BlackCaps regroup!

I have noticed that whoever designs the BlackCaps' uniforms is getting a little adventurous.

A little too adventurous.
What's wrong with a silver fern? Ok you could say it's overused, but it looks a damn sight better than these. And baby blue? What's that about?

And everytime I see it I think maybe it's a sign of things to come.

Hey BlackCaps

Sooooo.

New Zealand.

They've got some issues.

Of the 14 Tests they played this year, they won four. Three against Bangladesh.

Top effort, lads!

Actually I feel a bit sorry for Daniel Vettori. He's alright. It's a bit like seeing Andrew Flintoff treading water during the Ashes (except he's not alright). But you can't carry your team around for ever. Nor should you be expected to.

Actually he's said some pretty amusing things lately (Vettori that is. Historians are still trying to deciper Flintoff's post match media conferences of two years ago. The ones he turned up to.).

"The game is called Twenty20, it's not called one1. We don't want to dilute it too much."

"Getting eased away for four can be a little bit of a heartbreaker."

"What's wrong with a tie, I have no issues with it."

"It's just sometimes the ground is not big enough for Chris Gayle."

Just imagine that in a Kiwi accent.

He sounds a bit upset. See in two Twenty20 matches both were ties, which I think is pretty amazing. But to determine a winner this happened -

Trialled for the first time in an international match, the Super Over has each team nominate three batsmen to face an over against one bowler from the opposing side. If two batsmen are dismissed inside the over, the innings is considered complete.

What?

Sounds kinda lame to me. I agree with the Kiwi, what's wrong with a tie? Though I wonder if he'd said it if they hadn't lost the "Super" over. Somehow it was his fault for not getting 26 runs in the "Super" over. That's funny too... New Zealand lost the match after Vettori failed to chase 26 runs in an over. Love it.

To me this sounds like "If a Twenty20 ends in a tie, we play an over of baseball to see who wins."

And that ain't cricket!

Matthew Hayden: overstaying his welcome, one run-out at a time

I'm off on holidays for a few weeks tomorrow.

Before I go I just thought I'd share some parting wisdom in the form of... *drum roll*

My Solution to Australian Cricket Failure

1. Dump Shane Watson (been done, and not before time)
2. Dump Matthew Hayden (Ricky Ponting said today that Hayden has a place on the side for as long as he wishes to - bollocks to that I say)
3. Dump Ricky Ponting. I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry. But it's just not working out anymore. And well, we have bigger fish to fry than New Zealand. And if we lose the Ashes because he's being kind to Matthew Hayden, he will have a power greater than me to answer to.

Finally, seeing as we played in a terribly shitty fashion and still managed to beat the crap out of New Zealand, I recommend that New Zealand dump ALL their players, and pick up Watson, Hayden, Ponting... it would be a start.

For anyone interested in the 3 Mobile 'Men of Cricket' calendar, it's on sale now.

I also got to be on Hair of the Blog in Darwin last weekend, I will post the link up upon my return. I may or may have defined manliness as how good one looks in a cricket uniform.

My application to coach New Zealand

Dear Mr Vaughan,

It can’t be denied that the Black Caps’ performance of late has been seriously lacking, and I propose two remedies for this situation:

1. Hire an Australian coach (the recent appointment of a NZer to coach our rugby team seems to be going very well - thanks for that)
2. Hire a female coach (hasn't been tried, haven't got much left to lose really, have you?)

Fortunately for both of us, I happen to be both these things, and so please accept my application for the position.

Firstly, there is a serious flaw in your medium-term objectives for the Black Caps – aiming to be number two is unacceptable. If you’re not going to aim to be the best, why bother? This attitude might be ok when you’re playing England, but to beat the teams worth beating, Australia, South Africa, Canada, you have to be number one.

My style of leadership will be reminiscent of Phil Jackson, coach of the successful LA Lakers basketball team, who utilises an holistic approach to coaching.

