Don't pretend to be surprised, that's called denial

When I first saw a picture of a teary Michael Vaughan my first thought was that he'd realised how stupid his hair looked and was making an apology to the world. Then I realised what a foolish notion that was - as if he'd think his hair looked stupid.

So I see he's resigned. How shocking. Are you shocked? You shouldn't be. Denial is not just a river in Egypt (hilarious, I know). And now that I've been able to stop laughing at the resignation and apparent surprise, I can write about how Kevin Pietersen should be England's next captain.

If they want the Ashes back, he's their only hope.

So, they will pick Andrew Strauss.

When England won the Ashes in 2005, the good Poms went crazy for cricket. It was great to see.

But the soccer mob was not happy about it. They threatened the ECB, told them if they ever won an Ashes series again they would take their firstborn grandchild (because all the ECB are old) and spin the kid into gold for Australia's one day uniforms. And then hobble the entire cricket team.

The ECB did not want this to happen. They could handle losing the Ashes, but if there was no cricket team to play (because they had no feet), they couldn't even contest the Ashes, and then they would have no jobs. Bugger the grandkids.

If they'd really thought it through they'd have realised that the police would have caught on if every single player was mysteriously hobbled. But they didn't think about it.

So they installed Andrew Flintoff as captain. He didn't let them down. They lost five-nil.

But the public (especially the public who had spent not-so-small fortunes on getting to Australia to watch the series) were not happy, and Flintoff had to go. So they thought they'd get one up on the mob, and attempted to hobble him themselves. It didn't work, but it kept him sidelined for a while.

And then Vaughan returned from injury. England's favourite son, who would lead them to victory once more. Unfortunately, the selectors knew he was a liability if they were to keep their jobs and their teams' feet. So what did they do? They told Vaughan about the threat. And what did he do? He cried and ran away.

Plus he was rubbish. A mediocre-at-best player whose leadership skills made up for his lack of playing ability, who made promises he couldn't keep, saw poor performances as being acceptable and couldn't justify his arrogance with results.

So if you've ever wondered about dodgy selections, suspicious injuries or early retirements, now you know why.

In order to fail again, Strauss is their man. Not their only man, one of ten in fact.

I want KP to be the next captain because he's hot, and I for one would like to see that angsty power struggle of captains that would exist between he and Ricky Ponting/Graeme Smith/Daniel Vettori. Can you imagine Stuart Broad in such a fashion? I thought not.

Also, because he's the only one who really seems to have a winning attitude (and if you hadn't noticed, this lack of winning attitude is what annoys me about England the most, and in a supreme fashion). But, and for the same reason, I don't want him to be captain.

Hands off those Ashes. Flounder away.

This one's for you, Vaughany.

An ode to The England

Welcome to Miss Field's guest blogger, The Full Tosser's second post:

If you can name the title of this song and who sings the real version you will score a prize!

Best of luck and enjoy:

LIKE A FLINTOFF FROWN
(A song about the most recent Ashes series)

Once upon a time you felt so fine
You crushed the Aussie pride, down the line, didn't you?
People'd call, say, "Beware now, they ain't minnows"
You thought they were all kiddin' you
You used to laugh about
Every ball that was, laying about
Now you don't chant so loud
Now you don't look so proud
About having to be scrounging for your next wicket

How does it feel?
How does it feel?
To be five nil down
Not able to turn it around
Like a Flintoff frown

You've gone to Adelaide Oval all right, scored big
But ya know ya gonna need to, keep the lead
And nobody has ever taught you how to swing that ball here
And now you find out you're gonna have to, give up the lead
You thought it'd never, come to this
But with Warney, Ponting and Gilchrist
They're not selling any Pommy Pride
As they stare into the vacuum of your eyes
And say, is that now two nil...?

How does it feel?
How does it feel?
To be five nil down
Not able to turn it around
Like a Flintoff frown

You always turned around to see the frowns of the Barmy crowd
When they all came down and shouted, chants for you
You never understood that you ain't no good
You should let other people tell you, what to do
You used to think that it would, somehow get better
But three then four and five nil then you ain't the winner
Ain't it hard when you discover that
Ian Bell was a twat
After he fucked up everything he could fuck up....

How does it feel?
How does it feel?
To be five nil down
Not able to turn it around
Like a Flintoff frown

Panesar in the stands and all the Pommy people
They're drinkin', thinkin' that they got it made
Exchanging all kinds of rhymes
But you'd better lift your retard head, it'd better dawn hey
You used to think that you're unbeatable
But Ricky in his Baggy Green and his pride too
Go to hell now, it sucks to be you, you can't refuse
When you got nothing, you got nothing to lose
You're shamed now, you got no pride to conceal

How does it feel?
How does it feel?
To be five nil down
Not able to turn it around
Like a bum in a crowd
Like a Flintoff frown

Ohh, we're halfway there...

Andrew Symonds has just got Harbhajan Singh out. Bon Jovi's Living on a Prayer is playing on the radio and I am reminded of the last Ashes series.

Life's good.