her work cut out for her with this cricket philistine…

- let's call her... Batting Average.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

KP speaks...

"No but yeh but no what happened was, was you know Michael Vaughan, he found a verruca sock in the girls' bogs and put it in Mooresey's bag and he completely had an eppy and turned up to Giles Clarke’s party with a compass and stabbed Giles Clarke, and anyway Stuart Broad gave Ian Bell a blowie in the shallow end for a bite of his Funny Foot."

Well I guess if nothing else he's proper English now.

You heard it here first.

Series wrap - tell your friends

I have really enjoyed this Test series against the Saffers.

Yeah we lost, but to worthy adversaries. There were no heart-breaking flukes; they deserved to win. It's been competitive, tense, exciting, lots of other adjectives that are eluding me right now.

If anyone says Test cricket is dull, hand them a copy of the third Test (or any of them really) and say 'you're wrong, bucko'.

Johnson almost carried Australia at times. Smith shined for South Africa. Ponting nearly redeemed himself. Siddle nearly proved himself. Duminy earnt big-time respect. Hayden reaped scorn.

Representatives from both sides have said at different times that the series was played in good spirit, and I think that certainly showed.

Unlike this time last year.

South Africa you are welcome here anytime.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Incomprehensible bravery

I don't place a lot of value in bravery as a virtue.

I've never understood what was so desirable about being Sorted into Gryffindor.

Bravery implies choice. Choosing the path of heroism.

I'm not brave when it comes to daring feats of physical capability. In fact I think people who are often popularly perceived to be brave are actually just big fools.

If someone asked me to go and bat with a broken hand I would tell them to bugger off. I would guard my hand like The Precious. I might even hiss at them.

I guess that's because I'm rational, sensible and have a sense of self-preservation. Plus I don't like pain.

I didn't think for a second that Smith would bat today, by fate or choice. Seems neither did he.

"I didn't really expect to go out. Deep inside I didn't really want to get out there.

"I probably decided 25 overs out, 26 overs out (that I was going to bat).

"I arrived here without any kit and had some pants I'd shoved into my cricket bag to protect my bats.

"I stole a shirt off Jacques (Kallis) and a pullover off Harry (Paul Harris) that still had his hamburger stain on the front left side of it.

"I had Morne (Morkel) dressing me and putting my shoes on and pads.

"I decided I was going to give it a go and give it my best shot and if I got a first-baller or whatever at least I tried.

"Obviously there's a lot of pain. Once one ball hit the bat I thought 'okay, that's one out the way'.

"(I told myself) 'just keep watching the ball and hoping that it hits the bat the whole time'.

"It was about getting out there and doing the best you can."

Smith refused to use his injuries as an excuse for his dismissal.

"He probably would have got me if I had both arms available.

"It cut back off a crack (and) Mitchell has bowled superbly all series.

"I saw they were having a little group meeting just before that over and I was hoping that they were going to give the ball to someone else."

Although the phrase no sense, no feeling did flicker across my mind, trying to save the game for his team and for his country was brave. He was in tremendous pain, and although he's well practised at keeping a straight face, it did show a little. Yep, he's a Gryffindor.

I wondered though, if he could get his hand in the glove today, what was the hold up on Sunday? Broken is broken, I don't want to hear about his euphoric cloud of anaesthesia (unless I get a share). Maybe he enjoys the pain.

It was only when the champagne was being sprayed everywhere that he scampered like, well, me, clutching his newly re-cast arm. So not only is he a masochist, his priorities when it comes to alcohol are seriously screwed up.

When all's said and done though, it was an extraordinary and memorable sight to behold, and deserving of the standing ovation received. Crazy sure, and not something I'd do for love or money. But admirable too.

I remember an ad campaign for noodles or something, a year or two back, with the line "make pain your friend". To that I say no.

Guess that's why I'm not an elite athlete. And thank heavens for that.

England foot shooting continues

The tensions engulfing camp England have finally boiled over, and both captain and coach have walked out the door.

Whether or not he'd left of his own accord Pietersen would not have been allowed to stay on as captain. Cricketers must be subservient and not comment when they're uber-shitted off, it's just how it is. Just by saying "him or me" it was never going to be him.

Personally I'm disappointed. I was looking forward to Ponting and Pietersen squaring off.

And I bet Vaughan's wishing he'd pushed himself a bit harder these last few months.

It also seems to me like the tide is turning, and where last week observers were on KP's side, they now feel Moore's has been treated poorly; KP has betrayed his trust and this has all been most uncalled for.

Wow. Hissy fits. Cricket really does provide everything.

Ian Bell, anyone?

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Desperate and dateless?

Well if you live in Sydney or Perth apparently you're in luck.

