Test matches and OBEs and Engerland. And South Africa.

The third Test starts tomorrow.

I know. I too am struggling to contain my excitement.

To mark this occasion, here is a post written by my esteemed friend Angus on his most excellent blog, which he has kindly let me re-post here.

It's about an incident back in 2005. Something happened back then, now what was it... oh yes, that's right.

We lost the Ashes.

OBEs for EVERYBODY!!!!!

I think I speak for all of us when I say that beating South Africa in sporting contests is one of Australia's three most solemn duties (the other two are beating New Zealand at Rugby Union, and preserving the memory of Gallipoli).

Beating England is not solemn - it's a raucous affair. But beating South Africa is important, it is crucial, and it is satisfying.

I was speaking to Miss Field a while ago - who has been keeping another blog hidden in plain sight - about why losing to South Africa in Australia was less painful than losing to England in 2005 (in England).

Here are my top reasons why losing to England in 2005 was so hard to take:

1) The series of coincidences that went England's way

2) Australia could not have played ANY worse, we were lacking our best fast bowler (we dominated the one Test he played), and we still only lost the series by two runs.

3) England's team was full of crap players who played much better than they ever had or ever would again to fluke wickets and runs.

4) They treated a marginal 2-1 series victory as if THEY HAD RE-WON WORLD WAR II.

5) The English players went back to being crap within 24 hours of the final Test.

But one of the hardest things to take was something Miss Field pointed out: that any time an Australian mentioned that perhaps the English were over-reacting by giving their players OBEs for winning two Test matches, we were accused of being sore losers.

Ashley Giles. Useless cricketer. OBE.

It was not a great time to be an Australian cricket fan. Just like this past summer against South Africa. However, here are the key reasons why losing to South Africa is not as painful as that horrible 2005:

1) South Africa were the better team. Australia played badly again, but we had our chances to win it and we bottled it. We can acknowledge better teams.

2) The Proteas' performances were not flukes, and their players were not in some kind of never-to-be-repeated Indian summer. They had built their form up over the past few years.

3) They didn't carry on like flamin' galahs after they won two Test matches. Whatever the equivalent of the South African OBE is, they didn't give it to a bunch of blokes who did the job they're paid large amounts of money just to get done.

4) We recognise that our team is in transition and we're willing to cut them some more slack.

5) We've just gone and handed them a defeat on their home soil with three of our blokes playing their first Test.

The Ashes in 2005 will always be a bad memory, but hopefully, one day, Flintoff and Vaughan and co will come out and say "you know what, I probably didn't deserve to be made a member of the Order of the British Empire for barely winning two cricket matches." And I'd like to think that I will be around to say "EXACTLY!"

Hey BlackCaps

Sooooo.

New Zealand.

They've got some issues.

Of the 14 Tests they played this year, they won four. Three against Bangladesh.

Top effort, lads!

Actually I feel a bit sorry for Daniel Vettori. He's alright. It's a bit like seeing Andrew Flintoff treading water during the Ashes (except he's not alright). But you can't carry your team around for ever. Nor should you be expected to.

Actually he's said some pretty amusing things lately (Vettori that is. Historians are still trying to deciper Flintoff's post match media conferences of two years ago. The ones he turned up to.).

"The game is called Twenty20, it's not called one1. We don't want to dilute it too much."

"Getting eased away for four can be a little bit of a heartbreaker."

"What's wrong with a tie, I have no issues with it."

"It's just sometimes the ground is not big enough for Chris Gayle."

Just imagine that in a Kiwi accent.

He sounds a bit upset. See in two Twenty20 matches both were ties, which I think is pretty amazing. But to determine a winner this happened -

Trialled for the first time in an international match, the Super Over has each team nominate three batsmen to face an over against one bowler from the opposing side. If two batsmen are dismissed inside the over, the innings is considered complete.

What?

Sounds kinda lame to me. I agree with the Kiwi, what's wrong with a tie? Though I wonder if he'd said it if they hadn't lost the "Super" over. Somehow it was his fault for not getting 26 runs in the "Super" over. That's funny too... New Zealand lost the match after Vettori failed to chase 26 runs in an over. Love it.

To me this sounds like "If a Twenty20 ends in a tie, we play an over of baseball to see who wins."

And that ain't cricket!

Retired crickets: more interesting than the current ones

The News tonight -

Glenn McGrath:

"I still back our boys any day so my prediction is still three-nil."

He's so funny! Except the time before the last time that happened... well, you know. I don't want to talk about it.

And then Justin Langer says he wishes he was playing in this series to exact his vengeance on Ntini.

And then they showed a shot of Michael Clarke inspecting pink stumps.

