Att: board of selectors

Tonight there was no breaking news that Matthew Hayden is retiring.

Which means he's leaving it in the hands of others.

Here is a step by step guide to show the selectors how it's done... (it's really not that difficult).Step 1. Apply knife.

Step 2. Press.

Easy, and better for everyone.

Matthew Hayden: overstaying his welcome, one run-out at a time

I'm off on holidays for a few weeks tomorrow.

Before I go I just thought I'd share some parting wisdom in the form of... *drum roll*

My Solution to Australian Cricket Failure

1. Dump Shane Watson (been done, and not before time)
2. Dump Matthew Hayden (Ricky Ponting said today that Hayden has a place on the side for as long as he wishes to - bollocks to that I say)
3. Dump Ricky Ponting. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. But it's just not working out anymore. And well, we have bigger fish to fry than New Zealand. And if we lose the Ashes because he's being kind to Matthew Hayden, he will have a power greater than me to answer to.

Finally, seeing as we played in a terribly shitty fashion and still managed to beat the crap out of New Zealand, I recommend that New Zealand dump ALL their players, and pick up Watson, Hayden, Ponting... it would be a start.

For anyone interested in the 3 Mobile 'Men of Cricket' calendar, it's on sale now.

I also got to be on Hair of the Blog in Darwin last weekend, I will post the link up upon my return. I may or may have defined manliness as how good one looks in a cricket uniform.

Missing in action

According to my own list of upcoming tours, we're expecting Bangladesh.

Has anyone told Bangladesh?

Are they on their way? Are they already here? Has it already happened?

Mmm. Controversial.

A brief exchange

I've been having an interesting Wall-to-Wall exchange with Spigot over on Facebook.

It's gone like this -

Spigot: You realise that as he (James Anderson) did it yesterday it's clearly obvious that he will do this every single day next summer...

Me: You hope.

Spigot: Well "you hope" sounds a lot better than "you wish"... I'll take that for now, you're clearly deeply unsettled over the Windies series...

While I have no doubt that Mr Spigot was not being serious (right?), I have noticed that some people of the English variety do seem to think that England's performance against New Zealand (and, to a lesser extent, Australia's performance against the West Indies) is a reflection of how the Ashes will fare next year.

I, however, see it as a reflection of how shoddy New Zealand are at the moment. England versus South Africa may be a better indication.

Although I suppose we should thank the Kiwis for luring the English into a false sense of security (I will personally thank Daniel Vettori later).

But even so, let's not pre-empt anything.

"Forget the Oz Open, get the VB open"

As we all know the Australians are playing in the West Indies at the moment.

It's nice to see the traditional gear as opposed to the gaud of the IPL and the glare of England's new outfits.

But seeing VB advertised on their shirts is disappointing.

Don't get me wrong, I like VB and as far as alcohol goes I drink just about anything.

However a big fuss has been made of late about binge drinking in this country - apparently it's 'out of control'.

As a result, the government has stuck a significant tax on lolly water drinks, Cruisers, Breezers, Ruskis, you know the ones.

But surely curbing the advertising, promotion and sponsorships for and of alcohol would be a more logical first step.

Is it cool to drink? Yes, but once upon a time it was cool to smoke. Not so anymore (at least in this country).

And whether or not we like it, I think that eventually the same bans will be implemented on alcohol advertising. I know, I love the Bundy Rum and Wolf Blass ads too.

So if we remove the advertising maybe it would have some impact, rather than just taxing the crap out of it.

Even if binge drinking wasn't spiralling upwards, I think this sort of promotion only encourages that sort of behaviour, which only contributes to such long term problems anyway.

After all, cigarette companies aren't allowed to sponsor or advertise, and for damn good reasons too. But ultimately those reasons and these reasons are the same.

As I said before, I like VB. And I lurve my talking Boony (itself a controversial promotion). But it's just not a good look.

The VB Dance - Brett was the V but Morton didn't want to play.

Woes and woefulness

A team is only as good as its last game. Sadly, this doesn't make us world champions. It makes us crap.

"The bottom line was we didn't get enough runs, we didn't bowl well enough or field well enough." - Ricky Ponting

Correct. These three deficiencies pretty much cover the whole game, so, it seems we've got some big problems.

Unfortunately though, a team needs to be lead from the front, and when the captain's form is poor, there's not much to be inspired by. And the vice-captain is leaving, so no one expects leadership from him.

I mean, apparently Ponting's been ripping into them about the collective performance. It needs to be done, yes, but could you help but sit there feeling a tiny bit mutinous and thinking "Well what about you, you tosser?"

And a mutinous team would make for a crap team. A team that can't bat or bowl or field to save its life. Or beat India. Or Sri Lanka.

It's not good when you're hoping that Sachin Tendulkar and Ishant Sharma's injuries will rule them out of the next final. That's not my team, that's not us. We should be better than that. I want us to be able to take on the best India has to offer and win. That's the Australian team I know.

And because of all the crap that's gone on this series, I want very much for us to win. The best way to stick it to someone is not by stooping to their level but by showing that you're better by kicking their arse.

I think our boys need to go back and train in the desert again. It did the trick perfectly last time.

The bet of the year

Just to bring the bet back to the forefront, ideas are still being sought.

Some good ones have come through, but the more the merrier. At this point we think the loser will have to go to a match with a t-shirt proclaiming their love for their least favourite player. And as everyone knows, my least favourite player is Michael Vaughan.

But we'd still like suggestions... if England finish #2 (or #1) in the ICC test rankings by the end of the year, what would you like to see me do?

