Australia wins again!

You may recall that superblogger Suave declared that his England would finish second in the ICC test rankings by the end of this year.

Well he lost.

Yes, no surprises. Not even Kevin Pietersen could redeem that lot.

More importantly, it struck me that damnit he year has passed rather quickly. It was January, then June, then September, and now Christmas and cricket time. Hurrah. I think there might have been other months in there somewhere. Maybe.

So because he lost, Suave has to humiliate himself in some fashion. This will more than likely involve him wearing a t-shirt of my design to a test match.

I've heard it said that it's a bad reflection upon society today that I'm making him humiliate himself. I say it's fun! Might even be worth a trip to the old grey country for a look myself.

We would like to reopen the suggestion box, and if you can think of a cracker slogan for a shirt for the dear boy, well, good on you. We'll use it and you'll receive... nothing.

So far "Graeme Smith's bitch" is sounding good. Or maybe "I love Matthew Hayden". Got a better idea?

Vive la Republique!

On a slightly different note...

...I just had to share this with y'll. I bolded my favourite bits. Hooray for sport.

Gloating British celebrate rare success

After 20 years of Olympic humiliation, the British have celebrated beating Australia's gold medal tally with all the restraint and good taste that you'd expect.

Tabloid UK newspaper The Sun hired tray-top trucks in both Sydney and London that were mounted with giant signs comparing Britain's (19) and Australia's (14) gold medal counts and driven around the respective cities.

Emblazoned across a Union Jack background was the question "Where the bloody hell were you?", referencing the Lara Bingle-led tourism ad campaign.

The signs also hint at Australia's relative "failure" in cycling, rowing and other sports in which the contestants sit down — events with obvious appeal to the British and where they accumulated the bulk of their gold.

The Sun even scoured London for an Australian called Bruce, finally cornering 48-year-old Bruce Howes in what they termed a "posh Kensington High Street" and confronting him with the rare defeat.

"We'll get you next time," he warned.

British expat Suzie O'Carroll, who forwarded a mobile phone photo of the truck driving along George St this morning to ninemsn, said she thought the Sun had been "pretty darn quick" in setting up the prank.

"I've heard that the bookies are offering odds of 4/7 on Britain getting more medals next time and the same odds of us beating Australia," she said.

"I'm sure the Aussies will pour everything into avoid that, but I think the GB will still come out on top."

Asked if she might rub in another victory for the motherland amongst Antipodean colleagues, Ms O'Carroll said: "Well, maybe just a little bit."

British excitement is understandable: it is the first time since the 1988 Seoul Olympics that the country has topped Australia's medal count.

The fervour has been further increased by the prospect of federal sports minister Kate Ellis wearing red, white and blue clothing to a sporting event involving the two countries as a result of a bet with her British equivalent Gerry Sutcliffe.

A spokesman for Ms Ellis said she had not yet decided when she would meet the obligation but "would be looking at the calendar in the coming months to see in which events the two nations clash".

Surely, as their population is three times ours, they should have collected three times as many gold medals? Logic? What is this logic?

Life on Mars?

I had this idea to write a post about how England, upon having reached an impressive score, would launch their strategy, trialled in a previous match, of tripping batsmen over and running them out.

This tactic would see them win for sure. And Vaughan would be responsible, so we wouldn't have to endure Paul Collingwood sooking it up at a press conference ("Mummy!").

However it would seem that contrary to, well, my belief, they might just have the skill to bowl Graeme and his boys out.

Upon reflection of this last sentence, I think it's all a bit generous, especially my use of the word 'skill', which is often bandied around. Let's be honest; South Africa are just useless.

Somewhere along the wall the wheels fell off, rolled into a pool of ethanol and caught fire. The consequences were not only disastrous for Ian Bell, who was standing nearby at the time, but also for Graeme Smith who needs to bloody retrieve and repair them.

But watching this match has been like opening a brand new bag of previously unknown cricket emotions.

The joy of watching South Africa humiliate themselves.

The horror of watching England doing well.

