Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Got a beef with Sri Lanka?
1. coincidence
2. deliberately targeted by the 'terrorists' Cricket Australia want to avoid by not letting the Aussies tour there
3. deliberately targeted by 'terrorists' hired by Cricket Australia (and maybe pitched in for by other cricket boards who don't let their teams tour there) to make their point
4. Roy did it
Will we ever know the truth? Will Roy ever be sobre enough to own up? Will Australia ever tour Pakistan?
I think the answer is clear to at least one of those questions.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Shut up Roy
It's tongue in cheek. Usually it's a politician who declares something to be un-Australian, when there's no other means of condemnation.
Andrew Symonds has declared the treatment of Matt Hayden by the media to be un-Australian.
No Roy, this has not been a 'trial by media'. The failure is there for one and all to see.
And what did Hayden have to say for himself on the news tonight?
"There's more to being in the team than how many runs you make."
Actually, when you're an opening batsman, I'd say there's not a lot else for him to be concerned about.
He's scored a grand total of 56 runs in his last six innings. Roy, that ain't the media's fault.
For your curiosity, I have compiled a list of a few things that are damn well un-Australian.
Not liking Kylie
Being from Tassie
Not eating a meat pie on grand final day
Calling soccer 'football'
Knowing the words to the national anthem
Losing the Boxing Day Test
Not taking Vegemite on your TopDeck tour
Not knowing that a thong is footwear
Liking Sydney more than Melbourne
Not shedding a tear on Anzac Day, pacifist or not
Not using the word Pom
Not shortening everything to end in o
Calling a koala a 'koala bear'
Not learning to swim or drive
Not liking Midnight Oil
Not going to Bali
Voting in local government elections
Not liking Young Einstein
Using 'alright' as a greeting
Australia Day not being your favourite day of the year
Not appreciating Kath and Kim
Being a cadbury
Not knowing what a cadbury is
Shagging your best mate's brother
Not knowing who Don Bradman was
Sally Robbins lying down during the Olympic rowing final
Losing the Ashes
Not drinking your tea through a Tim Tam
Whingeing
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Brad Hodge - self-fulfilling prophecy
He is also a dickhead.
"I prove myself so often and tonight I just did it again, DID ANYONE SEE?!?!?!?!"
This behaviour annoys me, and if the young fool stopped and thought about it he might realise that talk like that might impact his selection chances.
Here are some more quotes (real) from this pillock. My favourite bit is in bold.
"I'm not really sure where I stand at the moment but all I can do is the same thing which I've done for a good decade now and that's make runs and continue to do what I do best and help Victoria."
"(But Andrew Symonds) hasn't set the world on fire in the short (time) since he's been playing domestic cricket. I suppose that's the criteria for getting selected to represent your country."
"We've always been in similar situations, myself and Simon (Katich). Opportunities have been scarce and I'm happy for him he's finally got a run at it over a decent period of time, something I've never got an opportunity at I guess."
"Probably time's not on my side but there are other forms of the game which come around and as you can see my skills are still high."
"I don't think you ever really give up the dream or ambition until you get a tap on the shoulder, sometimes the writing is on the wall."
"I don't necessarily see it that way but as long as I'm playing good cricket and continuing to strive hard, you never know."
Bloody Victorians.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Crack out the zinc
He was sent to club cricket, so heinous was crime fishing in work time. CLUB CRICKET. And then he played for Queensland. And not particularly well, yet he's still been recalled to the Test squad.
Don't get me wrong. We need something. Something has to help. And personally, I think Andrew Symonds cures all. But I think, if he was going to get banished, fishing in work time shouldn't have been the cover story.
He should have hit a woman. Except Ricky Ponting did that, and his punishment wasn't anywhere what near this one.
So, he should have hit a woman during work time.
Anyway, it'll be nice to see sexy back. Red just isn't his colour.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Queenslanders, funny buggers
1-8 , 2-9, 3-13, 4-14, 5-14, 6-16, 7-22, 8-34.
They were all out for 62. Tasmania needed 193 to win, but in the end they were 48 runs short and Queensland won the match.
To me this says more about Tasmania's ineffectuality than Queensland's ability, even if Queensland did have Andrew Symonds playing. It's good to see Roy playing at state level. It was so depressing to hear he was playing at club level a week or so back. And SO wrong. And, you know, imagine being the poor bastard who had to face him, batting or bowling. I'd have run for the hills.
If someone could tell me what Tasmania is good at... or for, please go ahead!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
It's Miss Field, bitch
I've been sent back until my task is done.
And if you've emailed me or requested anything in the last few weeks, I know there have been a couple, link swaps and all, please re-request. I didn't mean to forget but I did.
September was a shit month for cricket. But who'd have thought it would take an email from New Zealand Cricket to get me motivated. Especially one that looks like this.
I mean please, who's going to take that seriously? Nonetheless, BLACKCAPS.com is back too. Contain that excitement, at once! I bet Dan Vettori was thrilled that they used that photo. In fact, with such exciting CAPITALISATION, you'd think they'd have an EXCLAMATION MARK. Oh, wait...
In an in-depth analysis of this new look with a friend from across the ditch, it was suggested that maybe New Zealand Cricket are trying to make him seem a little bit, well, tougher.
I'm not convinced. I think he looks more like he won $200 on Deal or No Deal than got Ricky Ponting out for a golden duck.
ANYWAY, cricket.
Australia in India. Look. We're gonna lose.
But the thing is, the most important thing of all, is not until next year. We can lose all the matches between now and then - though I'd prefer we didn't - and if it meant we retain the Ashes five-nil, it would be well worth it.
However, my goodness India shit me off. There's Ganguly ranting about how they'll clean sweep the series for sure (prove me wrong boys, I beseech thee).
There's some other prick accusing us of cheating. Sehwag. How dare he. What's that expression about stones and glass houses... or kettles and black pots. Eh? EH? Like we lower our standards to your standards.
Then there's Kumble pressing his hands over his ears and pretending he can't hear, instead of leading from the front and saying "OY VIRENDER, AT LEAST WAIT UNTIL THE MATCH HAS STARTED." Or maybe he's just a little embarassed to hear his own comments echoed months down the track, mmm?
Did I mention I'm going to India in November?
And they "dropped" Andrew Symonds, yeah very likely. I think "attitude problem" might be code for "protect him from deranged Indians", which I'm all for. Anyway it's worked out quite well really, he's had a fishing lure named after him. Seriously, what more could he want from life?
Finally, let's hope someone has had the foresight to tape Harbhajan Singh's mouth shut.
It's not the Ashes. But damn it would be good to kick butt.
Oh. And if you're an Irish engineer who's a 'follower' of this page, can I have your number?
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Outing the cricket demons
I think mine would probably be a wombat and be called Xanthius.
Lately I've been thinking about certain cricketers, and what form their dæmons would take.