However, my approach will differ somewhat. I will use the principles of Taoism to propel the Black Caps to the top of the rankings. Taoist propriety and ethics emphasise the Three Jewels of the Tao: compassion, moderation, and humility. As an example of how this would function, I would ask the players to imagine the person they love most in the world being clubbed with a metal bar by Matthew Hayden. I would describe this situation to them vividly and with the aim of causing distress. I would then ask them to think about what compassion, moderation and humility means to them. And then send them out to face Australia.

My reference text will be The Tao of Pooh, and copies will be distributed to each player. It will become their bible.

I will be committed to maintaining close working relationships with all players, most significantly the captain, with whom I will engage in intense one-to-one brainstorming sessions on a regular basis.

Finally, I also possess the rare skill of being able to recognise players and opponents by their backsides, an ability that could potentially come in very handy.

My staff would be as follows:
My assistant coach will be Miriam, a very successful person. Although she is not Australian, she is female, and this would be suitable for an assistant coaching role. Considering the prowess of her country (England)’s cricket team, this move may be deemed contradictory, however Miriam is an extraordinarily resilient and patient person - two attributes that will be essential in fixing the Black Caps.

Physiotherapist – I happen to be a qualified physiotherapist, and so will take on this role myself.

Media adviser – Jrod, and to prove why, I will not explain. Because you already know.

Psychologist – I happen to be a qualified clinical sports psychologist and so will take on this role myself.

Below I have addressed the selection criteria. I look forward to hearing from you for an interview.

Sincerely,

Field (Miss)


QUALIFICATIONS ESSENTIAL:
• Level 3 Cricket Coaching Qualification or International equivalent - Attained from Joondalup TAFE, completed 2004.
• Drivers License – No, have a drivers licence though.
• Must be legally entitled to work in New Zealand - I’m Australian, even better than the real thing.

PREFERRED:
• Tertiary qualification in a related discipline – Communications degree (Edith Cowan University) majoring in scriptwriting and journalism. I can write the ending.

PERSONAL ATTRIBUTES:
Is passionate about cricket – Played Kanga cricket when I was seven.
Commitment to NZC values and culture - Not even, ow.
Is a good judge of talent – Propositioned Daniel Vettori from the perimeter, within days he was made captain.
Works on compensating for personal weaknesses and limits – Cadbury Milk Tray has a chocolate for every weakness.
Seeks feedback – in C Minor, to the tune of Love Game from the Mighty Boosh.
Pursues everything with energy and drive and a need to win – I have learnt these valuable lessons from England: Energy – Red Bull (thanks KP), Drive – Jaguar (thanks MV), a need to win – watching England inspires this.
Treats all players equitably, doesn’t give preferential treatment – All players will be treated. My door is always open.
Keeps confidences – to give an example would be breaking a confidence.
Is viewed as bright and intelligent – My mum said so.
Practices what they preach – Jandals.
Requires excellence, does not expect perfection – there is no such thing as giving 110 per cent and I won’t accept any bullshit of this manner.
Creates trust and commands respect – In place of a Dark Lord you will have a Queen. All shall love me and despair.
Motivational and inspiring - Wake up calls will consist of the Numa Numa song at 0530hrs each morning.
Thinks before talking to the media, knows that journalists are looking for a story that will sell - I AM the New Zealand media.
Listens and pays attention to players – one on one or the whole team.
Delivers thoughts in a clear, concise manner - “!”
Presents body language that represents enthusiasm, class and character - If the boys are sad I will square dance to cheer them up. They can join in.
Provides consistent messages to players – Losing is not an option.
Is honest with the team and always in a positive way – Australia crapped on you but in some cultures that’s good luck.
Can manoeuvre through complex political situations effectively and quietly - I have it on good authority that I will be the 31st prime minister of Australia. Politics is my middle name.
Positive and enthusiastic attitude - Ooh aah, Glenn McGrath!
Has a sense of humour – Don’t ask me, ask Jeff, he’s a Maori.
Has a high work ethic - not sure about high, definitely strong though.
Committed to succeed – I’m Australian, it’s in my blood.
Willing to be judged on results - an exciting prospect, my unequivocal greatness is for all to see.
Shows selflessness and understands that the ‘game’ is bigger than themS - Jesse Ryder, who is the game, certainly is bigger than me. I have no qualms here.
Willing and able to work in the best interest of NZ Cricket - Ricky who?
Ability to multi task and complete projects in diverse international environments - Am female.
Must be able to travel domestically and balance work/life priorities - Travel domestically in New Zealand? Good one.
A flexible attitude to working, willing to work evenings and weekends, understands cricket is a seasonal sport – Happy to whore myself for New Zealand Cricket.

