Ponting - not the worst

If you, like me, think that although Ricky Ponting needs to lift his game pronto or leave, he is not the worst captain in cricket - then please swing by the grand Republique Cricket and vote here.

If you do think he's the worst captain... maybe don't visit. Stay here and tarry a while, as they said in that Robin Hood game of old.

Australia wins again!

You may recall that superblogger Suave declared that his England would finish second in the ICC test rankings by the end of this year.

Well he lost.

Yes, no surprises. Not even Kevin Pietersen could redeem that lot.

More importantly, it struck me that damnit he year has passed rather quickly. It was January, then June, then September, and now Christmas and cricket time. Hurrah. I think there might have been other months in there somewhere. Maybe.

So because he lost, Suave has to humiliate himself in some fashion. This will more than likely involve him wearing a t-shirt of my design to a test match.

I've heard it said that it's a bad reflection upon society today that I'm making him humiliate himself. I say it's fun! Might even be worth a trip to the old grey country for a look myself.

We would like to reopen the suggestion box, and if you can think of a cracker slogan for a shirt for the dear boy, well, good on you. We'll use it and you'll receive... nothing.

So far "Graeme Smith's bitch" is sounding good. Or maybe "I love Matthew Hayden". Got a better idea?

Vive la Republique!

When cricket bloggers go crazy...

As I'm sure you've all read, Jrod has started a new blog, for all things movies, music and books.

My suspicion that he is actually a Time Lord with amazing time and space manipulation skills still stands. All he needs is a Time Lord name. I will call him... The Blogger.

Anyway.

Some would say that being such a hillbilly, I'm not qualified to write for such a beacon of pop culture, but judge for yourself.

You'll not only find Jrod at his best, Sportsfreak's evil twin Leg Break made an appearance, and it also looks like someone is regretting a certain bet, and looking to get out of it. I don't think so somehow!

It's like The Brady Bunch meets The War of the Worlds.

Cricket tipping: Round whatever-it-is

Sportsfreak's cricket bloggers' tipping competition is going well.

I am in second place.

English people are winning.

The leaderboard looks like this:

King Cricket 30
Republique Cricket 30
Miss Field 29
The Silly Point 26
Well Pitched 26
Sportsfreak 25
Beer and Sport 25
Ben from Mike on Cricket 25
Sport Review 24
Mike from Mike on Cricket 22
Cricket With Balls 20
Cricket Action Art 20

Here are the questions for the next round.
1. ODI at Portishead Park: Winner
2. Portishead Park: Highest run-scorer
3. PP: Most wickets
4. ODI at Fosters Oval: Winner
5. FO: Highest run-scorer
6. FO: Most wickets
7. ODI at Lords (no funny titles appropriate there): Winner
8. Lords: Highest run-scorer
9. Lords: Most wickets
10. Shortest innings in terms of balls faced excluding not out batsmen.

Now, Leg Break who usually posts the tips on the Sportsfreak site, is going away. But don't be sad, he'll be back soon.

Unfortunately, however, some naughty people have not yet submitted their tips, so he can't publish the whole list. However, so that everyone knows he isn't cheating (as if anyone would have thought he's cheating - he's a Kiwi not a Pom) here are his tips:

New Zealand - Surely then anger levels are high enough to break the duck?
How - Surely, one of those starts gets converted.
Southee - With a stronger bowling line-up, they are going to target him.
England - Win one, lose the next etc.
KP - Flat track bully on flat track.
Luke Wright - Do not adjust your set.
New Zealand - Too little too late
Prince Brendan
Vettori - Too little too late
An east one - Daniel Flynn.

Anyone who hasn't submitted their tips as yet should should be advised that the deadline was a few hours ago, so expect to lose a point.

Let's see, who hasn't submitted theirs as yet... Chinaman and Jrod. I'm sure they're either saving lives or rallying on the steps of Cricket Australia to get some old guy selected; both very important reasons to be held up.

Oh, and else's name do I see that hasn't submmited as yet? Ahh, Suave.

I think he's watching the Hoobs. Shame. It could have been great. Because at the moment he's equal first. But not for long.

I must say, I'll be quite disappointed when this is all over, it's been great fun. Who votes Leg Break should maintain ongoing cricket tipping?

The life and times of Graeme Smith

For anyone who cares, Shane Warne drove his Mercedes (see previous post) into a tram in Melbourne. Here is the "Channel 9 Exclusive" which was taken from a peeping tom's window. It's worth a look just to hear the guy say "It's Shane Warne!"

Also. Here is one funny photo of Neil McKenzie.
Well it made me laugh, anyway.

Let us see, India conveniently rounded off the day's play with a wicket, which ended South Africa's innings on 265. Graeme's boys started well enough, and were at one point 152/1, but collapsed and lost 9 wickets for 113, which is very crappy.

Does anyone else find it mildly amusing that Graeme Smith was out on 69, considering the poor lad can't get a girlfriend?

