Test matches and OBEs and Engerland. And South Africa.

The third Test starts tomorrow.

I know. I too am struggling to contain my excitement.

To mark this occasion, here is a post written by my esteemed friend Angus on his most excellent blog, which he has kindly let me re-post here.

It's about an incident back in 2005. Something happened back then, now what was it... oh yes, that's right.

We lost the Ashes.

OBEs for EVERYBODY!!!!!

I think I speak for all of us when I say that beating South Africa in sporting contests is one of Australia's three most solemn duties (the other two are beating New Zealand at Rugby Union, and preserving the memory of Gallipoli).

Beating England is not solemn - it's a raucous affair. But beating South Africa is important, it is crucial, and it is satisfying.

I was speaking to Miss Field a while ago - who has been keeping another blog hidden in plain sight - about why losing to South Africa in Australia was less painful than losing to England in 2005 (in England).

Here are my top reasons why losing to England in 2005 was so hard to take:

1) The series of coincidences that went England's way

2) Australia could not have played ANY worse, we were lacking our best fast bowler (we dominated the one Test he played), and we still only lost the series by two runs.

3) England's team was full of crap players who played much better than they ever had or ever would again to fluke wickets and runs.

4) They treated a marginal 2-1 series victory as if THEY HAD RE-WON WORLD WAR II.

5) The English players went back to being crap within 24 hours of the final Test.

But one of the hardest things to take was something Miss Field pointed out: that any time an Australian mentioned that perhaps the English were over-reacting by giving their players OBEs for winning two Test matches, we were accused of being sore losers.

Ashley Giles. Useless cricketer. OBE.

It was not a great time to be an Australian cricket fan. Just like this past summer against South Africa. However, here are the key reasons why losing to South Africa is not as painful as that horrible 2005:

1) South Africa were the better team. Australia played badly again, but we had our chances to win it and we bottled it. We can acknowledge better teams.

2) The Proteas' performances were not flukes, and their players were not in some kind of never-to-be-repeated Indian summer. They had built their form up over the past few years.

3) They didn't carry on like flamin' galahs after they won two Test matches. Whatever the equivalent of the South African OBE is, they didn't give it to a bunch of blokes who did the job they're paid large amounts of money just to get done.

4) We recognise that our team is in transition and we're willing to cut them some more slack.

5) We've just gone and handed them a defeat on their home soil with three of our blokes playing their first Test.

The Ashes in 2005 will always be a bad memory, but hopefully, one day, Flintoff and Vaughan and co will come out and say "you know what, I probably didn't deserve to be made a member of the Order of the British Empire for barely winning two cricket matches." And I'd like to think that I will be around to say "EXACTLY!"

England foot shooting continues

The tensions engulfing camp England have finally boiled over, and both captain and coach have walked out the door.

Whether or not he'd left of his own accord Pietersen would not have been allowed to stay on as captain. Cricketers must be subservient and not comment when they're uber-shitted off, it's just how it is. Just by saying "him or me" it was never going to be him.

Personally I'm disappointed. I was looking forward to Ponting and Pietersen squaring off.

And I bet Vaughan's wishing he'd pushed himself a bit harder these last few months.

It also seems to me like the tide is turning, and where last week observers were on KP's side, they now feel Moore's has been treated poorly; KP has betrayed his trust and this has all been most uncalled for.

Wow. Hissy fits. Cricket really does provide everything.

Ian Bell, anyone?

Don't pretend to be surprised, that's called denial

When I first saw a picture of a teary Michael Vaughan my first thought was that he'd realised how stupid his hair looked and was making an apology to the world. Then I realised what a foolish notion that was - as if he'd think his hair looked stupid.

So I see he's resigned. How shocking. Are you shocked? You shouldn't be. Denial is not just a river in Egypt (hilarious, I know). And now that I've been able to stop laughing at the resignation and apparent surprise, I can write about how Kevin Pietersen should be England's next captain.

If they want the Ashes back, he's their only hope.

So, they will pick Andrew Strauss.

When England won the Ashes in 2005, the good Poms went crazy for cricket. It was great to see.

But the soccer mob was not happy about it. They threatened the ECB, told them if they ever won an Ashes series again they would take their firstborn grandchild (because all the ECB are old) and spin the kid into gold for Australia's one day uniforms. And then hobble the entire cricket team.