A brief exchange

I've been having an interesting Wall-to-Wall exchange with Spigot over on Facebook.

It's gone like this -

Spigot: You realise that as he (James Anderson) did it yesterday it's clearly obvious that he will do this every single day next summer...

Me: You hope.

Spigot: Well "you hope" sounds a lot better than "you wish"... I'll take that for now, you're clearly deeply unsettled over the Windies series...

While I have no doubt that Mr Spigot was not being serious (right?), I have noticed that some people of the English variety do seem to think that England's performance against New Zealand (and, to a lesser extent, Australia's performance against the West Indies) is a reflection of how the Ashes will fare next year.

I, however, see it as a reflection of how shoddy New Zealand are at the moment. England versus South Africa may be a better indication.

Although I suppose we should thank the Kiwis for luring the English into a false sense of security (I will personally thank Daniel Vettori later).

But even so, let's not pre-empt anything.

Tipping yes for humiliation

My good friend Leg Break (who is yet to be allocated a daemon) has begun a tipping contest for the England/New Zealand series, over at Sportsfreak.

It's well worth a look, if for no other reason than to see me make a fool of myself.

These are the specific questions for each test match.

1. Result.

2. Session the test finishes on.

3. England top run scorer for the match

4. NZ top run scorer for the match

5. Who will bowl the most overs?

6. What will the winner of the toss do?

7. Second to Sidebottom, who will get the most wickets in the test?

8. Which non-keeper will take the most catches?

9. What will Brendon McCullum's strike rate be for the match?

10. Man of the match.

If anyone would like to offer suggestions I would be happy to hear them. I need all the help I can get. I've already submitted my tips for the first Test, but even so, I'm bound to be on about -8 after the match. As it is I'm on -1 before the tour's properly started.

Leaderboard

Teams/Players	Points
Mike from Mike on Cricket	1
King Cricket	1
Well Pitched	1
Sportsfreak	0
Cricket Action Art	0
Cricket With Balls	0
The Silly Point	0
Beer and Sport	0
Sport Review NZ	0
Republique Cricket	-1
Ben from Mike on Cricket	-1
Miss Field	-1

Typical!

Kia Ora bro

That there exists this picture of Ross Taylor on cricinfo as his profile photo is deserving of a post of its own.
During the 2007 Australia/England/New Zealand ODI tri-series I was watching an Australia/New Zealand match from a gorgeous holiday house in Dunsborough.

Ahh.

Anyway. At this time I got an SMS from my mother claiming that young Ross looks like Ioan Gruffudd, aka Horatio Hornblower. This prompted a 'hmmm, are you sure??' reply from me.

A few minutes later her response read "Aha. Have put my glasses on. He is a bro!"

Not even ow. Go New Zealand!!

News from the world of Australian cricket

Ok right, so. Clarke and Bingle are getting hitched. I give them two years tops. And that's enough of that.

Luke Ronchi was on the news tonight, looking rather stoked that he's going to play for Mumbai, alongside ol' Sachin. Yeah, I'd be pleased if I were him. I like this young chap, and I hope he does well, I want him to have a bright future.

England have won the series against New Zealand. This is good and bad.