The surprise that England aren't playing as defensively as usual.

The amusement in seeing Ian Bell dismissed on 199.

The hope that England are being lured by flukes into a false sense of security, as opposed to actually, er, bothering.

Further to this, the wonder of whether they're serious about winning for once or would take the light without hesitation as usual.

It's a world gone topsy-turvy.

In summary

Cheat.

Cheat.

Cheat.

Cheats.

Leadership in cricket

The ECB have cancelled Zimbabwe's tour of England and Zimbabwe's participation in next year's Twenty20 Championship in England. So pretty much they're banned from England.

THANK YOU.

Finally, some leadership from someone.

Why did it have to be England?

Oh that's right, because they're the ones with a tour next scheduled.

Wait a minute, aren't India supposed to be in Zimbabwe at the moment? My blog says so!

I lose track.

I've said it before and will reiterate here, sport and politics cannot and should not be separate. The Olympic Games is another can of worms, but for that debate I direct you here.

Anyway, England won't be fined by the ICC because it's actually the British Government banning Zimbabwe from touring.

One day, when Zimbabwe will be back in the cricket circles, when their troubles are less one Robert Mugabe, it'll be great to have them back.

A brief exchange

I've been having an interesting Wall-to-Wall exchange with Spigot over on Facebook.

It's gone like this -

Spigot: You realise that as he (James Anderson) did it yesterday it's clearly obvious that he will do this every single day next summer...

Me: You hope.

Spigot: Well "you hope" sounds a lot better than "you wish"... I'll take that for now, you're clearly deeply unsettled over the Windies series...

While I have no doubt that Mr Spigot was not being serious (right?), I have noticed that some people of the English variety do seem to think that England's performance against New Zealand (and, to a lesser extent, Australia's performance against the West Indies) is a reflection of how the Ashes will fare next year.

I, however, see it as a reflection of how shoddy New Zealand are at the moment. England versus South Africa may be a better indication.

Although I suppose we should thank the Kiwis for luring the English into a false sense of security (I will personally thank Daniel Vettori later).

But even so, let's not pre-empt anything.

Tipping yes for humiliation

My good friend Leg Break (who is yet to be allocated a daemon) has begun a tipping contest for the England/New Zealand series, over at Sportsfreak.

It's well worth a look, if for no other reason than to see me make a fool of myself.

These are the specific questions for each test match.

1. Result.

2. Session the test finishes on.

3. England top run scorer for the match

4. NZ top run scorer for the match

5. Who will bowl the most overs?

6. What will the winner of the toss do?

7. Second to Sidebottom, who will get the most wickets in the test?

8. Which non-keeper will take the most catches?

9. What will Brendon McCullum's strike rate be for the match?

10. Man of the match.

If anyone would like to offer suggestions I would be happy to hear them. I need all the help I can get. I've already submitted my tips for the first Test, but even so, I'm bound to be on about -8 after the match. As it is I'm on -1 before the tour's properly started.

Leaderboard

Teams/Players	Points
Mike from Mike on Cricket	1
King Cricket	1
Well Pitched	1
Sportsfreak	0
Cricket Action Art	0
Cricket With Balls	0
The Silly Point	0
Beer and Sport	0
Sport Review NZ	0
Republique Cricket	-1
Ben from Mike on Cricket	-1
Miss Field	-1

Typical!

News from the world of Australian cricket

Ok right, so. Clarke and Bingle are getting hitched. I give them two years tops. And that's enough of that.

Luke Ronchi was on the news tonight, looking rather stoked that he's going to play for Mumbai, alongside ol' Sachin. Yeah, I'd be pleased if I were him. I like this young chap, and I hope he does well, I want him to have a bright future.

England have won the series against New Zealand. This is good and bad.

It is good because it means Michael Vaughan lives to fight another day.

It is bad because it means England won, it means New Zealand lost, it means Michael Vaughan lives to fight another day, and it means the pendulum has swung a little closer to the middle in the battle for the bet. As you can see, the bad heavily outweighs the good.