And then back to Glenn, saying how proud he is that they're renaming Ladies' Day 'Jane McGrath Day', and his surprise that something at the SCG was named after her instead of him.

Obviously no one cares what current players have to say about things. I guess when it's Michael Clarke on offer, that's no surprise.

And then there was Alastair Cook, complete with eyeliner, saying that the England players would be donating half of their match fees to the families of those attacks in Mumbai.

I'm no England fan.

But that's a cool gesture. Respect.

Therefore Cooky, it would seem, though almost as inarticulate as Freddie, has more to say than any of the current Australian players.

Interesting.

Don't pretend to be surprised, that's called denial

When I first saw a picture of a teary Michael Vaughan my first thought was that he'd realised how stupid his hair looked and was making an apology to the world. Then I realised what a foolish notion that was - as if he'd think his hair looked stupid.

So I see he's resigned. How shocking. Are you shocked? You shouldn't be. Denial is not just a river in Egypt (hilarious, I know). And now that I've been able to stop laughing at the resignation and apparent surprise, I can write about how Kevin Pietersen should be England's next captain.

If they want the Ashes back, he's their only hope.

So, they will pick Andrew Strauss.

When England won the Ashes in 2005, the good Poms went crazy for cricket. It was great to see.

But the soccer mob was not happy about it. They threatened the ECB, told them if they ever won an Ashes series again they would take their firstborn grandchild (because all the ECB are old) and spin the kid into gold for Australia's one day uniforms. And then hobble the entire cricket team.

The ECB did not want this to happen. They could handle losing the Ashes, but if there was no cricket team to play (because they had no feet), they couldn't even contest the Ashes, and then they would have no jobs. Bugger the grandkids.

If they'd really thought it through they'd have realised that the police would have caught on if every single player was mysteriously hobbled. But they didn't think about it.

So they installed Andrew Flintoff as captain. He didn't let them down. They lost five-nil.

But the public (especially the public who had spent not-so-small fortunes on getting to Australia to watch the series) were not happy, and Flintoff had to go. So they thought they'd get one up on the mob, and attempted to hobble him themselves. It didn't work, but it kept him sidelined for a while.

And then Vaughan returned from injury. England's favourite son, who would lead them to victory once more. Unfortunately, the selectors knew he was a liability if they were to keep their jobs and their teams' feet. So what did they do? They told Vaughan about the threat. And what did he do? He cried and ran away.

Plus he was rubbish. A mediocre-at-best player whose leadership skills made up for his lack of playing ability, who made promises he couldn't keep, saw poor performances as being acceptable and couldn't justify his arrogance with results.

So if you've ever wondered about dodgy selections, suspicious injuries or early retirements, now you know why.

In order to fail again, Strauss is their man. Not their only man, one of ten in fact.

I want KP to be the next captain because he's hot, and I for one would like to see that angsty power struggle of captains that would exist between he and Ricky Ponting/Graeme Smith/Daniel Vettori. Can you imagine Stuart Broad in such a fashion? I thought not.

Also, because he's the only one who really seems to have a winning attitude (and if you hadn't noticed, this lack of winning attitude is what annoys me about England the most, and in a supreme fashion). But, and for the same reason, I don't want him to be captain.

Hands off those Ashes. Flounder away.

This one's for you, Vaughany.

An ode to The England

Welcome to Miss Field's guest blogger, The Full Tosser's second post:

If you can name the title of this song and who sings the real version you will score a prize!

Best of luck and enjoy:

LIKE A FLINTOFF FROWN
(A song about the most recent Ashes series)

Once upon a time you felt so fine
You crushed the Aussie pride, down the line, didn't you?
People'd call, say, "Beware now, they ain't minnows"
You thought they were all kiddin' you
You used to laugh about
Every ball that was, laying about
Now you don't chant so loud
Now you don't look so proud
About having to be scrounging for your next wicket

How does it feel?
How does it feel?
To be five nil down
Not able to turn it around
Like a Flintoff frown

You've gone to Adelaide Oval all right, scored big
But ya know ya gonna need to, keep the lead
And nobody has ever taught you how to swing that ball here
And now you find out you're gonna have to, give up the lead
You thought it'd never, come to this
But with Warney, Ponting and Gilchrist
They're not selling any Pommy Pride
As they stare into the vacuum of your eyes
And say, is that now two nil...?

How does it feel?
How does it feel?
To be five nil down
Not able to turn it around
Like a Flintoff frown

You always turned around to see the frowns of the Barmy crowd
When they all came down and shouted, chants for you
You never understood that you ain't no good
You should let other people tell you, what to do
You used to think that it would, somehow get better
But three then four and five nil then you ain't the winner
Ain't it hard when you discover that
Ian Bell was a twat
After he fucked up everything he could fuck up....