The ECB did not want this to happen. They could handle losing the Ashes, but if there was no cricket team to play (because they had no feet), they couldn't even contest the Ashes, and then they would have no jobs. Bugger the grandkids.

If they'd really thought it through they'd have realised that the police would have caught on if every single player was mysteriously hobbled. But they didn't think about it.

So they installed Andrew Flintoff as captain. He didn't let them down. They lost five-nil.

But the public (especially the public who had spent not-so-small fortunes on getting to Australia to watch the series) were not happy, and Flintoff had to go. So they thought they'd get one up on the mob, and attempted to hobble him themselves. It didn't work, but it kept him sidelined for a while.

And then Vaughan returned from injury. England's favourite son, who would lead them to victory once more. Unfortunately, the selectors knew he was a liability if they were to keep their jobs and their teams' feet. So what did they do? They told Vaughan about the threat. And what did he do? He cried and ran away.

Plus he was rubbish. A mediocre-at-best player whose leadership skills made up for his lack of playing ability, who made promises he couldn't keep, saw poor performances as being acceptable and couldn't justify his arrogance with results.

So if you've ever wondered about dodgy selections, suspicious injuries or early retirements, now you know why.

In order to fail again, Strauss is their man. Not their only man, one of ten in fact.

I want KP to be the next captain because he's hot, and I for one would like to see that angsty power struggle of captains that would exist between he and Ricky Ponting/Graeme Smith/Daniel Vettori. Can you imagine Stuart Broad in such a fashion? I thought not.

Also, because he's the only one who really seems to have a winning attitude (and if you hadn't noticed, this lack of winning attitude is what annoys me about England the most, and in a supreme fashion). But, and for the same reason, I don't want him to be captain.

Hands off those Ashes. Flounder away.

This one's for you, Vaughany.

Newsflash

England captain's run total exceeds his IQ.

A new Ponting

Cricketers have girl babies and the captain of Australia is no exception.

For years I thought he already had a few girls, but when Mrs P announced she had a bun in the oven, at the AB Medal night back in January, it was revealed the child would be their first.

The captain's firstborn is a girl.

Said child popped out this morning, and they have named her Emmy Charlotte. Emmy Ponting. Pretty enough, but wouldn't Emily or Emma have sufficed? Still. Beats Apple.

When Michael Vaughan's wife had their first child, Talullah, the air force did a flyover during a match, as a salute to the captain's firstborn. Pretentious rubbish that I hope we're spared.

Let's also hope they spare her the indignity of a "welcome to the world" magazine photo shoot.

Congrats, Punter.

Life on Mars?

I had this idea to write a post about how England, upon having reached an impressive score, would launch their strategy, trialled in a previous match, of tripping batsmen over and running them out.

This tactic would see them win for sure. And Vaughan would be responsible, so we wouldn't have to endure Paul Collingwood sooking it up at a press conference ("Mummy!").

However it would seem that contrary to, well, my belief, they might just have the skill to bowl Graeme and his boys out.

Upon reflection of this last sentence, I think it's all a bit generous, especially my use of the word 'skill', which is often bandied around. Let's be honest; South Africa are just useless.

Somewhere along the wall the wheels fell off, rolled into a pool of ethanol and caught fire. The consequences were not only disastrous for Ian Bell, who was standing nearby at the time, but also for Graeme Smith who needs to bloody retrieve and repair them.

But watching this match has been like opening a brand new bag of previously unknown cricket emotions.

The joy of watching South Africa humiliate themselves.

The horror of watching England doing well.

The surprise that England aren't playing as defensively as usual.

The amusement in seeing Ian Bell dismissed on 199.

The hope that England are being lured by flukes into a false sense of security, as opposed to actually, er, bothering.

Further to this, the wonder of whether they're serious about winning for once or would take the light without hesitation as usual.

It's a world gone topsy-turvy.

And then she rose out of the ashes...

Today is my birthday. I haven't aged a day? You're too kind.

Here is my last birthday cake, which I am particularly proud of...
While I will do my best to refrain from making too many references to hobbits and magic rings, I have decided to dedicate a birthday post to, well, me. Precious.

A little indulgence, a little 'crazy fangirl', something just a tiny bit out of the ordinary... (no arguments, thank you, it's my birthday not yours)

I'm rather disappointed about the low resolution. No justice done at all. Still, here is my blog-birthday present to me.

