Snippet of gold

You'd all be aware of England's gorgeous 51-run innings in Jamaica over the weekend.

Don't be mean.

They were just doing their bit for comic relief. Lord knows we could all do with it at the moment, whether it's flood, snow or fire. So don't hold it against them.

In fact, I for one am thankful.

Something did grab my attention today though.

The front page of The Australian's sport section. It goes through the details of England's loss in the West Indies, but one paragraph stood out, and made my day.

Strauss took over from South African-born egomaniac Kevin Pietersen, whose three-Test reign ended in forced resignation when he discovered, much to his surprise, that he wasn't the only person in English cricket who mattered.

It wasn't an opinion piece, it wasn't a letter to the editor. It was editorial - sardonic to the brim, and a brilliant summing up of the situation in less than fifty words.

KP speaks...

"No but yeh but no what happened was, was you know Michael Vaughan, he found a verruca sock in the girls' bogs and put it in Mooresey's bag and he completely had an eppy and turned up to Giles Clarke’s party with a compass and stabbed Giles Clarke, and anyway Stuart Broad gave Ian Bell a blowie in the shallow end for a bite of his Funny Foot."

Well I guess if nothing else he's proper English now.

You heard it here first.

England foot shooting continues

The tensions engulfing camp England have finally boiled over, and both captain and coach have walked out the door.

Whether or not he'd left of his own accord Pietersen would not have been allowed to stay on as captain. Cricketers must be subservient and not comment when they're uber-shitted off, it's just how it is. Just by saying "him or me" it was never going to be him.

Personally I'm disappointed. I was looking forward to Ponting and Pietersen squaring off.

And I bet Vaughan's wishing he'd pushed himself a bit harder these last few months.

It also seems to me like the tide is turning, and where last week observers were on KP's side, they now feel Moore's has been treated poorly; KP has betrayed his trust and this has all been most uncalled for.

Wow. Hissy fits. Cricket really does provide everything.

Ian Bell, anyone?

Don't pretend to be surprised, that's called denial

When I first saw a picture of a teary Michael Vaughan my first thought was that he'd realised how stupid his hair looked and was making an apology to the world. Then I realised what a foolish notion that was - as if he'd think his hair looked stupid.

So I see he's resigned. How shocking. Are you shocked? You shouldn't be. Denial is not just a river in Egypt (hilarious, I know). And now that I've been able to stop laughing at the resignation and apparent surprise, I can write about how Kevin Pietersen should be England's next captain.

If they want the Ashes back, he's their only hope.

So, they will pick Andrew Strauss.

When England won the Ashes in 2005, the good Poms went crazy for cricket. It was great to see.

But the soccer mob was not happy about it. They threatened the ECB, told them if they ever won an Ashes series again they would take their firstborn grandchild (because all the ECB are old) and spin the kid into gold for Australia's one day uniforms. And then hobble the entire cricket team.

The ECB did not want this to happen. They could handle losing the Ashes, but if there was no cricket team to play (because they had no feet), they couldn't even contest the Ashes, and then they would have no jobs. Bugger the grandkids.

If they'd really thought it through they'd have realised that the police would have caught on if every single player was mysteriously hobbled. But they didn't think about it.

So they installed Andrew Flintoff as captain. He didn't let them down. They lost five-nil.

But the public (especially the public who had spent not-so-small fortunes on getting to Australia to watch the series) were not happy, and Flintoff had to go. So they thought they'd get one up on the mob, and attempted to hobble him themselves. It didn't work, but it kept him sidelined for a while.

And then Vaughan returned from injury. England's favourite son, who would lead them to victory once more. Unfortunately, the selectors knew he was a liability if they were to keep their jobs and their teams' feet. So what did they do? They told Vaughan about the threat. And what did he do? He cried and ran away.

Plus he was rubbish. A mediocre-at-best player whose leadership skills made up for his lack of playing ability, who made promises he couldn't keep, saw poor performances as being acceptable and couldn't justify his arrogance with results.

So if you've ever wondered about dodgy selections, suspicious injuries or early retirements, now you know why.

In order to fail again, Strauss is their man. Not their only man, one of ten in fact.