It is good because it means Michael Vaughan lives to fight another day.

It is bad because it means England won, it means New Zealand lost, it means Michael Vaughan lives to fight another day, and it means the pendulum has swung a little closer to the middle in the battle for the bet. As you can see, the bad heavily outweighs the good.

I do feel that our cousins across the ditch have kind of betrayed us, but even though I know they did their best, as Sean Connery told Nicolas Cage in The Rock, losers always whine about their best.

Which doesn't, to my mind, mean that England are going home with the prom queens, but they're the NZ in ANZAC, so we're comrades, right? And who was it that sent us onto the beaches hmm? I wonder.

Can you hear a ticking? I think it's the timer counting down until that loser comment bites me on the bum. All I'm saying is that I hope New Zealand do themselves justice when they head to England later in the year.

Actually I'm surprised that Andrew Strauss did what he did. He reminds me a bit of a restaurant I visited in America called Cracker Barrel. There were rocking chairs and carved pumpkins. Sure it was entertaining and really quite novel, and personally I liked it. But would it last ten minutes in a country like Australia? I think not.

Now we've seen the end of the lovely Stephen Fleming, it's all a bit sad because well, he's cool, even if he does occasionally take an exceptionally bad photograph.

It's always sad to see a top player not leave on a high, but I guess that's just life. And it's usually either because they didn't realise they were past it or because they've been told to bugger off, but if it was either of those reasons I won't hold it against him. And I daresay he will be remembered in high esteem.

Although after the match apparently Danny Vettori was seen prancing around like a mad lunatic with an effigy of Mr Fleming, chanting "I am the light" and cackling like an old witch.

He looked to be dancing with the effigy but a closer look revealed he was actually attempting to set fire to it. Odd that someone who is the light couldn't conjure a bit of flame. What a strange lad.

And here's Virgil with Archibald and Lou. I'm resisting the temptation for a nasty caption for this pic, because there are dozens running through my mind, such as about how two dark-haired people spawned two very blonde, blue-eyed children.

Or about the giveaway that they're English because they look like they've never seen the sun before. I know New Zealand is cloudy, but they should be wearing hats.

Hmph.

"I come hither to die"

A dolphin has guided two stranded whales to safety after human attempts to keep the animals off a New Zealand beach failed, a conservation official said.

Unfortunately, the English cricket team do not have the same luck.

Floundering in the water, flapping about and heading for the sandy shores of certain death, no one helps them. And like the whales, they do not help themselves, far too proud to admit they're on the path of doom.

Why?

Is it because they are weak and spineless, and look for short term fixes rather than long term solutions to their plethora of woes?

Is it because of their attitude that simply being the England-whale is good enough, and at the end of the day, well it doesn't really matter if we beach ourselves big-time, because, well we're better than you, we're England, lucky for our natural superiority.

Their air of superiority towards 'the colonies' is inherent in every one of their players and persists like a really bad headache or Ponting form-slump.

Is it, symptomatic of the previous suggestion, because of their dismissive attitude towards cricket that is not first class, despite being poor in all forms and having actually developed the Twenty20 format.

Yes, it is because of all of this. And so much more.

The England-whale's indefatigable supporters (the non-barmy of which may deserve medals for being environmental warriors) stand on the shore and watch this disaster unfold, hearts breaking.

Their loyalty to their cause does not waver, despite their frustration at the England-whale's determination to commit ceremonious suicide, stupidity in not having learned from the last time this happened (which wasn't very long ago), and pride in refusing to see that death is not the only way.

The rest-of-the-world-dolphins are lurking in the deeper water, looking like they take the England-whale seriously but their efforts at stifling their collective laughter are poor and half-hearted.

They watch the folk on shore and mock their loyalty and feeble, unsuccessful attempts at aiding the self-destructive England-whale.

