Saturday, February 28, 2009

My Joernaal - The Wanderers, day three

Fuck.

Bloody AB. Always upstaging me. If the stupid man hadn't given me out, that would have been me, in my rightful place as century maker. Little shit.

Other than that I'm not too fazed. We will win. I will make a hundred this innings. We will be number one. And when we are I will be the first in line to give Ponting that patronising handshake. Oh yes. And AB will know his place.

I don't need to get revenge on Johnson now either. 96 n.o. is punishment enough for any bowler. It'll never happen again. I laughed for hours.

I got a letter from Minki on Wednesday, a postcard from Norway.

Deer Graem,
I hope your feelng beterr after ur surjerry en I hope u beet those Ossies.
I think of u sumtimes. Alle voorspoed.
Minx.

Damn I miss her.

I had a ham sandwich for lunch. It was delicious.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Not the one

The head of SBS has told a senate estimates hearing it will pay back a $15-million loan to broadcast the Ashes over the next five years.
SBS secured the rights to the cricket series to be held later this year, to ensure it can be viewed on free-to-air television.
But the broadcaster does not have the cash to pay for the rights up-front.

The most important fact that can be gleamed from this information is that SBS showing the cricket means Channel 9 won't be.

Praise be to Sehwag!

Hell, I'd pass the hat around to raise $15 million for this cause.

I wonder, seeing as they're doing it on the cheap, if they are looking for commentators.

Will commentate for seat in media spaceship. And food. And an audience with Michael Vaughan Brendon McCullum Mitchell Johnson. And one photo with a Baggy Green.

Deal?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

That's our boy

I thought, prior to extolling the virtues of Adam Voges, I should check that he's not actually a closet Kiwi or something (especially seeing as I almost accused Graeme Smith of having no fans in my last post).

As it turns out, he was born in the very suburb I'm writing this in.


Western Australians. Is there anything we can't do?*




*Rhetorical question, please do not answer.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Got fans?

These numbers are a few weeks old, but if you've ever wondered how the Facebook community rallies around certain players, wonder no more.

Kevin Pietersen - 6,689
Daniel Vettori - 1, 049
Ricky Ponting - 4,922
Dale Steyn - 1,587
Anil Kumble - 1,633
Andrew Flintoff - 4,496
Brian Lara - 11,429
AB De Villiers - 3,344
Sachin Tendulkar - 24,440
Michael Clarke - 2,183
Shivnarine Chanderpaul - 5,614
Mitchell Johnson - 3,854
Graeme Smith - 257

I saved the best until last. I'd say "let's all have a chuckle," except that in the interest of some sort of accuracy I decided to double-check.

In the five weeks since I compiled this list the dude has gained some 4,000 fans. Way to spoil my fun.

Genuine respect or the greatest Facebook stack of all time? You be the judge.

Too much cricket?

I have immersed myself in reading about the finer points of cricket over the last few days.

And then this happened (psychoanalyse me, do what you will. I already know I am mad):

I turned up at the WACA and realised I was wearing sandals. Oops.

I made call after call trying to get through to my parents to ask them to bring my joggers.

But no one was answering. I managed to get through to my cousin at the same time I saw an old primary school friend with feet as big as mine, who agreed to lend me her shoes.

Then I had race back to my car, which I'd hastily parked illegally, to try and find somewhere to park it properly, but of course all the carparks were full. I really didn't want to get a parking ticket - surely Ricky Ponting didn't have this problem?

All the while I was thinking what the fuck am I doing here? Surely there was someone else, thousands of someone elses, hundreds of thousand in fact, who should be doing this.

Sure I had had some insignificant role in a couple of Twenty20 matches recently, but this was a One Dayer. Didn't they know how horribly unfit I am? I'd struggle to run from one end of the field to the other, and I was meant to stay out there all friggin day?

And why was I wearing my own One Day shirt? It wasn't the right uniform and not even the right colour. And was it ok to wear a skirt? No one had told me otherwise.

I was frantically searching the internet on my phone, looking for an official squad list, looking for confirmation that this was all a joke. But Google failed me.

I was doomed to make a complete arse of myself in front of the cricketing world.