Made during the last World Cup final, by my dear friend Peggs McGrath...

"That's right, I am very sexy."

Taduh. Now, if you would like to contribute to my birthday post, please email any photos or links to misfield@gmail.com and I shall upload them here. Appropriate ones, thanks. There will be no Harbhajan Singh on this birthday post! And if any of you have spotted that photo of MV on cricket.com.au, well I don't want that one either. Hmph.

Now don't forget to put it in the diary/Blackberry/other for next year. May 12. And then go out and celebrate me. And toast the Australian cricket team.

EDIT: Beautiful art from Sasha...

and The Atheist...
which I will treasure. Anonymous also sent a very recent photo of Ricky Ponting.
Annnnnd check out this masterpiece from Julie, currently also residing as my desktop wallpaper...
Thanks y'all!

Yahussrah.

News from the world of Australian cricket

Ok right, so. Clarke and Bingle are getting hitched. I give them two years tops. And that's enough of that.

Luke Ronchi was on the news tonight, looking rather stoked that he's going to play for Mumbai, alongside ol' Sachin. Yeah, I'd be pleased if I were him. I like this young chap, and I hope he does well, I want him to have a bright future.

England have won the series against New Zealand. This is good and bad.

It is good because it means Michael Vaughan lives to fight another day.

It is bad because it means England won, it means New Zealand lost, it means Michael Vaughan lives to fight another day, and it means the pendulum has swung a little closer to the middle in the battle for the bet. As you can see, the bad heavily outweighs the good.

I do feel that our cousins across the ditch have kind of betrayed us, but even though I know they did their best, as Sean Connery told Nicolas Cage in The Rock, losers always whine about their best.

Which doesn't, to my mind, mean that England are going home with the prom queens, but they're the NZ in ANZAC, so we're comrades, right? And who was it that sent us onto the beaches hmm? I wonder.

Can you hear a ticking? I think it's the timer counting down until that loser comment bites me on the bum. All I'm saying is that I hope New Zealand do themselves justice when they head to England later in the year.

Actually I'm surprised that Andrew Strauss did what he did. He reminds me a bit of a restaurant I visited in America called Cracker Barrel. There were rocking chairs and carved pumpkins. Sure it was entertaining and really quite novel, and personally I liked it. But would it last ten minutes in a country like Australia? I think not.

Now we've seen the end of the lovely Stephen Fleming, it's all a bit sad because well, he's cool, even if he does occasionally take an exceptionally bad photograph.

It's always sad to see a top player not leave on a high, but I guess that's just life. And it's usually either because they didn't realise they were past it or because they've been told to bugger off, but if it was either of those reasons I won't hold it against him. And I daresay he will be remembered in high esteem.

Although after the match apparently Danny Vettori was seen prancing around like a mad lunatic with an effigy of Mr Fleming, chanting "I am the light" and cackling like an old witch.

He looked to be dancing with the effigy but a closer look revealed he was actually attempting to set fire to it. Odd that someone who is the light couldn't conjure a bit of flame. What a strange lad.

And here's Virgil with Archibald and Lou. I'm resisting the temptation for a nasty caption for this pic, because there are dozens running through my mind, such as about how two dark-haired people spawned two very blonde, blue-eyed children.

Or about the giveaway that they're English because they look like they've never seen the sun before. I know New Zealand is cloudy, but they should be wearing hats.

Hmph.

"I come hither to die"

A dolphin has guided two stranded whales to safety after human attempts to keep the animals off a New Zealand beach failed, a conservation official said.

Unfortunately, the English cricket team do not have the same luck.

Floundering in the water, flapping about and heading for the sandy shores of certain death, no one helps them. And like the whales, they do not help themselves, far too proud to admit they're on the path of doom.

Why?

Is it because they are weak and spineless, and look for short term fixes rather than long term solutions to their plethora of woes?

Is it because of their attitude that simply being the England-whale is good enough, and at the end of the day, well it doesn't really matter if we beach ourselves big-time, because, well we're better than you, we're England, lucky for our natural superiority.

Their air of superiority towards 'the colonies' is inherent in every one of their players and persists like a really bad headache or Ponting form-slump.