Why should they, the rest-of-the-world-dolphins help these clumsy fools? We all have choices, and theirs continue to be poor, so they must face the consequences. Besides, the England-whale thinks it's so much better, if it's so good, let's watch it prove itself.

It's ok. Someone has to be the laughing stock of the cricketing world, and the English are supreme at comedy, there's no disputing this. Second only maybe to a new series of Father Ted with the original cast, I could think of no greater entertainment than watching an England batting collapse. And the cumbersome, lumbering heap that is the England-whale never fails to oblige. And our love-hate relationship continues.

So, like stupid suicidal whales, they continue their slow trawl to the end. Their players, accustomed to the shame, will get paid the same no matter what the outcome. Their ever-loyal fan base will cringe in knowing anticipation of the unavoidable outcome. And nothing changes.

EDIT: I forgot the obligatory Michael Vaughan shot. There were some good ones up from the last few days, he even volunteered himself for Suave's Epic Failure register. Alas, even his attempts at distinctive failures are mediocre. But here he is humouring Steve Harmison, who may or may not have Ian Bell in that bag. Cue to worship...
"Did you just hear someone giggle?"

New Zealand are great

I got up this morning and put the TV on to see England were 8/67. Needless to say I laughed, paused to imagine Suave wearing a humiliating t-shirt of my design, and laughed some more.

We all know England are crap, the question is, how good are New Zealand? How much of this crushing defeat was because of England's ineptitude as opposed to New Zealand's ability? Collingwood's 2 off 50 might answer my question. What an effort! That's a strike rate of 4.0, which is a statistic KP would be jealous of.

I also think Danny "I am the light" Vettori should be congratulated for declaring and setting England a target of 300. It was unlikely that England could have made it, but certainly not impossible. He was making a game of it, and for that (among other reasons) I admire him.

It's a shame England took the opportunity, dipped it in petrol, set fire to it and watched it vanish in a matter of moments, except for the last bit, which, as the fire was dying, burnt on pointlessly before being snuffed out by a giant who danced with glee on the embers.

There are winners that lose, and there are losers. The winners that lose are the ones who do their best to win, they take risks and see them as opportunities. Occasionally they lose, but this doesn't make them losers. Their valiant attitude makes them winners.

Losers on the other hand play to draw rather than risk losing. On the rare occasions that they win, it's usually a fluke (often involving light). Michael Vaughan wouldn't have declared at any point while his team were still batting, because he is the captain of losers, who need to take a look at their attitude more than their ability.

After the match they interviewed him. My dad said he felt a bit sorry for him (an astonishing admission) and I laughed and said he only scored 9 in the second innings, to which it was pointed out to me that our captain has not done much better of late. Hmm.

Nice skins.

Like feeding time at the zoo...

Oh my goodness. The cricket highlights are on. Michael Vaughan is on the telly. Swoon! It's been a while between drinks.

New Zealand are off to a pretty average start, but I've been in touch with the boys and made it very clear that I expect better tomorrow. They seemed to understand. It is good to see Matthew Hoggard again (even better when his playing is mediocre, what a considerate chap he is!).

To follow up on my front-line reporting of Ronald, here he is looking rather morose. Poor love. I saw the replay, it looked very "ouch". Guess he wasn't faking to get to Mt Hutt.

I really wish the Barmy Army would just shut up. Am I alone in this sentiment? Hearing them carrying on ruins my cricket-viewing. It's great to be loyal, but maybe they could demonstrate their loyalty in other ways... a vow of silence springs to mind. I suppose it's good to know they don't just stalk us... just because they wish their relatives had stolen a loaf of bread...

Oh, and the clown showed us all he really is a humble bloke...

Now, back to watching Michael Vaughan, I mean, the cricket.

Photos: Getty Images

Pure NZ, 100%, oh yeah

Thank God for test cricket. The first test between Newzalund and Ingerland started today, and the Enzedders are batting, and are off to a pretty good start. Carn the Kiwis!