Sri Lankan cricketers bring rain, catatonia

Oh no!

As I was driving to the train station this morning I saw a big, black front approaching from the east that resembled the mothership from Independence Day. And from the west, giant CB clouds that look like the clouded mountain in The Amber Spyglass.

It’s going to rain! At least the clouded mountain mothership will provide me with shade.

Also, I read this a few days ago and thought it was interesting.

Sri Lankan Captain Mahela Jayawardene says his team has a great chance of victory in Perth on Friday because he believes Australian players have lost their self belief in close matches.

While I hope this isn't the case, and it goes without saying that he's trying to talk us down in hope it'll affect our performance, I think he might have a point.

The last couple of games you could see that the effort was consistent, we didn’t just lie down when the going got really tough. But that said, the self-belief is different. There have been games where the self-belief and the effort have coupled (with ability, of course) to enable the boys to pulls off monumental and impressive victories.

But is the effort without the confidence enough? The team has been criticised relentlessly in the last few weeks for being arrogant, a term that implies over-confidence. Maybe the critics have been successful in shreading the confidence away. And so there have been losses.

However, this isn’t to say that a) the quality of the opposition hasn’t been enough alone to defeat us, and b) we just didn’t play well enough.

Roll on 1330.

Open letter; why I should work for CA

Dear "The England",

Here in Australia, the summer of cricket needs a bit of refreshing. No I'm not asking you to mail any Hugo Boss products across, I am hoping you can find time in between beating the crap out of the Black Caps to visit. I know of 11 blokes who'd be pleased to see you.

You see, India bring controversy, Sri Lanka bring rain. You bring good sport. Think the Colosseum. Think Romans and Christians and gladiators and lions. Imagine the possibilities!

I propose at least one test match. India couldn't possibly have played five and so we have been denied the full lifeblood of our summer. If you can't find a spare five days (although I'm confident you'll only need to commit to three) between your rounds of golf and visiting Lord of the Rings sights, how about a one dayer?

At least it would let Gilly have one last chance of smashing sixes everywhere, and don't you want do your bit in giving him the fine send-off he deserves? For the purpose of making it a truly worthwhile exercise, please bring Andrew Flintoff. No one has perfected the gape in quite the manner he has (as demonstrated in December 2006). I'm sure Gilly would love it.

When I can't get home in time to watch Today Tonight, you help me see the funny side of life. Think Fawlty Towers... there's always someone worse off... oh really, I'd like to meet him, I could do with a laugh. Indeed. Sleep well knowing you are that laugh. New Zealand clearly don't get the joke. So come to Australia, where you're fully appreciated.

We can even pass the hat around for a collection to buy you all some soap. And in a similar fashion, you can recycle all that charming convict rhetoric. The prospect of such gaiety is surely irresistible.

Aren't you up for the challenge? Surely your seasonal 'secret weapon' hasn't injured himself yet. In fact your secret weapon is yet to reveal who he is. Perhaps you've been saving him, waiting for an offer like this. Well, bring it on.

Yours sincerely,

Miss Field for Cricket Australia

Twenty20 fun on the hallowed turf

I do love it when we win. I'm so proud to be Australian, for more reasons than just cricket, but cricket is one reason.

Imagine being at the MCG with that crowd! I went to a football game there last year and was in awe of the atmosphere, and it wasn't even my team playing. To have been there tonight, to see us demolish the Indians, and give Gilly a send-off, would have been something else. I didn't see any back-turning, although I doubt it would have been aired if it happened. But from what I saw the crowd seemed well behaved. And no cheerleaders (that I could see), praise the lord.

India played terribly and it was very disappointing. However, I would like to mention Virender Sehwag, who chatted to the commentary team, ala Gilchrist and Symonds. I think it's great that this happens, it's fun and adds a significant dimension of camaraderie for the television audience. Although, they were talking to Gilly just before he got out, so it could be very distracting, but it's his choice to do it. Anyway, when we played England, none of their players talked and it was quite disappointing (especially as Twenty20 is their creation). Balance is a good thing, and it makes things more interesting too. But not only did Sehwag join in, he said really nice things about Adam Gilchrist, and talked about his team's poor performance, and I imagine that must be quite a difficult thing to do when you're out in the middle of it all. Hurrah for Sehwag.

I also wonder why the other teams don't have their nicknames on the back of their shirts. I think it's good, although I did have a memory lapse trying to remember who Catfish is. A bit disappointing that David Hussey didn't get a bat, but he still did well. (Loved Mark Nicholas' comment "One of the Hussey boys is human! And it's... Michael!") Kudos to Adam Voges and Mr Wolf Blass, Brad Hodge, who is creeping up on my list of favourites.

A solid performance from Clarke and his boys. (First time I've said that. Feels funny). I know it's only Twenty20, but after the events of the last few weeks, especially the circus that was the appeal hearing, the best way to exact vengeance is by performing well, and we have done just that. You're only as good as your last game, and considering India are the Twenty20 world champions, I am quite impressed with our effort tonight.

Finally, on Sunday night I thought I'd look into getting tickets for the Aust/Sri Lanka ODI in Perth, and logged on and there were tickets available. When I went to work on Monday it said there were none left! Horrified at my poor timing, I rang TicketMaster and they said more might be released and to keep an eye out. Although he did say if it happened it would be closer to the day, at about 3:30 that afternoon I had an inkling, and logged on, and there were some available. It was my lucky day. I'm going to the game!

EDIT: My best mate Ruth has pointed out to me that Michael Vaughan actually did speak to the commentators during an Australia/England Twenty20. My mistake.