At the upcoming Twenty20 matches (WA vs Qld Jan 15; NSW vs Vic Jan 17) they're going to have speed dating.

So you all sit around and chat and each time there's a wicket or a six, the blokes move up a seat to talk to a different girl.

And the tagline?

It's not just cricket.

But by the sound of it it's almost not even cricket...

Join up to 500 singles for spectator seat speed dating, party games, prize giveaways, and the fast, furious and exciting sport that’s taking the world by storm; Twenty20 Cricket! This is not your usual cricket match; the Twenty20 is a '20 over' game lasting only 3 hours with added excitement, adrenaline and pace!

I guess going to the cricket to watch cricket is becoming uncool.

Update: And before you ask - no.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Grayeme's Joernaal - day 30

This is sereously fucked up.

And I was doing so well today to.

no one has been brave enough to talk too me. at dinner no one said much at all. Jaqeus had to cut my dinner up. but the boys were all very suportive and no-one laughed.

the girl who xrayed my hand looked hot so i gave her my number. but i changed my mind because i realized that her eyes were to close together. wen she calls i will have to let her down.

mitchel Johnston will pay for this with that hot girlfrend of his. and if he's lucky I wont smash his face in. Probably shoudn't, might brake my hand again on his granete face.

I can't even write, so AB is writing for me. he is a legend

at least it makes my elboo feel better.

Im so depressed.

Love from
Grayam Grayme Graeme

A fracture in the plan

Graeme Smith is injured and this may just save Australia.

Though at 1-125, maybe it won't.

I would probably prefer that this didn't happen. If we're going to win I would rather it was against a team of 11, not 10.

If we're going to lose, the same thing applies.

But then, if we win, I'll take what I can get. At this point it seems pretty even. The Saffers looked shaky but settled in pretty well, and are one down, well two if you count Smith.

The bookies have a draw as the favoured outcome, but the odds on Australia winning are shorter than SA.

Also, Brett Lee had ankle surgery today.

Maybe the pair can share a hospital room.

Now, with a fractured fifth metatarsal, Smith's out for six weeks.

I bet he's wishing he didn't play in this match. What's that about the best laid plans?

Also, thanks to David for his live blogging, which was highly entertaining, though a shame we didn't get to hear about Smith's injury from his point of view.

3rd Test, 2nd Day, 2nd Session Aus vs SA

Dear Gilly,

I read a while ago that you said --

There used to be a bloke who gave himself out by walking when he'd hit the ball. The popularity of that within his team-mates may be shown by the fact that since his retirement, they no longer reply to any emails, phone calls or text messages.

-- and I want you to know that we miss you.

We miss your batting, your keeping, your sportsmanship, your enthusiasm.

People I know who don't even like cricket miss you.

I wouldn't be surprised if our enemies miss you, in a masochistic sort of way.

God knows the team misses you, though not as evidently as Warne or McGrath.

I know there's no going back and that's how it should be. But damn it was better with you.

Saturday, January 3, 2009

OBO blogging tomorrow

Yes that's right, my shit of a brother is lucky enough to be at the SCG to watch Australia get spanked.

Don't get me started on the perks of being a teacher.

But tomorrow he's going to blog over by over the second session, yes I know, why isn't he doing the whole day? Anyway I'll take what I can get so tune in tomorrow 1215 EDST (0115 GMT) to see the Full Tosser's live OBO blog.

And feel free to comment along the way, in fact please do so it doesn't feel like we're talking to ourselves.

UPDATE: He tells me it'll actually be ball by ball, not over by over. This 150,000 per cent thing is rubbing off.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Pick me! Pick me! Pick me! Pick me!

"I play cricket, me."

Perseverance, dear my Lord,
Keeps honour bright; to have done is to hang
Quite out of fashion, like a rusty mail,
In monumental mockery.

The problem with saying that you will give 150,000 per cent if selected is that -

a) people will mock you, and
b) expect you to deliver, and
c) mock you when you don't.

Though, he seems like a nice guy. Hopefully that equates to super fantastic taker of wickets.

But considering it's the Saffers who are looking so good, I don't think nice is a prerequisite for winning form.

Good luck kid.

You're gonna need it.

Numero uno up for grabs

Australia deserved to lose the second Test, and now the number one spot is there for the taking.

There were lessons from Perth that went unlearned. Even prior to Perth there were unlearned lessons.

Now there are lessons from Melbourne that have been ignored.

I believe in sticking with your team, unequivocally. But there's a difference between giving it your all and not quite making it, and arrogantly sticking with the wrong strategy.

One deserves respect, the other contempt.

On the other hand, South Africa also deserved to win the second Test.