Er, Stephen Fleming is playing. I thought he quit a few weeks ago. Maybe he was announcing a tour of duty... maybe I'm just way off. But jeez, I thought the reason for this horrid photo was because he was upset he was leaving, and I felt sorry for him. Now it's just a horrid photo.

I'd really like to be at home watching this on TV and not following cricinfo updates. Especially considering there's an ad on cricinfo telling me to ski Mt Hutt but not offering me the means of doing so. It's a cruel world. Employers should learn that providing TVs and Foxtel for their staff would enhance productivity. Who wouldn't be inspired by Danny Vettori's slow left-arm orthodox in the workplace?

I was really hoping I'd get to the Wellington test match next week. Months of planning came to nothing, and there's only a few days left for any potential benefactors to come forward. So if you're looking for something to spend that spare $1500 cash that happens to be lying on your dresser on, vote 1 Miss Field. Actually it wasn't the money issue, it was the lack of company issue. But cash donations are still welcome!

Anyway, Ian Bell wants his mum. The little girl hurt his wrist this morning, and has gone off to radiology to have it scanned. They told him his mum would meet him there.
"I want my mum."

Maybe he saw the cricinfo ad as well, and is skiving off to Mt Hutt. Bastard. I bet he doesn't have to appeal to strangers to pay for his holidays. In fact, his mum probably still pays for his skiing trips.

In other news, Australian captain Ricky Ponting is believed to be considering a career as a John Lennon impersonator after he was overheard singing the chorus to the Beatles hit The Ballad of John and Yoko in the Aussie dressing room after last night's disappointing loss to India, which ended his disappointing summer. Very disa-Ponting.

A few things

I'm going to the one dayer on Friday. Yay! Just need to figure out how to skive off from work. Hmm. But I shall contain my anticipation and bask in the events of today.

New Zealand's defeat of England has been covered far more eloquently than I could ever be.

"fucking village..."

"England: useless like a dead monkey"

"spectacularly... pathetically... feeble"

et al

However I feel it was cricinfo who summed it up best with this headline...

Ryder and McCullum trounce England.

Yep, that's right. A two-man squad could defeat England, and even without the backyard cricket rules.

Sri Lanka beat India and this made me ever so happy, especially after they suggested we are scared of them. Fools! It was a good day in Canberra today.

Also it looks like the Australian tour of Pakistan won't go ahead. I'm pleased with this. Cricket is not an island, nor do I believe it should be (unless it was just up from Antigua, I'd go there in the winter).

The actions of cricketers and cricket boards reverberate, and I think touring countries that are governed by suspicious regimes is seen to endorse said suspicious regimes, whether they mean to or not is irrespective. Plus it's just so unstable with opposition forces as well in Pakistan. If it's not safe it is just not worth the risk.

I'd die if something terrible happened to my Andrew. Or any of them.

Anyway. I've decided to quit my job and play bass guitar in a Wolfmother cover band. Have fun, ya'll.

Give me a minute to stop laughing and I'll write the post

Result New Zealand won by 6 wickets (with 120 balls remaining).

Welcome back, England!

They got their arses kicked! Clearly the mere suggestion of visiting Australia was enough to make the lads wet themselves. So I do take partial credit for this victory.

And to think I'd nearly written the Black Caps off, following the advice and support of newfound New Zealand blogmates. I knew they wouldn't let me down for long. In Wellington and all! Aw!

While it's obvious the Black Caps were the better team, I also believe that it was more a case of "The England" returning to the poor form we all expect, moreso than the Kiwis improving drastically, and I mean that as no slight on the win.

Dishonourable mentions go to...
Captain Collingwood - I saw his run out on the news. Poor little guy was as red as the fabric on his shoulders. Fool!
KP - bowled Oram, for 6. Sounds like heaven. Is the footage on youtube yet? Pietersen vs Oram. Hell yeah!
Bell - bowled Martin, for 5. Heh. Heh. I wonder if he broke a nail as he made those five runs. I cannot begin to imagine how worrisome that prospect must be for him. Poor kid.
Jimmeh - economy of 7.