Andrew and black panther Evangeline. Evangeline shows great restraint when Andrew is racially taunted, because if she wanted to, she could tear the throats out of his abusers in seconds. They enjoy watching Enough Rope on Monday nights.


Graeme and Merle, a black mamba. Merle is the king of the African snakes, and the largest of the poisonous. Two drops of her venom are enough to kill a human, and it happens within minutes by paralysis of the nervous system. That's our Graeme! Graeme and Merle love holidaying in the Caribbean, especially Antigua.

Paul and Marielle, a loyal jack russell terrier. They engage in debates about world affairs and can often be heard discussing international politics, especially the Middle East conflict. Marielle is terrified of flying.


Jesse and Brinlynn, a rather dull-witted black-faced sheep who was amused by Jesse's recent behaviour. The pair occasionally partake in cow tipping, and have been caught more than once. New Zealand cricket conveniently overlooked this disturbing hobby when selecting him.


Ricky and Kalandra, a hard-working, no-frills blue heeler who can round up sheep faster than Freddie Flintoff can round up mates to have a beer with. Kalandra secretly hates Princess Mary for becoming a more famous Tasmanian than Ricky. She knows Ricky deserves those New Idea covers.


Kevin and Tiessa are a force to be reckoned with. Together they form a one-in-a-million mutual admiration society. Tiessa thinks most English people are pillocks, and Kevin not-so-secretly agrees.
Tuesday, March 4, 2008
Andrew Symonds shares the love
Maybe he doesn't fancy him, I'd say it's 50-50 really. But I think, if you make a calculated decision to streak at a cricket match, you probably want to consider different options to running straight at Andrew Symonds, who is built like the proverbial brick shit house.
Oh well, I suppose if the cricket thing falls through, I'm sure there'd be a spot for Andy in the Wallabies' team. And the streaker could sell his story to Today Tonight.Apparently the fine for streaking at the 'Gabba is $3000. Here in Perth, it's $5000, so I'd say that's a bargain if your heart's greatest desire is to declare your love for an uber sexy, ultra tank cricketer in front of tens of thousands of people... naked. Just don't expect a warm welcome, especially if you're a bloke.
So not even 20 overs in we're five wickets down and need a hundred and something to win. Stranger things have happened, but based on our recent record I'd say it's not looking too good. But I have faith.
Monday, February 25, 2008
Classic cracking captions
"Getting ripped off... under paid... getting sold... second hand... that's how it goes... betraying your homeland..." Michael Hussey and Nathan Bracken thought they were at the unveiling of the Bon Scott statue in Fremantle.
"Yeah go jump Ishant, I'm worth $440,000 more than you, which is what Ricky is worth, and enough to buy Miss Field a house."
You'll have to come up with your own caption for this one I'm afraid, everytime I look at it I become mysteriously distracted. Something along the "no hands!" lines would be appropriate I think.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
A few things
New Zealand's defeat of England has been covered far more eloquently than I could ever be.
"fucking village..."
"England: useless like a dead monkey"
"spectacularly... pathetically... feeble"
et al
However I feel it was cricinfo who summed it up best with this headline...
Ryder and McCullum trounce England.
Yep, that's right. A two-man squad could defeat England, and even without the backyard cricket rules.
Sri Lanka beat India and this made me ever so happy, especially after they suggested we are scared of them. Fools! It was a good day in Canberra today.
Also it looks like the Australian tour of Pakistan won't go ahead. I'm pleased with this. Cricket is not an island, nor do I believe it should be (unless it was just up from Antigua, I'd go there in the winter).
