"South African" Premier League

I'm choosing to ignore Australia's dismal performance for now.

Let's talk Indian Premier League.

Insert obligatory comment about the passage of time: it really doesn't seem like a whole year ago we first saw a cricket in such a... dazzling... light.

It was amusing but it didn't take long to lose interest. Sure, Ricky Ponting wore a black and gold costume (uniform doesn't say enough) and Shane Warne proved he's still ace, but it's only Twenty20, and the whole thing went for too long.

It really was a tournament of very little substance.

The best part of it, in my opinion, was seeing the likes of Ponting and Ganguly playing side by side; something county cricket followers would be familiar with, but we haven't got an Australian equivalent.

But a lot of things have changed in the last twelve months.

India has been subjected to a horrific terrorist attack.

The recent attack in Pakistan saw made us realise that our beloved sportsmen are not immune to the instability of the world.

The 2009 IPL will coincide with federal elections in India.

If I was a cricketer I wouldn't want to go. As it is several Australians have pulled out of the competition. Though citing other reasons, security must have been a factor and a big one.

The Indian government have said they cannot provide extra security because of the elections.

"Due to the attitude of the government that it cannot provide security for the tournament, we are forced to take a decision to move the IPL out of India," the country's cricket chief Shashank Manohar told reporters.

I commend the BCCI for this. It would have been easy to turn a blind eye and reap the reward and profit, despite the risk of attack.

South Africa is the likely host for the IPL, with England a second alternative.

I wonder what implications this will have for the league's profits.

An integral part of this tournament is interpellation - Indians identify with the IPL, it's their tournament. Their celebrities own the teams, those celebrities are often filmed in the crowd celebrating or lamenting the performance of their team. The spectacle and the glamour, from the player auction to the season launch to the costumes; it is India.

In turn, atmosphere at Indian cricket matches is something to behold, and I believe assist to sustain the interest in this event. They are an immensely lively bunch and it goes hand in hand with the extravaganza of the IPL. Again, it is their tournament. Will it be mimicked in South Africa? No.

There is a 3.5 hour time difference between the two countries. Granted this is not as big as if it was being held in England, but it will still affect prime time viewing in India (and make no mistake, this tournament is held to be broadcast in India).

Take away these patriotism factors - will the Indians lose interest if tournament seems to become South Africa's? My Indian blogger friends are far more qualified to comment on this than me, but it makes me wonder.

While all these factors are interesting to consider, none of it really matters. What matters is the safety of the cricketers and subsequently the safety of the people around them who may in turn be affected (security guards, by-standers etc).

There can be no doubt the BCCI are doing the right thing here. If that means the IPL dies, which is unlikely even if this season goes badly, so be it.

I also commend South Africa for being ready to mobilise with this.

It's cricket. We're there for each other.

Numero uno up for grabs

Australia deserved to lose the second Test, and now the number one spot is there for the taking.

There were lessons from Perth that went unlearned. Even prior to Perth there were unlearned lessons.

Now there are lessons from Melbourne that have been ignored.

I believe in sticking with your team, unequivocally. But there's a difference between giving it your all and not quite making it, and arrogantly sticking with the wrong strategy.

One deserves respect, the other contempt.

On the other hand, South Africa also deserved to win the second Test.

I think Graeme Smith can take a fair portion of credit for the Saffers' success, both as captain and batsman.

And now it seems he might be ruled out because of injury (though I think it's more likely they're just talking it up, Cortisone cures all, as does the thought of beating Australia it would seem).

I thought about this, and came to the conclusion that if he doesn't play, and they still win easily, the outlook for Australia is even crappier than it already seems.

I have also noticed that a lot of South Africans have visited this blog in the last week. Welcome.

Att: board of selectors

Tonight there was no breaking news that Matthew Hayden is retiring.

Which means he's leaving it in the hands of others.

Here is a step by step guide to show the selectors how it's done... (it's really not that difficult).Step 1. Apply knife.

Step 2. Press.

Easy, and better for everyone.

My Joernaal - day 24

Diary -

Had an unacceptable dream last night and woke with an image of Makhaya dressed as Santa Claus in my mind. Sick. Have decided that next summer tour there will be no dressing up as Santa Claus. Dreamt he - Santa Claus - was chasing me around the MCG. I was running away, but then I remembered I am Graeme Smith and I fear no man (he probably just wanted an autograph, maybe a photo), so I stopped and turned around, ready to discuss my cover drive. But he began taking all his clothes off. So I kept running. As fast as I could.

Anyway. If there's one thing that's as fantastic as me my batting me, it's being out on field to watch the Australians choke. At last I can use that word again without having to practice looking contemptuous. Smug takes up so much time. Can't wait to see Hayden's replacement crumble under the expectation to win Sydney for them. This series is ours.