I do feel that our cousins across the ditch have kind of betrayed us, but even though I know they did their best, as Sean Connery told Nicolas Cage in The Rock, losers always whine about their best.

Which doesn't, to my mind, mean that England are going home with the prom queens, but they're the NZ in ANZAC, so we're comrades, right? And who was it that sent us onto the beaches hmm? I wonder.

Can you hear a ticking? I think it's the timer counting down until that loser comment bites me on the bum. All I'm saying is that I hope New Zealand do themselves justice when they head to England later in the year.

Actually I'm surprised that Andrew Strauss did what he did. He reminds me a bit of a restaurant I visited in America called Cracker Barrel. There were rocking chairs and carved pumpkins. Sure it was entertaining and really quite novel, and personally I liked it. But would it last ten minutes in a country like Australia? I think not.

Now we've seen the end of the lovely Stephen Fleming, it's all a bit sad because well, he's cool, even if he does occasionally take an exceptionally bad photograph.

It's always sad to see a top player not leave on a high, but I guess that's just life. And it's usually either because they didn't realise they were past it or because they've been told to bugger off, but if it was either of those reasons I won't hold it against him. And I daresay he will be remembered in high esteem.

Although after the match apparently Danny Vettori was seen prancing around like a mad lunatic with an effigy of Mr Fleming, chanting "I am the light" and cackling like an old witch.

He looked to be dancing with the effigy but a closer look revealed he was actually attempting to set fire to it. Odd that someone who is the light couldn't conjure a bit of flame. What a strange lad.

And here's Virgil with Archibald and Lou. I'm resisting the temptation for a nasty caption for this pic, because there are dozens running through my mind, such as about how two dark-haired people spawned two very blonde, blue-eyed children.

Or about the giveaway that they're English because they look like they've never seen the sun before. I know New Zealand is cloudy, but they should be wearing hats.

Hmph.

"I come hither to die"

A dolphin has guided two stranded whales to safety after human attempts to keep the animals off a New Zealand beach failed, a conservation official said.

Unfortunately, the English cricket team do not have the same luck.

Floundering in the water, flapping about and heading for the sandy shores of certain death, no one helps them. And like the whales, they do not help themselves, far too proud to admit they're on the path of doom.

Why?

Is it because they are weak and spineless, and look for short term fixes rather than long term solutions to their plethora of woes?

Is it because of their attitude that simply being the England-whale is good enough, and at the end of the day, well it doesn't really matter if we beach ourselves big-time, because, well we're better than you, we're England, lucky for our natural superiority.

Their air of superiority towards 'the colonies' is inherent in every one of their players and persists like a really bad headache or Ponting form-slump.

Is it, symptomatic of the previous suggestion, because of their dismissive attitude towards cricket that is not first class, despite being poor in all forms and having actually developed the Twenty20 format.

Yes, it is because of all of this. And so much more.

The England-whale's indefatigable supporters (the non-barmy of which may deserve medals for being environmental warriors) stand on the shore and watch this disaster unfold, hearts breaking.

Their loyalty to their cause does not waver, despite their frustration at the England-whale's determination to commit ceremonious suicide, stupidity in not having learned from the last time this happened (which wasn't very long ago), and pride in refusing to see that death is not the only way.

The rest-of-the-world-dolphins are lurking in the deeper water, looking like they take the England-whale seriously but their efforts at stifling their collective laughter are poor and half-hearted.

They watch the folk on shore and mock their loyalty and feeble, unsuccessful attempts at aiding the self-destructive England-whale.

Why should they, the rest-of-the-world-dolphins help these clumsy fools? We all have choices, and theirs continue to be poor, so they must face the consequences. Besides, the England-whale thinks it's so much better, if it's so good, let's watch it prove itself.

It's ok. Someone has to be the laughing stock of the cricketing world, and the English are supreme at comedy, there's no disputing this. Second only maybe to a new series of Father Ted with the original cast, I could think of no greater entertainment than watching an England batting collapse. And the cumbersome, lumbering heap that is the England-whale never fails to oblige. And our love-hate relationship continues.