How does it feel?
How does it feel?
To be five nil down
Not able to turn it around
Like a Flintoff frown

Panesar in the stands and all the Pommy people
They're drinkin', thinkin' that they got it made
Exchanging all kinds of rhymes
But you'd better lift your retard head, it'd better dawn hey
You used to think that you're unbeatable
But Ricky in his Baggy Green and his pride too
Go to hell now, it sucks to be you, you can't refuse
When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose
You're shamed now, you got no pride to conceal

How does it feel?
How does it feel?
To be five nil down
Not able to turn it around
Like a bum in a crowd
Like a Flintoff frown

More from the realm of recent happenings

I thought it was hilarious that last night on the news, when Beau Casson was being interviewed (and there was the little caption under on the bottom of the screen"Beau Casson - Australian spinner") and someone asked him how he felt when he got the phone call, he said...

"Spun out."

He's a comedian!

And closet case Michael Clarke was named vice captain, yesterday or the day before or whenever it was. It's amazing to watch this young man jump on his team mates. Here he is, doing just that.
"Hey Lara!"

Given the chance I would do the same thing to Ricky Ponting... in a second, but... you know. Stop it Pup, you're embarrassing yourself.

The selections for this tour have been rather interesting because of who's been excluded. The absence of truck monkey has been pondered elsewhere in the country tonight. It's nice that someone remembers truck monkey. I assumed he was living in a hippie commune somewhere in the proximity of Byron Bay. I'm not sure why, but he could be.

Personally, I'm pretty pleased that our boy Shaun has been picked. He thanked the WA Cricket folk for suspending him after below par behaviour last year, and he said it was a wake up call. How many people would admit that?! What a champ. I know of a swimmer and an Olympic committee who could learn something from this situation.

Don't worry Theo, your time will come.

Anyway, it gets me thinking about who of the current international alumni may have offspring who will be successful cricketers. Probably not Justin Langer.

But more importantly, will Archie Gilchrist make the winning runs in the Ashes test that means we retain them for 26 years running? And will Corey Flintoff, the captain who was destined to work magic, shed tears for the Ashes that were always miles from his reach?

Ricky Ponting and Adam Gilchrist will be watching from somewhere I can't afford, sharing a beer (hopefully not the same one) and reminiscing. And somewhere across the field, Andrew and Rachael will be sitting (not together, no no that ended years ago) watching their boy's soul crumble like bits of wet cake. Andrew will feel guilty because, if it wasn't for him, Corey wouldn't have been under quite so much pressure and wouldn't be enduring this soul destroying moment.

But as he watches, Australia's captain (the youngest in a good long while too) Preston Lee jogs up to Corey and puts his arm around him, and although Andrew's brain may now resemble soup from years of too much alcohol, a memory stirs...
...and he glances across a few rows at his former wife, who understands, and smiles.

Is this the future? Only time will tell, but it's fun to speculate.

Open letter; why I should work for CA

Dear "The England",

Here in Australia, the summer of cricket needs a bit of refreshing. No I'm not asking you to mail any Hugo Boss products across, I am hoping you can find time in between beating the crap out of the Black Caps to visit. I know of 11 blokes who'd be pleased to see you.

You see, India bring controversy, Sri Lanka bring rain. You bring good sport. Think the Colosseum. Think Romans and Christians and gladiators and lions. Imagine the possibilities!

I propose at least one test match. India couldn't possibly have played five and so we have been denied the full lifeblood of our summer. If you can't find a spare five days (although I'm confident you'll only need to commit to three) between your rounds of golf and visiting Lord of the Rings sights, how about a one dayer?

At least it would let Gilly have one last chance of smashing sixes everywhere, and don't you want do your bit in giving him the fine send-off he deserves? For the purpose of making it a truly worthwhile exercise, please bring Andrew Flintoff. No one has perfected the gape in quite the manner he has (as demonstrated in December 2006). I'm sure Gilly would love it.

When I can't get home in time to watch Today Tonight, you help me see the funny side of life. Think Fawlty Towers... there's always someone worse off... oh really, I'd like to meet him, I could do with a laugh. Indeed. Sleep well knowing you are that laugh. New Zealand clearly don't get the joke. So come to Australia, where you're fully appreciated.

We can even pass the hat around for a collection to buy you all some soap. And in a similar fashion, you can recycle all that charming convict rhetoric. The prospect of such gaiety is surely irresistible.

Aren't you up for the challenge? Surely your seasonal 'secret weapon' hasn't injured himself yet. In fact your secret weapon is yet to reveal who he is. Perhaps you've been saving him, waiting for an offer like this. Well, bring it on.

Yours sincerely,

Miss Field for Cricket Australia