Is it, symptomatic of the previous suggestion, because of their dismissive attitude towards cricket that is not first class, despite being poor in all forms and having actually developed the Twenty20 format.

Yes, it is because of all of this. And so much more.

The England-whale's indefatigable supporters (the non-barmy of which may deserve medals for being environmental warriors) stand on the shore and watch this disaster unfold, hearts breaking.

Their loyalty to their cause does not waver, despite their frustration at the England-whale's determination to commit ceremonious suicide, stupidity in not having learned from the last time this happened (which wasn't very long ago), and pride in refusing to see that death is not the only way.

The rest-of-the-world-dolphins are lurking in the deeper water, looking like they take the England-whale seriously but their efforts at stifling their collective laughter are poor and half-hearted.

They watch the folk on shore and mock their loyalty and feeble, unsuccessful attempts at aiding the self-destructive England-whale.

Why should they, the rest-of-the-world-dolphins help these clumsy fools? We all have choices, and theirs continue to be poor, so they must face the consequences. Besides, the England-whale thinks it's so much better, if it's so good, let's watch it prove itself.

It's ok. Someone has to be the laughing stock of the cricketing world, and the English are supreme at comedy, there's no disputing this. Second only maybe to a new series of Father Ted with the original cast, I could think of no greater entertainment than watching an England batting collapse. And the cumbersome, lumbering heap that is the England-whale never fails to oblige. And our love-hate relationship continues.

So, like stupid suicidal whales, they continue their slow trawl to the end. Their players, accustomed to the shame, will get paid the same no matter what the outcome. Their ever-loyal fan base will cringe in knowing anticipation of the unavoidable outcome. And nothing changes.

EDIT: I forgot the obligatory Michael Vaughan shot. There were some good ones up from the last few days, he even volunteered himself for Suave's Epic Failure register. Alas, even his attempts at distinctive failures are mediocre. But here he is humouring Steve Harmison, who may or may not have Ian Bell in that bag. Cue to worship...
"Did you just hear someone giggle?"

New Zealand are great

I got up this morning and put the TV on to see England were 8/67. Needless to say I laughed, paused to imagine Suave wearing a humiliating t-shirt of my design, and laughed some more.

We all know England are crap, the question is, how good are New Zealand? How much of this crushing defeat was because of England's ineptitude as opposed to New Zealand's ability? Collingwood's 2 off 50 might answer my question. What an effort! That's a strike rate of 4.0, which is a statistic KP would be jealous of.

I also think Danny "I am the light" Vettori should be congratulated for declaring and setting England a target of 300. It was unlikely that England could have made it, but certainly not impossible. He was making a game of it, and for that (among other reasons) I admire him.

It's a shame England took the opportunity, dipped it in petrol, set fire to it and watched it vanish in a matter of moments, except for the last bit, which, as the fire was dying, burnt on pointlessly before being snuffed out by a giant who danced with glee on the embers.

There are winners that lose, and there are losers. The winners that lose are the ones who do their best to win, they take risks and see them as opportunities. Occasionally they lose, but this doesn't make them losers. Their valiant attitude makes them winners.

Losers on the other hand play to draw rather than risk losing. On the rare occasions that they win, it's usually a fluke (often involving light). Michael Vaughan wouldn't have declared at any point while his team were still batting, because he is the captain of losers, who need to take a look at their attitude more than their ability.

After the match they interviewed him. My dad said he felt a bit sorry for him (an astonishing admission) and I laughed and said he only scored 9 in the second innings, to which it was pointed out to me that our captain has not done much better of late. Hmm.

Nice skins.

Do England actually want to win?

I don't think so. I think this morning, maybe even yesterday morning, Virgil Vaughan gathered the team around and they discussed the best tactics for getting to a draw.

"Listen up lads, I can't think of any good reason why we should bother trying to win, so let's have a competition to see how quickly we can get the crowd asleep. I'm betting three hours. The winner gets a go in the pedalo, the runner up gets to give young Ian a chinese burn on his right arm."

I'm watching the overs tick over, and consistently seeing no run... no run... no run... no run... no run... no run.

I mean, go the NZ bowlers for keeping the run rate down, but they'll be aiming for wickets, and it's not happening, not because they can't do it, but because Vaughan and Cook aren't even bothering to hit the ball!