Honourable mentions to the Kiwi bowlers, none of them had an economy rate over 3.00. Beaut.

Soo... what's more embarrassing, losing by six wickets, or being all out for 130, or having that made up in only 30 overs? Life's full of tough choices. I guess the 130 is the starting point of the shame, and the rest followed sweetly behind.

The next one dayer is in Hamilton, hometown of Danny Luca (sounds like he could be a child of Anna Nicole Smith), on Tuesday. Hamilton is a small place. I remember it being semi-industrial. I also remember not seeing Captain Vettori conveniently walking down any streets. Very disa-ponting.

Anyway. I like the 2pm start time (10am here, I think). The apple+tab function on my computer at work is well-used when there's cricket on. One minute of work, one minute of cricket. Ah!

As a side, I'm looking forward to seeing Jesse Ryder prove himself over the next few weeks, even if he was caught by a sub in the game tonight (and I mean substitute fielder, keep it clean). It's going to happen, and there are words that will need eating, and for once they won't be mine.

New Zealand you do me proud. Cousins across the ditch, I salute you!

Brissie is un-Australian!

Trust Brisbane.

I'd suggest that the venue should be changed if the weather forecast is looking categorically shabby, and let's face it, this game being a washout was almost a given (it's been pouring over there for weeks) but then again if this was the case we'd never have a game played in England.

Still, it's gotta bite if you paid $70 for a ticket and didn't get a full game. I declare that rain contravenes the spirit of the game. Fear not, the temperature is blistering here in Perth, and it's not looking to ease, let alone rain, for ages as yet. I daresay a full game will be played next Friday! Huzzah!

And speaking of the spirit of the game, Rohit Sharma was fined for dissent. He was given out and disputed it. Excuse me, but isn't that a display of particularly poor sportsmanship, o India the Righteous. Mind you, apparently he clearly wasn't out, so that is very disappointing, and yet again resurrects the third umpire debate.

To New Zealand (not literally, damn it), where England are proving to be a marginally superior team to the Black Caps. Boo! Dimitri Mascarenhas (who?) scored four consecutive sixes off Jeetan Patel in the first Twenty20 in Auckland (type that into your phone... it'll say Bucklame. Yay Bucklame!).

Poor Patel. Obviously the English don't feel the same affectionate tug at the heartstrings we Aussies sometimes do when we're on the brink of delivering the Kiwis a hammering. Not that it's ever stopped us delivering said hammering, but he could at least have spaced his sixes out a little more kindly.

I am waiting for New Zealand to improve. "The England" cannot be allowed to win. It is forbidden.

Finally, cricinfo has squeezed out some editorial about how Lord's and the Oval have been recommended as possible venues for next year's Twenty20 World Championship. Was there ever any doubt it would be at one of these two venues? Must be a slow news day, especially after the tumultuous last few weeks.

EDIT: Dimitri Mascarenhas went to Trinity College which is attached to the WACA. No wonder he was capable of four sixes in a row, the Australian lifestyle has obviously affected him. Hark!

You've got to be kidding

Thanks to Will at the Corridor for posting a link to this.

Attention English cricket team. Do acting. Do singing. Do wine, even! Don't do fashion. You are a weak and spineless bunch by on-field reputation, swanning about declaring to the world your love of Hugo Boss and fake tan doesn't help. While moisturiser may enhance your pasty complexions, discussing it does nothing to enhance your wilted image.

Maybe it's a joke. Please say it is, then we can all have a good laugh, eat bagels and have tea, and pretend it was all a very bad dream. Posing for photos is one thing, but this is pathetic. The worst has got to be Anderson, who was coerced (presumably by his fiance) to have a spray tan before his wedding. What a wholesome and nourishing relationship theirs must be. If his tan has washed off now, does that mean she's left him? Or is she surely not so superficial?!