I want KP to be the next captain because he's hot, and I for one would like to see that angsty power struggle of captains that would exist between he and Ricky Ponting/Graeme Smith/Daniel Vettori. Can you imagine Stuart Broad in such a fashion? I thought not.

Also, because he's the only one who really seems to have a winning attitude (and if you hadn't noticed, this lack of winning attitude is what annoys me about England the most, and in a supreme fashion). But, and for the same reason, I don't want him to be captain.

Hands off those Ashes. Flounder away.

This one's for you, Vaughany.

KP speaks (and thinks)

"I'm humbled (what means this?) to have been handed the England one-day captaincy in Paul Collingwood's absence for the final game at Lord's.

"Captaining England has been a dream of mine (look at them buying this bullshit) but I also understand that I'm assuming the role in Paul's absence as he is the captain and leader of the one-day side (until I can think of another way, seeing as I'm second-in-line now).

"To be asked to captain your country (get me a bucket) is the ultimate honour in sport and I feel privileged and proud to have been asked to lead the side on Saturday (and they'd better not fuck it up, the fuckers, I'll kill them).

"I'm very much looking forward to leading the team against New Zealand (I wonder if they need a captain?) and am excited by the challenge of captaining such a young and talented (talent? HAHAHA. I am England) side.

"We can't win this series but I, like the rest of the dressing room (the dressing room has expectations? Who wrote this drivel? I suppose its intellectual capacity is greater than Paul's, and the rest), expect an outstanding England performance to finish the series on a high (so Ryan will be aiming for concussions at the minimum and I will be encompassing interpretive dance as a prelude to switch-hitting)."

Outing the cricket demons

In my favourite book, the human soul is a physical manifestation in the shape of an animal that reflects the person's character, known as their dæmon.

I think mine would probably be a wombat and be called Xanthius.

Lately I've been thinking about certain cricketers, and what form their dæmons would take.


Andrew and black panther Evangeline. Evangeline shows great restraint when Andrew is racially taunted, because if she wanted to, she could tear the throats out of his abusers in seconds. They enjoy watching Enough Rope on Monday nights.


Graeme and Merle, a black mamba. Merle is the king of the African snakes, and the largest of the poisonous. Two drops of her venom are enough to kill a human, and it happens within minutes by paralysis of the nervous system. That's our Graeme! Graeme and Merle love holidaying in the Caribbean, especially Antigua.


Paul and Marielle, a loyal jack russell terrier. They engage in debates about world affairs and can often be heard discussing international politics, especially the Middle East conflict. Marielle is terrified of flying.


Jesse and Brinlynn, a rather dull-witted black-faced sheep who was amused by Jesse's recent behaviour. The pair occasionally partake in cow tipping, and have been caught more than once. New Zealand cricket conveniently overlooked this disturbing hobby when selecting him.


Ricky and Kalandra, a hard-working, no-frills blue heeler who can round up sheep faster than Freddie Flintoff can round up mates to have a beer with. Kalandra secretly hates Princess Mary for becoming a more famous Tasmanian than Ricky. She knows Ricky deserves those New Idea covers.


Kevin and Tiessa are a force to be reckoned with. Together they form a one-in-a-million mutual admiration society. Tiessa thinks most English people are pillocks, and Kevin not-so-secretly agrees.

New Zealand are great

I got up this morning and put the TV on to see England were 8/67. Needless to say I laughed, paused to imagine Suave wearing a humiliating t-shirt of my design, and laughed some more.

We all know England are crap, the question is, how good are New Zealand? How much of this crushing defeat was because of England's ineptitude as opposed to New Zealand's ability? Collingwood's 2 off 50 might answer my question. What an effort! That's a strike rate of 4.0, which is a statistic KP would be jealous of.

I also think Danny "I am the light" Vettori should be congratulated for declaring and setting England a target of 300. It was unlikely that England could have made it, but certainly not impossible. He was making a game of it, and for that (among other reasons) I admire him.

It's a shame England took the opportunity, dipped it in petrol, set fire to it and watched it vanish in a matter of moments, except for the last bit, which, as the fire was dying, burnt on pointlessly before being snuffed out by a giant who danced with glee on the embers.