So, like stupid suicidal whales, they continue their slow trawl to the end. Their players, accustomed to the shame, will get paid the same no matter what the outcome. Their ever-loyal fan base will cringe in knowing anticipation of the unavoidable outcome. And nothing changes.

EDIT: I forgot the obligatory Michael Vaughan shot. There were some good ones up from the last few days, he even volunteered himself for Suave's Epic Failure register. Alas, even his attempts at distinctive failures are mediocre. But here he is humouring Steve Harmison, who may or may not have Ian Bell in that bag. Cue to worship...
"Did you just hear someone giggle?"

New Zealand are great

I got up this morning and put the TV on to see England were 8/67. Needless to say I laughed, paused to imagine Suave wearing a humiliating t-shirt of my design, and laughed some more.

We all know England are crap, the question is, how good are New Zealand? How much of this crushing defeat was because of England's ineptitude as opposed to New Zealand's ability? Collingwood's 2 off 50 might answer my question. What an effort! That's a strike rate of 4.0, which is a statistic KP would be jealous of.

I also think Danny "I am the light" Vettori should be congratulated for declaring and setting England a target of 300. It was unlikely that England could have made it, but certainly not impossible. He was making a game of it, and for that (among other reasons) I admire him.

It's a shame England took the opportunity, dipped it in petrol, set fire to it and watched it vanish in a matter of moments, except for the last bit, which, as the fire was dying, burnt on pointlessly before being snuffed out by a giant who danced with glee on the embers.

There are winners that lose, and there are losers. The winners that lose are the ones who do their best to win, they take risks and see them as opportunities. Occasionally they lose, but this doesn't make them losers. Their valiant attitude makes them winners.

Losers on the other hand play to draw rather than risk losing. On the rare occasions that they win, it's usually a fluke (often involving light). Michael Vaughan wouldn't have declared at any point while his team were still batting, because he is the captain of losers, who need to take a look at their attitude more than their ability.

After the match they interviewed him. My dad said he felt a bit sorry for him (an astonishing admission) and I laughed and said he only scored 9 in the second innings, to which it was pointed out to me that our captain has not done much better of late. Hmm.

Nice skins.

Do England actually want to win?

I don't think so. I think this morning, maybe even yesterday morning, Virgil Vaughan gathered the team around and they discussed the best tactics for getting to a draw.

"Listen up lads, I can't think of any good reason why we should bother trying to win, so let's have a competition to see how quickly we can get the crowd asleep. I'm betting three hours. The winner gets a go in the pedalo, the runner up gets to give young Ian a chinese burn on his right arm."

I'm watching the overs tick over, and consistently seeing no run... no run... no run... no run... no run... no run.

I mean, go the NZ bowlers for keeping the run rate down, but they'll be aiming for wickets, and it's not happening, not because they can't do it, but because Vaughan and Cook aren't even bothering to hit the ball!

Oh well. I think I'll be celebrating my 30th before they get to 100, but still, live in hope they'll get bowled out.

EDIT: About frigging time! Haha and Matthew Hoggard, the night watchman, has gone too. Good one.
"Picture yourself on the Waikato River, a new pedalo, all around blue skies. Or chinese burning, you'll twist that arm slowly. Watch the tears stream from Bell's eyes..."
Taking a leaf from Ricky Ponting's John Lennon book, Virgil Vaughan serenades the lads.

Photo: Getty Images

Like feeding time at the zoo...

Oh my goodness. The cricket highlights are on. Michael Vaughan is on the telly. Swoon! It's been a while between drinks.

New Zealand are off to a pretty average start, but I've been in touch with the boys and made it very clear that I expect better tomorrow. They seemed to understand. It is good to see Matthew Hoggard again (even better when his playing is mediocre, what a considerate chap he is!).

To follow up on my front-line reporting of Ronald, here he is looking rather morose. Poor love. I saw the replay, it looked very "ouch". Guess he wasn't faking to get to Mt Hutt.