It was worse than the dream where you turn up to school sans pants, because I didn't like most of the people I went to school with. This was a nightmare.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

A song for Andrew

Hello everyone, Full Tosser here. Whilst driving along and listening to Flight of the Conchords (in particular: Cheer Up Murray) I had this idea, why not match the sadness that must be being felt by Andrew Strauss to this song, and here is what was produced. The clip is the song, with the lyrics changed for poor ole Straussy underneath. Enjoy :)



Cheer up Andrew , don’t let it get you down,

Pick yourself up, off the ground,

It’s gonna be…. Alright :)

Cheer up Andrew; you look a little sad,

Your life ain’t so bad, just think of all the good times.
Remember your thirty first birthday; you threw a great big party.

And all of your friends were there for you: Bell, Vaughn and Freddie.

They brought you a cake in the shape of lions by three,

‘cos they all thought you were pommy…
You’ve got some runs, didn’t you Andrew

You got lots of runs, a couple of years ago.

You’ve got some kids, don’t you Andrew

Best thing you’ve produced in years

(and you didn’t do it on your own)

And you’ve got a job,

you’ve got all of your limbs,
you’ve got a shit house team,

that you’re expected to lead

You’re good at bein’ fucked, by the ECB

You’ve got good form, but it mostly goes….

KP doesn’t return your calls, he doesn’t return your calls.

The ECB will call you softy balls, they call you softy balls.

Those people don’t know what they see, they just see softy balls.

Softy balls.
Cheer up Andrew, it’s time to forget,

Your team scored 51 outta the nets,

Let’s go train on an esky…

Cheer up Andrew so nothing goes your way, it’s the same everyday

Well tomorrow is another day….



Monday, February 9, 2009

Snippet of gold

You'd all be aware of England's gorgeous 51-run innings in Jamaica over the weekend.

Don't be mean.

They were just doing their bit for comic relief. Lord knows we could all do with it at the moment, whether it's flood, snow or fire. So don't hold it against them.

In fact, I for one am thankful.

Something did grab my attention today though.

The front page of The Australian's sport section. It goes through the details of England's loss in the West Indies, but one paragraph stood out, and made my day.

Strauss took over from South African-born egomaniac Kevin Pietersen, whose three-Test reign ended in forced resignation when he discovered, much to his surprise, that he wasn't the only person in English cricket who mattered.

It wasn't an opinion piece, it wasn't a letter to the editor. It was editorial - sardonic to the brim, and a brilliant summing up of the situation in less than fifty words.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Allan Border Medal 2009

Michael Clarke and Ricky Ponting have tied to win the Allan Border Medal.

I can't believe that.

Actually I can.

Australian cricket has made so many poor choices over the last few months that nothing surprises me anymore.

It should have been Mitch. And not just because he looks good in boardies.

Nathan Bracken was the One Day player and Michael Clarke the Test player.

I want to know who Brett Lee turned up with. It was not me.

But Ponting? Ponting? He has lead us to so many critical defeats, he is jumping ship, he isn't accountable, he's not the Punter he used to be, and the clock is definitely ticking for him.

He should not have accepted it. He should have said "no way man, this isn't cool, I don't deserve this, I've played like shit." Don't encourage the man's mediocrity.

Who's living in the past? Oh, we are.

And Rianna Ponting is too, it would seem. She turned up in a toga.

Thanks to Moses for keeping me posted.

Sunday, February 1, 2009

In which I am angry and ranty

Right. Yes. Well. Losing to New Zealand... that's something that's going to take a little getting used to.

Though, after our pitiful innings, I thought it would be over very quickly and I could go home and watch the Oz Open final. But I forgot it was New Zealand we were playing, so the whole thing was long and drawn out and nearly painful, until it came down to the wire.

Australia looked utterly half-arsed from the outset. Like they were batting in a Test match but running like a Twenty20.

To their credit, they seemed to get themselves together a bit in the field. But their batting SUCKED. Ponting and Clarke were both run out. Ponting wasn't even stretched or have his bat pushed far in front of him or LEAP to make it across the line. He didn't look like he was even trying!

And then with our early bowling breakthroughs it was clear that they are no South Africa, but was it the proverbial park walk? No.

And somehow, somehow, they crept up and home.

Did we deserve to lose? Absolutely.

Are we screwed? I think so.

Is New Zealand better than England? I doubt it.

So we are really screwed? Potentially, uber-screwed.

And what is with our uniforms? What possessed the designers to take every shit idea since 1981 and combine them and then make it multi-coloured?

Feckin hell.