Damn. I am so good.

Turning the screws

I am so impressed that Brett Lee batted today.

Ok. So he scored 8. But still, 8 more than I'd expected, seeing as I didn't think he would bat.

I tried to find a photo of him batting so I could add the caption "I'm in tremendous pain but I can't move my face", but there are none.

I guess he wasn't in for long enough.

So Australia is 7/185 at lunch on day four. A similar position to South Africa in the first innings, except I can't see us batting the day out. It did seem like we were scoring runs quite quickly, but in a 'shit let's get a move on' as opposed to 'yay let's play a Twenty20'. Which was nice. Makes it seem like we're still trying to win. Just a shame about the 7-for bit.

I'm still trying to work out whether the scales are tipped in the direction of Australia being crap or South Africa being outstanding.

It's like trying to pick between Star Wars and Lord of the Rings. It's always one til I see the other.

I don't think this will be a draw, South Africa will win this.

And probably Sydney too.

And the right to gloat for a while yet.

And England will get their hopes up.

And become a little complacent.

At least Ponting's still out there.

(Did you notice that I didn't mention a certain opening batsman? It's like he's gone already.)

My Joernaal - day 22

Not going so well today. Must fix this. Can't have that twat Ponting outsmug me. But how much can a captain achieve on his own? Vaughn Van Jaarsveld is coming to replace Ashwell, who is still whining about his thumb. Serves him right for pre-empting me being ruled out. I hear whispers that he will replace me, but we will see about that.

I bought myself an iPod for Christmas. I had it gift-wrapped and put it under the tree when no one was looking. They all asked me who it was from but it was a good exercise in smugness when I said I couldn't be sure which of my admirers sent it. But then someone stole it and uploaded a bunch of Britney Spears songs onto it. Hilarious. Not impressed, especially when Morne grabbed it off me before I realised what had happened. I will cheerfully murder anyone who utters the words 'hit me Graeme one more time' again.

Caught Brett Lee staring at AB today. Can't help but wonder what AB has going for him that I don't.

Inadequate solutions to monumental problems

Australia has never won a three-match series after losing the first match.

This means nothing to me - Australia has enough talented cricketers to win this series. But changes have to be made. The current side is dogged by out of form players who are being carried along by that hope that they will re-live former glory. They won't.

And this 'carrying' policy, new to us, will fail. It may cost us our number one ranking. It may cost us the Ashes.

Yes I'm still reeling.

What I want to know is why...

Why Matthew Hayden is still playing and will be allowed to continue until he's ready to go.

Why, as Moses has pointed out, it has escaped our captain's notice that the 56 runs scored between him, Hussey and Hayden, in the entire match, was unacceptable.

Why Brett Lee would be selected if his personal problems clouded his ability to play to form.

Why blaming the pitch is acceptable.

Why Michael Hussey didn't play better at his home ground.

Why it just looked far too easy for South Africa.

This isn't a difficult problem to solve, but it requires some leadership, and I'm thinking that's our biggest problem at the moment.

So what have the powers that be done to address this worsening crisis (that's right, I called it a worsening crisis)? They've dropped Jason Krezja. And what do you know, replaced him with Nathan Hauritz, who meets the primary selection criteria of being from New South Wales.

So now I'm also wondering why the leadership hasn't been fired for being spineless and out of touch. Someone take a stand!

By the way, good work SA. You outplayed us and deserved the win.

There you go, Ricky. I could say it.

Life on Mars?

I had this idea to write a post about how England, upon having reached an impressive score, would launch their strategy, trialled in a previous match, of tripping batsmen over and running them out.

This tactic would see them win for sure. And Vaughan would be responsible, so we wouldn't have to endure Paul Collingwood sooking it up at a press conference ("Mummy!").

However it would seem that contrary to, well, my belief, they might just have the skill to bowl Graeme and his boys out.

Upon reflection of this last sentence, I think it's all a bit generous, especially my use of the word 'skill', which is often bandied around. Let's be honest; South Africa are just useless.

Somewhere along the wall the wheels fell off, rolled into a pool of ethanol and caught fire. The consequences were not only disastrous for Ian Bell, who was standing nearby at the time, but also for Graeme Smith who needs to bloody retrieve and repair them.

But watching this match has been like opening a brand new bag of previously unknown cricket emotions.

The joy of watching South Africa humiliate themselves.

The horror of watching England doing well.

The surprise that England aren't playing as defensively as usual.

The amusement in seeing Ian Bell dismissed on 199.

The hope that England are being lured by flukes into a false sense of security, as opposed to actually, er, bothering.

Further to this, the wonder of whether they're serious about winning for once or would take the light without hesitation as usual.

It's a world gone topsy-turvy.