I think Graeme Smith can take a fair portion of credit for the Saffers' success, both as captain and batsman.

And now it seems he might be ruled out because of injury (though I think it's more likely they're just talking it up, Cortisone cures all, as does the thought of beating Australia it would seem).

I thought about this, and came to the conclusion that if he doesn't play, and they still win easily, the outlook for Australia is even crappier than it already seems.

I have also noticed that a lot of South Africans have visited this blog in the last week. Welcome.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Shut up Roy

Sometimes I like to declare things un-Australian.

It's tongue in cheek. Usually it's a politician who declares something to be un-Australian, when there's no other means of condemnation.

Andrew Symonds has declared the treatment of Matt Hayden by the media to be un-Australian.

No Roy, this has not been a 'trial by media'. The failure is there for one and all to see.

And what did Hayden have to say for himself on the news tonight?

"There's more to being in the team than how many runs you make."

Actually, when you're an opening batsman, I'd say there's not a lot else for him to be concerned about.

He's scored a grand total of 56 runs in his last six innings. Roy, that ain't the media's fault.

For your curiosity, I have compiled a list of a few things that are damn well un-Australian.

Not liking Kylie
Being from Tassie
Not eating a meat pie on grand final day
Calling soccer 'football'
Knowing the words to the national anthem
Losing the Boxing Day Test
Not taking Vegemite on your TopDeck tour
Not knowing that a thong is footwear
Liking Sydney more than Melbourne
Not shedding a tear on Anzac Day, pacifist or not
Not using the word Pom
Not shortening everything to end in o
Calling a koala a 'koala bear'
Not learning to swim or drive
Not liking Midnight Oil
Not going to Bali
Voting in local government elections
Not liking Young Einstein
Using 'alright' as a greeting
Australia Day not being your favourite day of the year
Not appreciating Kath and Kim
Being a cadbury
Not knowing what a cadbury is
Shagging your best mate's brother
Not knowing who Don Bradman was

Sally Robbins lying down during the Olympic rowing final
Losing the Ashes
Not drinking your tea through a Tim Tam

Dhoni stirs it up

Fancy being the captain of India?


Sure, rolling around in piles of cash would be fun, but who could be bothered with having 45 commandos following guarding you? You would feel a bit of a princess.

On Monday, MS Dhoni received a letter demanding 5 million ruppes or dire things would happen to his family.

Better watch out for those dire things.

Yesterday he got another letter saying that if he told the police they would blow up his house.

Sure you might think 'well actually that sounds like the letter I sent Ponting last week, underperforming little shit'.

But at least he did go to the police, don't you hate that in movies when the stupid characters decide to take the law into their own hands, making their situation irreperably worse and you then you think they deserved death/prison/some other horrible, preventable outcome?

The clincher here is that it was sent by some guy who's BFF with some other guy (Dawood Ibrahim), the clown who thought it would be a good idea to bomb Mumbai in 93 and ended up killing 250 people.

The underworld boss has eluded authorities for the past 15 years and is believed to be hiding in Pakistan.

By the 1980s and 1990s, he was one of Mumbai's top gangland leaders, with a billion-dollar vice empire spanning gambling, drugs and prostitution.

Yeah. I'd be shitting myself too.

So now he's got 45 commandos following him around and guarding his house. Maybe they can field while he practises batting.

Though none of this is new to him. He received death threats from Maoist rebels last year, and, unhappy with the security arrangements made for him, applied for his own security guards to carry more sophisticated weapons. So they ditched the slingshots. This year he's getting commandos.

I'd be quite tempted just to pay up. Maybe he's a bit short on cash. I'm sure Sachin's good for a loan.

But I just can't imagine anyone bothering here.

Dear Ricky Ponting,

I will destroy you unless you supply me with a year's worth of Swisse Ultivites.

No. Make that two year's.



Incredible, insane India.

That's a wrap

Let's have a look at the year that's been and recognise the achievements of those I love to write about, the dismal failures of others, and some memorable moments in between.

And the Oscar goes to...

Actor in a Supporting Role
Shaun Tait. When shit bowling translates to a nervous breakdown, Taity fled to the hills. I branded him cricket's Sally Robbins, which earnt me the following (edited) email from some psycho in Tasmania -
I think you have been EXTREMELY unfair about Shaun Tait. It's easy to talk when you see others come back from injury as it's the easiest thing in the world, but before you open your big fat gob again, figuratively speaking, then just admit that it rankles you when a woman gets criticised and so you want to even up with a bloke. Sorry, but you ain't gonna become a noted journalist this way.

I didn't know what he was on about either.

Visual Effects
Daniel Flynn. It was graceful, it was elegant, it was so realistic that if I didn't know how good post-production is these days I'd swear it actually happened.