There are winners that lose, and there are losers. The winners that lose are the ones who do their best to win, they take risks and see them as opportunities. Occasionally they lose, but this doesn't make them losers. Their valiant attitude makes them winners.

Losers on the other hand play to draw rather than risk losing. On the rare occasions that they win, it's usually a fluke (often involving light). Michael Vaughan wouldn't have declared at any point while his team were still batting, because he is the captain of losers, who need to take a look at their attitude more than their ability.

After the match they interviewed him. My dad said he felt a bit sorry for him (an astonishing admission) and I laughed and said he only scored 9 in the second innings, to which it was pointed out to me that our captain has not done much better of late. Hmm.

Nice skins.

Give me a minute to stop laughing and I'll write the post

Result New Zealand won by 6 wickets (with 120 balls remaining).

Welcome back, England!

They got their arses kicked! Clearly the mere suggestion of visiting Australia was enough to make the lads wet themselves. So I do take partial credit for this victory.

And to think I'd nearly written the Black Caps off, following the advice and support of newfound New Zealand blogmates. I knew they wouldn't let me down for long. In Wellington and all! Aw!

While it's obvious the Black Caps were the better team, I also believe that it was more a case of "The England" returning to the poor form we all expect, moreso than the Kiwis improving drastically, and I mean that as no slight on the win.

Dishonourable mentions go to...
Captain Collingwood - I saw his run out on the news. Poor little guy was as red as the fabric on his shoulders. Fool!
KP - bowled Oram, for 6. Sounds like heaven. Is the footage on youtube yet? Pietersen vs Oram. Hell yeah!
Bell - bowled Martin, for 5. Heh. Heh. I wonder if he broke a nail as he made those five runs. I cannot begin to imagine how worrisome that prospect must be for him. Poor kid.
Jimmeh - economy of 7.

Honourable mentions to the Kiwi bowlers, none of them had an economy rate over 3.00. Beaut.

Soo... what's more embarrassing, losing by six wickets, or being all out for 130, or having that made up in only 30 overs? Life's full of tough choices. I guess the 130 is the starting point of the shame, and the rest followed sweetly behind.

The next one dayer is in Hamilton, hometown of Danny Luca (sounds like he could be a child of Anna Nicole Smith), on Tuesday. Hamilton is a small place. I remember it being semi-industrial. I also remember not seeing Captain Vettori conveniently walking down any streets. Very disa-ponting.

Anyway. I like the 2pm start time (10am here, I think). The apple+tab function on my computer at work is well-used when there's cricket on. One minute of work, one minute of cricket. Ah!

As a side, I'm looking forward to seeing Jesse Ryder prove himself over the next few weeks, even if he was caught by a sub in the game tonight (and I mean substitute fielder, keep it clean). It's going to happen, and there are words that will need eating, and for once they won't be mine.

New Zealand you do me proud. Cousins across the ditch, I salute you!

England, England

Did anyone believe Ricky Ponting when he said that Australia hadn't ruled out Shaun Tait? I didn't. He'd have needed a smack if they'd picked Tait over Hoggy.

So the fourth test is due to start in roughly nine minutes. How exciting!

Anyway. I found this at cricinfo. According to the feature, England are now mediocre as they were in the 1990s.

To me this implies that there was a period when they were excellent, presumably in the early 2000s. This would suggest that at some point they were perceived as a serious threat. And yes, I know they won the Ashes in 2005, and I'm not making light of that, but even they would have to admit that it wasn't exactly a convincing series win. (Although maybe I've just grown accustomed to 5-0 being a convincing series win). To a very large degree luck was on their side, as right up to the last innings of the fifth test it could have gone either way.

In my humblest of opinions, England need more players like Kevin Pietersen. He's not satisfied with just playing cricket at international level, he wants to be the best. The others seem deficient in ambition and drive. Though it would also be good if KP attempted to seem like he was a bit more interested in being part of the team as well. It's all about balance.

Anyway, despite their Ashes victory, I really cannot recall them ever being perceived as a short term, long term or otherwise serious threat here in Australia. No force to be reckoned with. The statistics may well indicate otherwise, but England have, in my recent recollection, always been "only England" and I can't see that changing in the foreseeable future.