Dear Michael,

You’re far too vain.

More interested in the trappings of your fame and fortune; promotions and sponsorship than Test cricket.

Too ensconced in celebrity culture.

You won’t accept responsibility. There will always be an excuse, even when the truth is that we just weren’t good enough. We’ll be stuck in the doldrums for at least the next decade.

Lara.

The team has already succumbed to mediocrity, but you won’t take it seriously enough; when underperforming, you’ll laugh it off. On Twitter.

Your form sucks. How can you lead by example?

You won’t show good sportsmanship. In fact you probably won’t show any.

There's your gauntlet. Prove me wrong. I implore you.