For a comprehensive update go here (although there's a pretty good chance you meandered over from there).

If India win the series will be drawn. So... carn South Africa!

Finally, and on an unrelated note, I'd just like to point out that this week the French did something that the English couldn't, although I praise their efforts.

Blog demons

I don't know why this has taken as long as it has, but it's exhausting making stuff up for real people. Because Graeme Smith and co are not actually real, didn't you know? I'm going to bed before I start raving like some mad lunatic.


Suave and Brenyth have their photo with Santa at Christmas every year. They love West End musicals, especially Dirty Dancing, and imitating politicians, especially Mags Thatcher. Occasionally Brenyth will tell Suave that he swears too much on his blog, to which he replies "fuck off, Bren" in a very suave manner. Brenyth adores the Gris.


The next daemon is from Victoria, of a very rare breed, and of course is nocturnal. At first may seem a bit scary but only to pretty poor judges of character. I'm talking of course about Cantabrigian, a leadbeater's possum, the fauna emblem of Victoria and Jrod's daemon. The pair are creative geniuses on the road to global domination.


David Barry and Cyri, a green tree frog. When overseas, David often gets stopped in the streets by people commenting on how beautiful Cyri is. She is possibly the most calm creature on the planet and would need to be, with David often away in a parallel universe that involves calculus and other such horrid things, she's one patient frog. Lately she has taken up sodoku.


Here is Ashrai, the daemon of ©hinaman. Ashrai is peaceful and quite the healer. She is a wanderer. The pair don't say much to each other because they don't need to, they can read each other's thoughts. Quite often they wish they had more jalebies.


Then there's Miriam, who's so cool she doesn't even need a blog to be a blogger. Political parties will be recruiting her for her infiltration techniques, just you wait. Miriam and Sabian are leaders of their world, poised, dignified and talented.


And last but by no means least, Bronte, the coolest badger in Britain. If you've ever wondered who's really behind the viddy-blogs, now you know. Bronte and The Atheist are as loyal to England cricket as Hester and Lee were to Lyra. Bronte knows The Atheist has the best blog in the world, but all she really wants is a herb garden to amuse herself in while he works on the madness.

Who wants to go a knight rider?

My IPL team, the Kolkata Rebel Alliance, has been officially named, and I was quite disappointed that none of my most excellent and, dare I say it, super suggestions were taken on board. The Kolkata Knight Riders. This name, even though it doesn't sound as lame as the Super Kings, is actually quite embarrassing.

Someone was undoubtedly paid millions to come up with this name and all they did was choose something that'll be interpreted in a smutty context. Another example of why I should be in charge of these matters. I would have been quick to jump on this knight rider and ensure sense was seen! Hark!

Knights would be a cool name, not too common, not too weird, just right really. Night riders would even be a pretty decent, different sort of name. It sounds like something from the gaming world, something maybe a little bit elusive and enviable.

But no, the Kolkatese have gone for a different context entirely. Knight riders.
"Ricky Ponting is a knight rider."
"Oh really, which one?"
"Sir Guy of Gisborne I heard."

Actually I just need a moment to pause and reflect on that thought... mmm.

Anyway. I wonder if they have do a preference. Sir Richard Branson? Sir Elton John? Sir Paul McCartney (better watch out for gold-digging tarts in that case)? Sir Peter Jackson? Sir Charles Gairdner? Sir Ian McKellan? Sir Hiss? What would their logo look like? And they couldn't have a mascot, it would be far too offensive.

Those crazy Indians. They will still be the Rebel Alliance to me.

India and South Africa will be competing soon. A while ago I made a list of who the worst teams to lose to, and while I stand by my comment that it's worse to lose to South Africa than India (only just, though), I hope South Africa kick India's arse all the way to Peru. Why Peru? Why not.

Also, there's a quote on cricinfo that Shane Warne apparently said in reference to his immortalisation in plastic, and the dialogue he recorded for it... "I wanted it to say 'Chuck us a VB, Murali'." I haven't got VB Warney but I've got Boony and Beefy (why did I just type Beeny? Or was it Boofy?) and occasionally they do say rather funny things. That comment of Warney's that would have been funny.

Finally, visit here and then go here and join. Soon there will be a Facebook group dedicated to counting down the days until we see young Suave in the t-shirt he was born to wear.

"I come hither to die"

A dolphin has guided two stranded whales to safety after human attempts to keep the animals off a New Zealand beach failed, a conservation official said.

Unfortunately, the English cricket team do not have the same luck.

Floundering in the water, flapping about and heading for the sandy shores of certain death, no one helps them. And like the whales, they do not help themselves, far too proud to admit they're on the path of doom.

Why?

Is it because they are weak and spineless, and look for short term fixes rather than long term solutions to their plethora of woes?

Is it because of their attitude that simply being the England-whale is good enough, and at the end of the day, well it doesn't really matter if we beach ourselves big-time, because, well we're better than you, we're England, lucky for our natural superiority.