Oh well. I think I'll be celebrating my 30th before they get to 100, but still, live in hope they'll get bowled out.

EDIT: About frigging time! Haha and Matthew Hoggard, the night watchman, has gone too. Good one.
"Picture yourself on the Waikato River, a new pedalo, all around blue skies. Or chinese burning, you'll twist that arm slowly. Watch the tears stream from Bell's eyes..."
Taking a leaf from Ricky Ponting's John Lennon book, Virgil Vaughan serenades the lads.

Photo: Getty Images

Like feeding time at the zoo...

Oh my goodness. The cricket highlights are on. Michael Vaughan is on the telly. Swoon! It's been a while between drinks.

New Zealand are off to a pretty average start, but I've been in touch with the boys and made it very clear that I expect better tomorrow. They seemed to understand. It is good to see Matthew Hoggard again (even better when his playing is mediocre, what a considerate chap he is!).

To follow up on my front-line reporting of Ronald, here he is looking rather morose. Poor love. I saw the replay, it looked very "ouch". Guess he wasn't faking to get to Mt Hutt.

I really wish the Barmy Army would just shut up. Am I alone in this sentiment? Hearing them carrying on ruins my cricket-viewing. It's great to be loyal, but maybe they could demonstrate their loyalty in other ways... a vow of silence springs to mind. I suppose it's good to know they don't just stalk us... just because they wish their relatives had stolen a loaf of bread...

Oh, and the clown showed us all he really is a humble bloke...

Now, back to watching Michael Vaughan, I mean, the cricket.

Photos: Getty Images

The bet of the year

Just to bring the bet back to the forefront, ideas are still being sought.

Some good ones have come through, but the more the merrier. At this point we think the loser will have to go to a match with a t-shirt proclaiming their love for their least favourite player. And as everyone knows, my least favourite player is Michael Vaughan.

But we'd still like suggestions... if England finish #2 (or #1) in the ICC test rankings by the end of the year, what would you like to see me do?

Oops

Ok so it's emerging that Shaun Tait is depressed, and has been for a while, and he's actually been courageous, not cowardly.

I'M SORRY SHAUN, I FEEL REALLY REALLY BAD.

But as I clarified in my last post, with the information that was available it was suspiciously reminiscent of Sally Robbins.

However that is not the case and I think it's commendable that he has put his health first (ala Geoff Gallop!). I wish him a 160 km/h recovery, and I hope we see him happy and healthy soon.

Before I crawl away into a creek to weep about what a horrible person I am, I learnt about an intriguing string of coincidences today.

I never realised it is ESPN who own the broadcasting rights for cricket on the subcontinent (and threatened to sue Cricket Australia for $60 million if the Indians pulled out of the tour). Interesting of course, because ESPN own cricinfo. I also learnt that one of my favourite wineries is owned by an American company. Both these things disappointed me.

Also, I just heard this on the news:

"...Justice Hansen, when handing down his full reasons for the decision in Adelaide on Wednesday, said he was not told that Harbhajan had three previous breaches of the ICC's code of conduct until after the sentence was imposed.

He said he was particularly concerned about a charge of attempting to intimidate an umpire, for which Harbhajan was given a suspended one-Test ban and also fined.

"Overnight I have given earnest consideration to the code of conduct to see if it empowers me to reopen the sentencing process," Justice Hansen said.

"Regrettably I have concluded that I cannot do so and the penalty imposed by me must stand. At the end of the day Mr Singh can feel himself fortunate.""

Bloody hell. See I'd been (reasonably) happy to accept the appeal decision as being one made by someone who knew more about the situation than I did. However now that I've heard this, I'm quite annoyed. This person who was supposed to know more about the situation than I did, didn't! It's not on.

Anyway, that injustice is something else for me to weep about in the creek (when I get there, I'm not done yet).

On a lighter note, I'm rapt that David Hussey is playing with the national side at the Twenty20 at the G on Friday. I've seen him play at state level and I'm thrilled he's been given a shot, even if it is "only" a Twenty20 match, and even if he does play for Victoria. Don't screw it up, Davo!

Finally, I was wondering why the balance in earth had shifted on Monday. Something wasn't quite right, it was like the planets had aligned strangely or something. It wasn't until Tuesday that I realised it was because the English cricket team flew into New Zealand. Michael Vaughan is closer.