The life and times of Graeme Smith

For anyone who cares, Shane Warne drove his Mercedes (see previous post) into a tram in Melbourne. Here is the "Channel 9 Exclusive" which was taken from a peeping tom's window. It's worth a look just to hear the guy say "It's Shane Warne!"

Also. Here is one funny photo of Neil McKenzie.
Well it made me laugh, anyway.

Let us see, India conveniently rounded off the day's play with a wicket, which ended South Africa's innings on 265. Graeme's boys started well enough, and were at one point 152/1, but collapsed and lost 9 wickets for 113, which is very crappy.

Does anyone else find it mildly amusing that Graeme Smith was out on 69, considering the poor lad can't get a girlfriend?

For a comprehensive update go here (although there's a pretty good chance you meandered over from there).

If India win the series will be drawn. So... carn South Africa!

Finally, and on an unrelated note, I'd just like to point out that this week the French did something that the English couldn't, although I praise their efforts.

India suck

I was delighted to hear that India crashed and burned against South Africa today.

Would I go so far as to say that it made my day? Yes, yes I would. And to think I was horrified when we were all out for less than one hundred against South Africa... in a one dayer.

Here is a lovely photograph.
The illustrious world of cricket blogging has reacted beautifully.

One called it humiliating carnage.

Someone else suggested yelping like demented puppies was involved.

Ouch!! was another reaction.

One is even hailing it as full blown rape and pillaging and the ultimate epic fail (although he's a Pom, so he would, wouldn't he?)

So it would seem the concensus is that today's cricket in India was a violent and unpleasant affair.

I am not so sure. I think it's a crack up. Thanks, South Africa!

Still, my violent interpretation of day one is thus...

It's like South Africa are at this point (Grond and all)...
While India are still here...
A bit of catching up to do!

Elsewhere, Jrod has given up on Bryce McGain. Poor Bryce is becoming more and more undesirable. Or less and less desirable, depending on how you look at it. Either way, Jrod has burnt him off like a plantarwart.

This re-enactment of Bryce's reaction to the severing of apparently very loyal ties is interpreted here by an Uruk Hai playing the role of Jrod and a small child playing the role of Bryce.
It's a cruel world.

Who wants to go a knight rider?

My IPL team, the Kolkata Rebel Alliance, has been officially named, and I was quite disappointed that none of my most excellent and, dare I say it, super suggestions were taken on board. The Kolkata Knight Riders. This name, even though it doesn't sound as lame as the Super Kings, is actually quite embarrassing.

Someone was undoubtedly paid millions to come up with this name and all they did was choose something that'll be interpreted in a smutty context. Another example of why I should be in charge of these matters. I would have been quick to jump on this knight rider and ensure sense was seen! Hark!

Knights would be a cool name, not too common, not too weird, just right really. Night riders would even be a pretty decent, different sort of name. It sounds like something from the gaming world, something maybe a little bit elusive and enviable.

But no, the Kolkatese have gone for a different context entirely. Knight riders.
"Ricky Ponting is a knight rider."
"Oh really, which one?"
"Sir Guy of Gisborne I heard."

Actually I just need a moment to pause and reflect on that thought... mmm.

Anyway. I wonder if they have do a preference. Sir Richard Branson? Sir Elton John? Sir Paul McCartney (better watch out for gold-digging tarts in that case)? Sir Peter Jackson? Sir Charles Gairdner? Sir Ian McKellan? Sir Hiss? What would their logo look like? And they couldn't have a mascot, it would be far too offensive.

Those crazy Indians. They will still be the Rebel Alliance to me.

India and South Africa will be competing soon. A while ago I made a list of who the worst teams to lose to, and while I stand by my comment that it's worse to lose to South Africa than India (only just, though), I hope South Africa kick India's arse all the way to Peru. Why Peru? Why not.

Also, there's a quote on cricinfo that Shane Warne apparently said in reference to his immortalisation in plastic, and the dialogue he recorded for it... "I wanted it to say 'Chuck us a VB, Murali'." I haven't got VB Warney but I've got Boony and Beefy (why did I just type Beeny? Or was it Boofy?) and occasionally they do say rather funny things. That comment of Warney's that would have been funny.

Finally, visit here and then go here and join. Soon there will be a Facebook group dedicated to counting down the days until we see young Suave in the t-shirt he was born to wear.

The Windies lose to South Africa

Is anyone surprised?

I'm not. I watched a bit of it. The bit where the West Indies had three run outs (and seemed to think it quite funny, but that's a different story). Now that's just complacency. You can take risks, but surely if you see that taking risks isn't paying off for your higher-order teammates, you wouldn't do it. Is this strange logic? Maybe it was the West Indies' secret weapon tactic. Run at all costs. If this is the case, I hope they drop it immediately. For their own sake.

Because no one wants to see them defeated by South Africa. South Africa are way up there on the list of teams to not get beaten by.