Their air of superiority towards 'the colonies' is inherent in every one of their players and persists like a really bad headache or Ponting form-slump.

Is it, symptomatic of the previous suggestion, because of their dismissive attitude towards cricket that is not first class, despite being poor in all forms and having actually developed the Twenty20 format.

Yes, it is because of all of this. And so much more.

The England-whale's indefatigable supporters (the non-barmy of which may deserve medals for being environmental warriors) stand on the shore and watch this disaster unfold, hearts breaking.

Their loyalty to their cause does not waver, despite their frustration at the England-whale's determination to commit ceremonious suicide, stupidity in not having learned from the last time this happened (which wasn't very long ago), and pride in refusing to see that death is not the only way.

The rest-of-the-world-dolphins are lurking in the deeper water, looking like they take the England-whale seriously but their efforts at stifling their collective laughter are poor and half-hearted.

They watch the folk on shore and mock their loyalty and feeble, unsuccessful attempts at aiding the self-destructive England-whale.

Why should they, the rest-of-the-world-dolphins help these clumsy fools? We all have choices, and theirs continue to be poor, so they must face the consequences. Besides, the England-whale thinks it's so much better, if it's so good, let's watch it prove itself.

It's ok. Someone has to be the laughing stock of the cricketing world, and the English are supreme at comedy, there's no disputing this. Second only maybe to a new series of Father Ted with the original cast, I could think of no greater entertainment than watching an England batting collapse. And the cumbersome, lumbering heap that is the England-whale never fails to oblige. And our love-hate relationship continues.

So, like stupid suicidal whales, they continue their slow trawl to the end. Their players, accustomed to the shame, will get paid the same no matter what the outcome. Their ever-loyal fan base will cringe in knowing anticipation of the unavoidable outcome. And nothing changes.

EDIT: I forgot the obligatory Michael Vaughan shot. There were some good ones up from the last few days, he even volunteered himself for Suave's Epic Failure register. Alas, even his attempts at distinctive failures are mediocre. But here he is humouring Steve Harmison, who may or may not have Ian Bell in that bag. Cue to worship...
"Did you just hear someone giggle?"

New Zealand are great

I got up this morning and put the TV on to see England were 8/67. Needless to say I laughed, paused to imagine Suave wearing a humiliating t-shirt of my design, and laughed some more.

We all know England are crap, the question is, how good are New Zealand? How much of this crushing defeat was because of England's ineptitude as opposed to New Zealand's ability? Collingwood's 2 off 50 might answer my question. What an effort! That's a strike rate of 4.0, which is a statistic KP would be jealous of.

I also think Danny "I am the light" Vettori should be congratulated for declaring and setting England a target of 300. It was unlikely that England could have made it, but certainly not impossible. He was making a game of it, and for that (among other reasons) I admire him.

It's a shame England took the opportunity, dipped it in petrol, set fire to it and watched it vanish in a matter of moments, except for the last bit, which, as the fire was dying, burnt on pointlessly before being snuffed out by a giant who danced with glee on the embers.

There are winners that lose, and there are losers. The winners that lose are the ones who do their best to win, they take risks and see them as opportunities. Occasionally they lose, but this doesn't make them losers. Their valiant attitude makes them winners.

Losers on the other hand play to draw rather than risk losing. On the rare occasions that they win, it's usually a fluke (often involving light). Michael Vaughan wouldn't have declared at any point while his team were still batting, because he is the captain of losers, who need to take a look at their attitude more than their ability.

After the match they interviewed him. My dad said he felt a bit sorry for him (an astonishing admission) and I laughed and said he only scored 9 in the second innings, to which it was pointed out to me that our captain has not done much better of late. Hmm.

Nice skins.

The bet of the year

Just to bring the bet back to the forefront, ideas are still being sought.

Some good ones have come through, but the more the merrier. At this point we think the loser will have to go to a match with a t-shirt proclaiming their love for their least favourite player. And as everyone knows, my least favourite player is Michael Vaughan.

But we'd still like suggestions... if England finish #2 (or #1) in the ICC test rankings by the end of the year, what would you like to see me do?

What am I prepared to lose for my conviction that England belong at the bottom? You tell me.

I've made a bet with young Suave over at Republique Cricket.

He seems to think that England (yes, England) will return to no 2 in the ICC Test World Rankings by the end of 2008.

Yes I can hear your laughter. Let's pause and enjoy this nostalgic moment together... cue John Lennon songs. No wait, what's that you're saying? I shouldn't be so mean and should give him a let out?

Sure, I'm not such a cruel young lass, I'd be happy to, but he's pretty confident that it's going to happen. Indeed, one would hope he wouldn't agree to a bet he wasn't confident of winning. And who am I to refuse? Who knows, he might have inside knowledge and it could happen. Yes, yes, laugh it up fuzzball.

Anyway, we've both decided to ask you, the cricket blogging/reading public, to suggest a suitable forfeit for the loser of this bet.

Win or lose, it's gonna be a cracker!