The actions of cricketers and cricket boards reverberate, and I think touring countries that are governed by suspicious regimes is seen to endorse said suspicious regimes, whether they mean to or not is irrespective. Plus it's just so unstable with opposition forces as well in Pakistan. If it's not safe it is just not worth the risk.
I'd die if something terrible happened to my Andrew. Or any of them.
Anyway. I've decided to quit my job and play bass guitar in a Wolfmother cover band. Have fun, ya'll.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Twenty20 fun on the hallowed turf
Imagine being at the MCG with that crowd! I went to a football game there last year and was in awe of the atmosphere, and it wasn't even my team playing. To have been there tonight, to see us demolish the Indians, and give Gilly a send-off, would have been something else. I didn't see any back-turning, although I doubt it would have been aired if it happened. But from what I saw the crowd seemed well behaved. And no cheerleaders (that I could see), praise the lord.
India played terribly and it was very disappointing. However, I would like to mention Virender Sehwag, who chatted to the commentary team, ala Gilchrist and Symonds. I think it's great that this happens, it's fun and adds a significant dimension of camaraderie for the television audience. Although, they were talking to Gilly just before he got out, so it could be very distracting, but it's his choice to do it. Anyway, when we played England, none of their players talked and it was quite disappointing (especially as Twenty20 is their creation). Balance is a good thing, and it makes things more interesting too. But not only did Sehwag join in, he said really nice things about Adam Gilchrist, and talked about his team's poor performance, and I imagine that must be quite a difficult thing to do when you're out in the middle of it all. Hurrah for Sehwag.
I also wonder why the other teams don't have their nicknames on the back of their shirts. I think it's good, although I did have a memory lapse trying to remember who Catfish is. A bit disappointing that David Hussey didn't get a bat, but he still did well. (Loved Mark Nicholas' comment "One of the Hussey boys is human! And it's... Michael!") Kudos to Adam Voges and Mr Wolf Blass, Brad Hodge, who is creeping up on my list of favourites.
A solid performance from Clarke and his boys. (First time I've said that. Feels funny). I know it's only Twenty20, but after the events of the last few weeks, especially the circus that was the appeal hearing, the best way to exact vengeance is by performing well, and we have done just that. You're only as good as your last game, and considering India are the Twenty20 world champions, I am quite impressed with our effort tonight.
Finally, on Sunday night I thought I'd look into getting tickets for the Aust/Sri Lanka ODI in Perth, and logged on and there were tickets available. When I went to work on Monday it said there were none left! Horrified at my poor timing, I rang TicketMaster and they said more might be released and to keep an eye out. Although he did say if it happened it would be closer to the day, at about 3:30 that afternoon I had an inkling, and logged on, and there were some available. It was my lucky day. I'm going to the game!
EDIT: My best mate Ruth has pointed out to me that Michael Vaughan actually did speak to the commentators during an Australia/England Twenty20. My mistake.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Ohh, we're halfway there...
Life's good.
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Roy the Destroyer
I wonder why this is. He's not in a political party, so it's not a matter of towing the party line. Surely Cricket Australia don't care much. They shouldn't. He's a free thinking person, I think it's admirable that he thinks there are more important things than cricket. Like world affairs. And safety!
And then he saved the game. What a champion.
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- A Little Golden Book Classic Tale
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- 3rd Test, 2nd Day, 2nd Session Aus vs SA
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