Short Film
Anyone who puts Andrew Flintoff and Frank Gallagher in the same envelope is my hero. This film, by the lovely Atheist, was also nominated in the documentary category, for providing fantastic insight into why cricket is just so damn interesting.

Costume Design
The IPL, most specifically the Kolkata Knight Riders. Whoever imagined cricketers in sparkly gold pads and helmets was clearly out of their mind.

I think half my hits this year have been from men and women desperate for a glimpse of Alastair Cook in the buff (the other half - "Graeme Smith girlfriend" - dead set). Can't help you much there I'm afraid, though I delcare him a worthy winner of this award for his commitment to eye makeup. The industry thanks you, Ali, and so do I.

Oh go on then.

Actress in a Supporting Role
Michael Clarke. Just because.

Documentary Short
Can't look past another genius video blog from The Atheist, this one a tribute to the extraordinary Adam Gilchrist.

Documentary Feature
Goes to the arse-kick that Chinaman of The Silly Points served his critics, including some bastards who stole his website and the moderators at the BBC's 606 forum. Here's to standing up for yourself!

Art Direction
Andrew Symonds' hip-and-shoulder of a naked man. I heard the WAAPA interpretive dance students are studying it next semester. Thank you, Andrew. Thank you.

Music (Song)
So it's over 12 months old, but these are my awards and damn it I am running out of ideas.

Plus it's bloody funny.

Sound Editing
When Jrod launched his podcasts the world stood still. This is his third. I can't actually remember what was in it, but I commented on it so it must have been good. Unlike the 13th, 11th, 5th, which received no comments. That said, I'm sure they too are joyous.

Foreign Language Film
Unfortunately, like many 'foreign language' films, the footage of the winner in this category is not forthcoming. However, the award goes to Andrew Flintoff, on any given day. One day we will understand what this man has been saying. But not yet. Not yet.

It's just lucky that to appeal a wicket he only has to shout. Otherwise he'd be in big trouble.

In lieu of his pearls of wisdom, here is a photo of him leaving court.

Nice sunnies bro.

Film Editing
The Australian selectors win this for being shit. They all deserve to be fired and replaced by people who have some common sense (have I mentioned that there is, in fact, nothing whatsoever common about common sense?). As a matter of urgency they need to be given DVD copies of the fifth Test at the Oval in 05, copies of Vaughan's and Flintoff's biographies, and forced to live in one of the English enclaves near me. While they're away can someone remove the old black and white photos from the 1990s from their big oaky meeting room. Those days are gone. Replace them with photos of Vaughan hoisting the urn and Ponting crying. That'd give anyone nightmares, and might, just might, kick them into doing their job properly.

Actor in a Leading Role
Dark horse this one, but it's everyone's favourite South African, Kevin Pietersen. Sure, England have to recruit foreigners to be any good, but he is and he's had a decent year. I think he's a git as much as anyone else, but I think his captaincy is the best thing that has happened to English cricket in a while. And as an Aussie with an impending Ashes series and a team that's not up to scratch, that's rather unnerving.

The ads of the IPL were fabulous. Difficult to choose a winner, it kind of depended on what was available on youtube, as the IPL are precious bastards. Can't go much past this anyway... (though if I'd found some decent footage of slip fielders...)

Actress in a Leading Role
Michael Vaughan. Who could forget the tears shed by England's bemulleted captain as he stepped down. He looked like the ground was falling away beneath him, and in doing so brought raucous laughter to watchers of cricket the world over.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay)
The super over to find a winner in the tied match between New Zealand and the West Indies last week. What the hell was that about? If you missed it, here it is. Also of note is that skipper Vettori was gifted a razor for Christmas.

Writing (Original Screenplay)
The decline of Australia this year. The first home series loss in 16 years. Losing two of the last three series for the first time in 18 years. Losing 2-0 to the number 2 and number 3 ranked teams. Winning only five out of 14 tests this year, four of which were against the bottom two teams (thanks, Q).

Had to find room for an Aussie somewhere and things have been thin on the ground for our cap'n of late. So this one goes to Shane Warne, for both captaining and coaching his IPL team, the Rajasthan Royals, to victory in the inaugural IPL. I don't care much for Twenty20 cricket, nor Shane Warne, but that's impressive. Most impressive.

Best Picture
Maybe it's because the most recent sticks in my mind, but who could go past the epic disaster Australia has suffered at the hands of the Saffers? They will be the ICC's number 1 ranked team before the summer is out. Congratulations South Africa, the Best Picture Oscar is yours. You're in good company with Titanic, Forrest Gump and Shakespeare in Love.

Happy New Year - thanks for reading.

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