And Stuart Broad, the peroxided, be-mulleted hunk of man-meat, who for reasons inexplicable to me, made the so-called fashion editor who was interviewing him swoon. Please! Don't encourage this. This isn't the behaviour of real men! This is the behaviour I've come to expect from effiminate Beckham-esque soccer players who dive because it's the only way they can make on-field progress and at the same time mask their lack of talent. It doesn't fool anyone. Cricketers are better than this, even English ones.

I tried to imagine Australian players doing this. Ponting, Symonds, Lee and Gilchrist. Similarly some Kiwis. Imagine Oram, Vettori, Taylor and Patel in an interview like this? No. They would laugh! They might do it if they were contracted to, but they wouldn't act so proud or take themselves so seriously.

But no, these four clowns sit there talking themselves up like they're models! I get that they're paid well for it, but please. TOUGHEN UP, BOYS! Once you're at the top of the cricketing tree, then ponce about in this fashion (if you must). But don't give the rest of the world any more reasons to laugh at you, there are plenty already.

I hope New Zealand wipe the floor with this bunch of pansies. They may as well have sat down and composed a list of potential sledges and emailed it to NZ Cricket management. They virtually did!

An old Greg Champion song springs to mind...
Deep in our hearts everyone barracks for Fitzroy
Because Fitzroy are the most lovable team
And how do they keep their shorts so clean
Fitzroy are the most lovable team we've got

And just as Fitzroy are no longer a team in their own right, the England are not lovable. Just kinda pitiable. And damn funny.




As usual, Gilly sums it up best.

Oops

Ok so it's emerging that Shaun Tait is depressed, and has been for a while, and he's actually been courageous, not cowardly.

I'M SORRY SHAUN, I FEEL REALLY REALLY BAD.

But as I clarified in my last post, with the information that was available it was suspiciously reminiscent of Sally Robbins.

However that is not the case and I think it's commendable that he has put his health first (ala Geoff Gallop!). I wish him a 160 km/h recovery, and I hope we see him happy and healthy soon.

Before I crawl away into a creek to weep about what a horrible person I am, I learnt about an intriguing string of coincidences today.

I never realised it is ESPN who own the broadcasting rights for cricket on the subcontinent (and threatened to sue Cricket Australia for $60 million if the Indians pulled out of the tour). Interesting of course, because ESPN own cricinfo. I also learnt that one of my favourite wineries is owned by an American company. Both these things disappointed me.

Also, I just heard this on the news:

"...Justice Hansen, when handing down his full reasons for the decision in Adelaide on Wednesday, said he was not told that Harbhajan had three previous breaches of the ICC's code of conduct until after the sentence was imposed.

He said he was particularly concerned about a charge of attempting to intimidate an umpire, for which Harbhajan was given a suspended one-Test ban and also fined.

"Overnight I have given earnest consideration to the code of conduct to see if it empowers me to reopen the sentencing process," Justice Hansen said.

"Regrettably I have concluded that I cannot do so and the penalty imposed by me must stand. At the end of the day Mr Singh can feel himself fortunate.""

Bloody hell. See I'd been (reasonably) happy to accept the appeal decision as being one made by someone who knew more about the situation than I did. However now that I've heard this, I'm quite annoyed. This person who was supposed to know more about the situation than I did, didn't! It's not on.

Anyway, that injustice is something else for me to weep about in the creek (when I get there, I'm not done yet).

On a lighter note, I'm rapt that David Hussey is playing with the national side at the Twenty20 at the G on Friday. I've seen him play at state level and I'm thrilled he's been given a shot, even if it is "only" a Twenty20 match, and even if he does play for Victoria. Don't screw it up, Davo!

Finally, I was wondering why the balance in earth had shifted on Monday. Something wasn't quite right, it was like the planets had aligned strangely or something. It wasn't until Tuesday that I realised it was because the English cricket team flew into New Zealand. Michael Vaughan is closer.