I really wish the Barmy Army would just shut up. Am I alone in this sentiment? Hearing them carrying on ruins my cricket-viewing. It's great to be loyal, but maybe they could demonstrate their loyalty in other ways... a vow of silence springs to mind. I suppose it's good to know they don't just stalk us... just because they wish their relatives had stolen a loaf of bread...

Oh, and the clown showed us all he really is a humble bloke...

Now, back to watching Michael Vaughan, I mean, the cricket.

Photos: Getty Images

Pure NZ, 100%, oh yeah

Thank God for test cricket. The first test between Newzalund and Ingerland started today, and the Enzedders are batting, and are off to a pretty good start. Carn the Kiwis!

Er, Stephen Fleming is playing. I thought he quit a few weeks ago. Maybe he was announcing a tour of duty... maybe I'm just way off. But jeez, I thought the reason for this horrid photo was because he was upset he was leaving, and I felt sorry for him. Now it's just a horrid photo.

I'd really like to be at home watching this on TV and not following cricinfo updates. Especially considering there's an ad on cricinfo telling me to ski Mt Hutt but not offering me the means of doing so. It's a cruel world. Employers should learn that providing TVs and Foxtel for their staff would enhance productivity. Who wouldn't be inspired by Danny Vettori's slow left-arm orthodox in the workplace?

I was really hoping I'd get to the Wellington test match next week. Months of planning came to nothing, and there's only a few days left for any potential benefactors to come forward. So if you're looking for something to spend that spare $1500 cash that happens to be lying on your dresser on, vote 1 Miss Field. Actually it wasn't the money issue, it was the lack of company issue. But cash donations are still welcome!

Anyway, Ian Bell wants his mum. The little girl hurt his wrist this morning, and has gone off to radiology to have it scanned. They told him his mum would meet him there.
"I want my mum."

Maybe he saw the cricinfo ad as well, and is skiving off to Mt Hutt. Bastard. I bet he doesn't have to appeal to strangers to pay for his holidays. In fact, his mum probably still pays for his skiing trips.

In other news, Australian captain Ricky Ponting is believed to be considering a career as a John Lennon impersonator after he was overheard singing the chorus to the Beatles hit The Ballad of John and Yoko in the Aussie dressing room after last night's disappointing loss to India, which ended his disappointing summer. Very disa-Ponting.

The bet of the year

Just to bring the bet back to the forefront, ideas are still being sought.

Some good ones have come through, but the more the merrier. At this point we think the loser will have to go to a match with a t-shirt proclaiming their love for their least favourite player. And as everyone knows, my least favourite player is Michael Vaughan.

But we'd still like suggestions... if England finish #2 (or #1) in the ICC test rankings by the end of the year, what would you like to see me do?

cricinfo: dazed and confused

cricinfo have this headline...

Collingwood restores England's pride

What? Surely this is a little premature. I think "Collingwood restores furniture" or "Collingwood restores fragile ecosystem" or even "Collingwood restores monarchy" would be more appropriate, without being appropriate whatsoever.

See this is the problem. One win doesn't redeem them! It is consistency that leads to redemption, not short lived glories and getting by on hope and chance. Nor is it only up to one player to carry the rest of the team, or be the magician in getting out of trouble. (Besides which, Ronald made 73 runs. If I were him I'd be pretty cross that Paul was stealing all my short lived glory.)

The restoration of pride will only happen when they can perform consistently. I'm not sure they'd even have to win that constantly, just not look quite so much like they couldn't care less and are only along for an overseas trip, a nice blue and red shirt and a good time (and free Hugo Boss products).

I wonder how often they can look their supporters straight in the eye and say they did their best and that they honestly believe it was good enough. I'd say, more often than is truthful.

Also, the picture that goes with the story is hilarious because young Paul looks downright miserable. It's good to see someone taking it seriously for once though. Maybe he also thinks that more is required from them all. But even so, he looks more pleased when they're losing. Masochist!

A few things

I'm going to the one dayer on Friday. Yay! Just need to figure out how to skive off from work. Hmm. But I shall contain my anticipation and bask in the events of today.

New Zealand's defeat of England has been covered far more eloquently than I could ever be.

"fucking village..."

"England: useless like a dead monkey"

"spectacularly... pathetically... feeble"

et al

However I feel it was cricinfo who summed it up best with this headline...

Ryder and McCullum trounce England.

Yep, that's right. A two-man squad could defeat England, and even without the backyard cricket rules.

Sri Lanka beat India and this made me ever so happy, especially after they suggested we are scared of them. Fools! It was a good day in Canberra today.

Also it looks like the Australian tour of Pakistan won't go ahead. I'm pleased with this. Cricket is not an island, nor do I believe it should be (unless it was just up from Antigua, I'd go there in the winter).

The actions of cricketers and cricket boards reverberate, and I think touring countries that are governed by suspicious regimes is seen to endorse said suspicious regimes, whether they mean to or not is irrespective. Plus it's just so unstable with opposition forces as well in Pakistan. If it's not safe it is just not worth the risk.

I'd die if something terrible happened to my Andrew. Or any of them.

Anyway. I've decided to quit my job and play bass guitar in a Wolfmother cover band. Have fun, ya'll.

What am I prepared to lose for my conviction that England belong at the bottom? You tell me.

I've made a bet with young Suave over at Republique Cricket.

He seems to think that England (yes, England) will return to no 2 in the ICC Test World Rankings by the end of 2008.

Yes I can hear your laughter. Let's pause and enjoy this nostalgic moment together... cue John Lennon songs. No wait, what's that you're saying? I shouldn't be so mean and should give him a let out?

Sure, I'm not such a cruel young lass, I'd be happy to, but he's pretty confident that it's going to happen. Indeed, one would hope he wouldn't agree to a bet he wasn't confident of winning. And who am I to refuse? Who knows, he might have inside knowledge and it could happen. Yes, yes, laugh it up fuzzball.

Anyway, we've both decided to ask you, the cricket blogging/reading public, to suggest a suitable forfeit for the loser of this bet.

Win or lose, it's gonna be a cracker!

Give me a minute to stop laughing and I'll write the post

Result New Zealand won by 6 wickets (with 120 balls remaining).

Welcome back, England!

They got their arses kicked! Clearly the mere suggestion of visiting Australia was enough to make the lads wet themselves. So I do take partial credit for this victory.

And to think I'd nearly written the Black Caps off, following the advice and support of newfound New Zealand blogmates. I knew they wouldn't let me down for long. In Wellington and all! Aw!

While it's obvious the Black Caps were the better team, I also believe that it was more a case of "The England" returning to the poor form we all expect, moreso than the Kiwis improving drastically, and I mean that as no slight on the win.

Dishonourable mentions go to...
Captain Collingwood - I saw his run out on the news. Poor little guy was as red as the fabric on his shoulders. Fool!
KP - bowled Oram, for 6. Sounds like heaven. Is the footage on youtube yet? Pietersen vs Oram. Hell yeah!
Bell - bowled Martin, for 5. Heh. Heh. I wonder if he broke a nail as he made those five runs. I cannot begin to imagine how worrisome that prospect must be for him. Poor kid.
Jimmeh - economy of 7.

Honourable mentions to the Kiwi bowlers, none of them had an economy rate over 3.00. Beaut.

Soo... what's more embarrassing, losing by six wickets, or being all out for 130, or having that made up in only 30 overs? Life's full of tough choices. I guess the 130 is the starting point of the shame, and the rest followed sweetly behind.

The next one dayer is in Hamilton, hometown of Danny Luca (sounds like he could be a child of Anna Nicole Smith), on Tuesday. Hamilton is a small place. I remember it being semi-industrial. I also remember not seeing Captain Vettori conveniently walking down any streets. Very disa-ponting.

Anyway. I like the 2pm start time (10am here, I think). The apple+tab function on my computer at work is well-used when there's cricket on. One minute of work, one minute of cricket. Ah!

As a side, I'm looking forward to seeing Jesse Ryder prove himself over the next few weeks, even if he was caught by a sub in the game tonight (and I mean substitute fielder, keep it clean). It's going to happen, and there are words that will need eating, and for once they won't be mine.

New Zealand you do me proud. Cousins across the ditch, I salute you!

Open letter; why I should work for CA

Dear "The England",

Here in Australia, the summer of cricket needs a bit of refreshing. No I'm not asking you to mail any Hugo Boss products across, I am hoping you can find time in between beating the crap out of the Black Caps to visit. I know of 11 blokes who'd be pleased to see you.

You see, India bring controversy, Sri Lanka bring rain. You bring good sport. Think the Colosseum. Think Romans and Christians and gladiators and lions. Imagine the possibilities!

I propose at least one test match. India couldn't possibly have played five and so we have been denied the full lifeblood of our summer. If you can't find a spare five days (although I'm confident you'll only need to commit to three) between your rounds of golf and visiting Lord of the Rings sights, how about a one dayer?

At least it would let Gilly have one last chance of smashing sixes everywhere, and don't you want do your bit in giving him the fine send-off he deserves? For the purpose of making it a truly worthwhile exercise, please bring Andrew Flintoff. No one has perfected the gape in quite the manner he has (as demonstrated in December 2006). I'm sure Gilly would love it.

When I can't get home in time to watch Today Tonight, you help me see the funny side of life. Think Fawlty Towers... there's always someone worse off... oh really, I'd like to meet him, I could do with a laugh. Indeed. Sleep well knowing you are that laugh. New Zealand clearly don't get the joke. So come to Australia, where you're fully appreciated.

We can even pass the hat around for a collection to buy you all some soap. And in a similar fashion, you can recycle all that charming convict rhetoric. The prospect of such gaiety is surely irresistible.

Aren't you up for the challenge? Surely your seasonal 'secret weapon' hasn't injured himself yet. In fact your secret weapon is yet to reveal who he is. Perhaps you've been saving him, waiting for an offer like this. Well, bring it on.

Yours sincerely,

Miss Field for Cricket Australia

Brissie is un-Australian!

Trust Brisbane.

I'd suggest that the venue should be changed if the weather forecast is looking categorically shabby, and let's face it, this game being a washout was almost a given (it's been pouring over there for weeks) but then again if this was the case we'd never have a game played in England.

Still, it's gotta bite if you paid $70 for a ticket and didn't get a full game. I declare that rain contravenes the spirit of the game. Fear not, the temperature is blistering here in Perth, and it's not looking to ease, let alone rain, for ages as yet. I daresay a full game will be played next Friday! Huzzah!

And speaking of the spirit of the game, Rohit Sharma was fined for dissent. He was given out and disputed it. Excuse me, but isn't that a display of particularly poor sportsmanship, o India the Righteous. Mind you, apparently he clearly wasn't out, so that is very disappointing, and yet again resurrects the third umpire debate.

To New Zealand (not literally, damn it), where England are proving to be a marginally superior team to the Black Caps. Boo! Dimitri Mascarenhas (who?) scored four consecutive sixes off Jeetan Patel in the first Twenty20 in Auckland (type that into your phone... it'll say Bucklame. Yay Bucklame!).

Poor Patel. Obviously the English don't feel the same affectionate tug at the heartstrings we Aussies sometimes do when we're on the brink of delivering the Kiwis a hammering. Not that it's ever stopped us delivering said hammering, but he could at least have spaced his sixes out a little more kindly.

I am waiting for New Zealand to improve. "The England" cannot be allowed to win. It is forbidden.

Finally, cricinfo has squeezed out some editorial about how Lord's and the Oval have been recommended as possible venues for next year's Twenty20 World Championship. Was there ever any doubt it would be at one of these two venues? Must be a slow news day, especially after the tumultuous last few weeks.

EDIT: Dimitri Mascarenhas went to Trinity College which is attached to the WACA. No wonder he was capable of four sixes in a row, the Australian lifestyle has obviously affected him. Hark!